Today seems to be the day where everything is on my mind, i have so much on my mind these days it seems that I'm doing everything to avoid them, so i need to sort them out before i lose any headway that I've made!!
On my mind, is my upcoming doctors appointment with my tests results and options on what to do with my abnormal cells on my cervix, this is a meeting where i may have to choose between my health, or having a normal pregnancy, if i can and do have kids. Nothing is guaranteed but still, my heart wrestles over that fact cause all i want to do is have babies, that is the final thing in my life to make it complete, I can have everything else in the world and i can even adopt a baby or whatever but not being able to do it in my own body its a heart wrenching decision, of course i do what's best for my health in no way do i want to have cancer, and this is a problem that can cause cancer, so i do what i need to be healthy both for me and my hubby and for any future kids that we may have.
I get a lot of, when its your time it will happen, or you guys aren't ready to have kids because of our situation, or it will happen! The thing that they don't understand is that we tried for 2 years and nothing, i had to go back on birth control because my endometriosis became so bad and so painful that i had to do something to help with the pain! My best friend, is due next month, and we were suppose to be pregnant together and have our kids grow up, she's so excited and I'm so jealous! I know its terrible but to see her pregnant all i think is i want to trade places with her just once just to experience it!
The only other experience i had with pregnancy was when i was living with my sister helping her take care of the house and the kids while she was at the end of her pregnancy she was gracious enough to answer all my stupid questions about being pregnant and how it feels to have a life inside her! Those for my personal memories are some of the best i have. She trusted me with those precious kids of hers, and now i don't even have that to hold onto because i believe that i am destined to be here in the US right now, and a part of me dies every time i have to say good bye to those kids!!!
I don't want to feel sorry for myself but i have to admit today that i feel sorry for myself, my heart feels like its ripped in half, i have fought most of my life, and i will fight for having kids, but i am hurting knowing that its another thing, I wanted this part of my life to be easy and beautiful!! But right now its not even close to being in the near future, and when its time its gonna be a fight.
Today i miss my sisters, what i wouldn't give to have them hear to go to the spa and go to dinner and a movie with lots of farts so that we would laugh until we cried. It gets so eerie here sometimes knowing that i am so far away from family, I know this is where my heart is suppose to be, but the choices i have made in my life are not easy ones.
I miss my dad, thinking of how we would rent Butterfly effect for the millionth time and still have a debate on what's really going on in the movie, i swear its a different debate every time. Or just having conversations in his pride and joy of his pick up truck talking about everything, from death, to politics, to silly things dad has done in his younger days. I miss watching him with his family together and seeing pride in his eyes, I miss Dad and everything we have in our relationship!!
I miss my mom, watching her get "tipsy" with communion wine, she would make a terrible catholic! I miss her cheating at every game we ever played, and i miss the way she asks to go for a "little" walk and it turns out to be two hours with a rest in the middle somewhere! I miss when i get sick for her to come over and feed me crap that makes me feel better! And the way she would support me with all my doctors appointments and painful treatments i was going through, wishing she was here now!!
I know that my choice to have my life in California, is my own, and i know it is the right one for me, and that i will never regret, but to realize the pain that i realize every day with my family so far away hurts like you would not believe!!!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Life Continued
My idea of impressing people has always been with me i don't know where it came from but i always remember that i felt i needed to make an impression with anyone i spent a great deal of time with such as teachers and sunday school teachers, ect ect ect. I still have that, and i don't know what that's all about but i'm totally off track right now. So as i try to push this bus back to where i was before....
My grandmother died on Christmas day, its an awful feeling to have to know that will always be a day of mourning knowing that some one in your family died on that day!! I know i will be thankful everyday that i have my mom in my life, i find myself so much like her i have her hands, i have her emotions and i have her fears! I always thought i was adopted when i was younger cause i thought i was so different but now that i'm older i can see that i have both my parents with in me and they have given me gifts both from themselves while growing up that i use on a daily basis to live my life, its amazing how you can take things you know and lived with and take things from people around you and adapt them into coping skills or what ever it is, to live your life.
But again putting the bus back on the freeway..... I was up in Canada for a while being with my family, glad i could be there with my family to help my family to grieve, especially my mom! I actually had huge range of emotions while i was there, i learnt that the funeral for my grandmother would be held back because family members had decided to go on vacation instead of burying my grandmother, i was livid, i wanted to scream, and tell them what selfish people they were. I wanted to tell them how dare they put my mom and myself through that, I was pissed because all this happens and my life stops i cancel my christmas plans because i come up for the funeral, i had very selfish thoughts, although i masked them by trying to be upset for my mom's feelings, which were part of why i was pissed but i was so pissed that someone was taking away and making choices for my life without even consulting me or talking about it, it was just decided. I tried to put that on the back burner, but my anger didn't help me, i know that but shit i was pissed!!!
But soon enough the viewing was upon us! We gathered at my Aunts place to have dinner, and i was completely stressed out, i needed someone to lean on and i felt like i didn't have anyone, i missed my hubby so much and i started to isolate myself!! I wanted to be the helper not the issue, but i lost my cool when we were having supper i started to cry, and couldn't stop, my sisters pulled me into a room and tried to console me, and i couldn't figure out how to tell them that my life was falling apart and i didn't need someone dying to screw it up more! So i made up some story about mom being stressed and it unfair for waiting so long ect ect, but really my life was becoming a hell i thought i would never live in, and i didn't know what to do!! My mom comes in after my sisters and i tell my mom that i don't feel like i fit in, the truth is i have always felt like i've never fit in, and there is some truth to that but i kept trying to make reasons up that would make everyone worry less about me. God i tried hard.
Finally i pulled myself together partly disassociating i think just to get through all this, and i was fine until i had contact with someone like a hug, then i would completely lose it, but i was losing it because i actually felt human contact i wanted to be held and allowed to cry and it made sense for me to let some of that go when people thought i was mourning my grandmother, i really didn't have a lot of mourning for my grandmother, i didn't feel a lot i always felt either rejected or demanded of from my grandmother! A lot of what was going on was so incredibly personal and so far from a funeral not a soul knew. I wish that i could just let down my guard but i still have to work on that! :)
So we go into the chaple of the funeral home and we have about an hour and a half to view grandma just family! Everyone goes up, i go up with the family, then let everyone else go up then when everyone had gone up i stood in front of my grandmother and asked her why i was never good enough, what in hell could i have done to make her treat me like she did!! Funny she didn't answer, not like i was expecting an answer, i knhow that i talked to my big sister about that later on in the week and she told me that i just had to remind myself that even though my grandmother never made me feel important that i should know that within myself that i am that important! Some needed advice!!
The next day was the funeral, i was a pallbearer, i hate that job! I hate carrying dead people in a pretty box, not my thing, i grimice everytime i have done it, except when i carried my baby girl Allyn to her final resting place! She was only 14 and i wanted to do all i could for her to have a peaceful resting place and i'm glad i was apart of that, but as for my 2 grandfathers that have passed away and now my grandmother, I cringe at the thought of carrying caskets, Never liked the idea. But here i was again carrying my grandmothers casket, walking down the isle of a church being watched by people i know and people i have no idea who they are!
Then came the time for the service to start and i sat there just waiting for things to be over i hate funerals i truly do, not so much because i hate death but because there is just to much "song and dance" to it, and i find it frustrating that this is how we have to celebrate someones life by putting their body for show putting on makeup for them to look asleep, i guess its a comfort for people to know that their loved ones are peaceful! But i wonder if they ever wondered that that look isn't natural, that they do things to the body to "make" it look "peaceful". am just turned off by the whole thing!! But that is only my opinion and that's why i have a blog for my opinions, and if anyone who reads this has opinions of their own, i would like to hear them because i know mine isn't the only one out there! :D But through that service i was listening to people talk and i was wondering who was this person they were talking about, who was this grandmother everyone was talking about, and i felt so confused!!! Not that i expected things to be negative but this whole different person i never saw any of that, growing up the only vidid memory i had as a child of my grandmother is her slapping my sister in the face cause my sister showed me a picture snake, i can't remember how old we were but that was the only memory i've had that wasn't something negative.
That is something that threw me into a loop and i think of it to this day i think the shock of it has gone away now, but it was so strange my emotions were over loaded, now that i write it out i find that its not so much of an effect on me!!! But it was the experience i had, and there it is!
But that just one of those intresting different things that happened, the rest of the time that i was at home with my family i took advantage of of spending time with them, and my neice and nephews, oh i loved the time with my sisters and my mom and dad. But i was emotionally exhausted and ready to go home too. So the day finally came where i was on the road with my mom going to meet my sister for breakfast and then off to the airport where i was going to be home that night, i was so looking forward to seeing my hubby my babies (birds) and sleep in my bed. So i go through customs and wait at the terminal and they started boarding our flight, then all of a sudden all the people on the plane had come off the plane again, and by the time we were suppose to be leaving the flight was cancelled, i woke up early and didn't eat a whole lot, and i was struggling, i was not feeling really good, so i slept on and off for a couple of hours in the terminal, and when they were trying to get everyone rebooked, they called me up and said there was no way they could get me home that night, and my heart sank. But I had a choice to get into the states spend the night then go on home, so i made it to Minneapolis, and got a room, and i had a great sleep and had lots of time for me to get back to the airport, my flight in Minneapolis to San Francisco was on time and a smooth flight, then i got to the airport and realized that i had to switch over 2 terminals and it was a good 2 mile walk for sure! I thought i was going to be late for the plane, but after all the crap i got in and luckily my flight was delayed so i was able to rest a little bit and eat supper, well the flight was delayed and delayed and finally we were ready to go, and we got half way home and had to turn around, my emotional state was gone, i was not coping well, i was done with flights, so i told the lady at the counter i wanted a room but i was done, i called my hubby and said he had to come get me because i couldn't do it anymore i needed to get home. Then i had a panic attack, i lost it, i started crying and hyperventaling, i found a little corner, and dropped to my knees cried like a baby a airport cop stopped by asking if i need help and i couldn't really answer and i was on the phone with my husband so i handed the phone to him, and the cop refused it cause it was all slobbery, so out of no where he says if your not going to talk to me i'm going to leave and i let out a scream "fuck off then" it was a blessing i didn't get detained!!! But my hubby was gracious enough to come and get me and take me home. Ironically it was the exact day exactly 5 years ago that he picked me up from the same airport to start our lives together in California, it was a nice way to end the trip!!!
My grandmother died on Christmas day, its an awful feeling to have to know that will always be a day of mourning knowing that some one in your family died on that day!! I know i will be thankful everyday that i have my mom in my life, i find myself so much like her i have her hands, i have her emotions and i have her fears! I always thought i was adopted when i was younger cause i thought i was so different but now that i'm older i can see that i have both my parents with in me and they have given me gifts both from themselves while growing up that i use on a daily basis to live my life, its amazing how you can take things you know and lived with and take things from people around you and adapt them into coping skills or what ever it is, to live your life.
But again putting the bus back on the freeway..... I was up in Canada for a while being with my family, glad i could be there with my family to help my family to grieve, especially my mom! I actually had huge range of emotions while i was there, i learnt that the funeral for my grandmother would be held back because family members had decided to go on vacation instead of burying my grandmother, i was livid, i wanted to scream, and tell them what selfish people they were. I wanted to tell them how dare they put my mom and myself through that, I was pissed because all this happens and my life stops i cancel my christmas plans because i come up for the funeral, i had very selfish thoughts, although i masked them by trying to be upset for my mom's feelings, which were part of why i was pissed but i was so pissed that someone was taking away and making choices for my life without even consulting me or talking about it, it was just decided. I tried to put that on the back burner, but my anger didn't help me, i know that but shit i was pissed!!!
But soon enough the viewing was upon us! We gathered at my Aunts place to have dinner, and i was completely stressed out, i needed someone to lean on and i felt like i didn't have anyone, i missed my hubby so much and i started to isolate myself!! I wanted to be the helper not the issue, but i lost my cool when we were having supper i started to cry, and couldn't stop, my sisters pulled me into a room and tried to console me, and i couldn't figure out how to tell them that my life was falling apart and i didn't need someone dying to screw it up more! So i made up some story about mom being stressed and it unfair for waiting so long ect ect, but really my life was becoming a hell i thought i would never live in, and i didn't know what to do!! My mom comes in after my sisters and i tell my mom that i don't feel like i fit in, the truth is i have always felt like i've never fit in, and there is some truth to that but i kept trying to make reasons up that would make everyone worry less about me. God i tried hard.
Finally i pulled myself together partly disassociating i think just to get through all this, and i was fine until i had contact with someone like a hug, then i would completely lose it, but i was losing it because i actually felt human contact i wanted to be held and allowed to cry and it made sense for me to let some of that go when people thought i was mourning my grandmother, i really didn't have a lot of mourning for my grandmother, i didn't feel a lot i always felt either rejected or demanded of from my grandmother! A lot of what was going on was so incredibly personal and so far from a funeral not a soul knew. I wish that i could just let down my guard but i still have to work on that! :)
So we go into the chaple of the funeral home and we have about an hour and a half to view grandma just family! Everyone goes up, i go up with the family, then let everyone else go up then when everyone had gone up i stood in front of my grandmother and asked her why i was never good enough, what in hell could i have done to make her treat me like she did!! Funny she didn't answer, not like i was expecting an answer, i knhow that i talked to my big sister about that later on in the week and she told me that i just had to remind myself that even though my grandmother never made me feel important that i should know that within myself that i am that important! Some needed advice!!
The next day was the funeral, i was a pallbearer, i hate that job! I hate carrying dead people in a pretty box, not my thing, i grimice everytime i have done it, except when i carried my baby girl Allyn to her final resting place! She was only 14 and i wanted to do all i could for her to have a peaceful resting place and i'm glad i was apart of that, but as for my 2 grandfathers that have passed away and now my grandmother, I cringe at the thought of carrying caskets, Never liked the idea. But here i was again carrying my grandmothers casket, walking down the isle of a church being watched by people i know and people i have no idea who they are!
Then came the time for the service to start and i sat there just waiting for things to be over i hate funerals i truly do, not so much because i hate death but because there is just to much "song and dance" to it, and i find it frustrating that this is how we have to celebrate someones life by putting their body for show putting on makeup for them to look asleep, i guess its a comfort for people to know that their loved ones are peaceful! But i wonder if they ever wondered that that look isn't natural, that they do things to the body to "make" it look "peaceful". am just turned off by the whole thing!! But that is only my opinion and that's why i have a blog for my opinions, and if anyone who reads this has opinions of their own, i would like to hear them because i know mine isn't the only one out there! :D But through that service i was listening to people talk and i was wondering who was this person they were talking about, who was this grandmother everyone was talking about, and i felt so confused!!! Not that i expected things to be negative but this whole different person i never saw any of that, growing up the only vidid memory i had as a child of my grandmother is her slapping my sister in the face cause my sister showed me a picture snake, i can't remember how old we were but that was the only memory i've had that wasn't something negative.
That is something that threw me into a loop and i think of it to this day i think the shock of it has gone away now, but it was so strange my emotions were over loaded, now that i write it out i find that its not so much of an effect on me!!! But it was the experience i had, and there it is!
But that just one of those intresting different things that happened, the rest of the time that i was at home with my family i took advantage of of spending time with them, and my neice and nephews, oh i loved the time with my sisters and my mom and dad. But i was emotionally exhausted and ready to go home too. So the day finally came where i was on the road with my mom going to meet my sister for breakfast and then off to the airport where i was going to be home that night, i was so looking forward to seeing my hubby my babies (birds) and sleep in my bed. So i go through customs and wait at the terminal and they started boarding our flight, then all of a sudden all the people on the plane had come off the plane again, and by the time we were suppose to be leaving the flight was cancelled, i woke up early and didn't eat a whole lot, and i was struggling, i was not feeling really good, so i slept on and off for a couple of hours in the terminal, and when they were trying to get everyone rebooked, they called me up and said there was no way they could get me home that night, and my heart sank. But I had a choice to get into the states spend the night then go on home, so i made it to Minneapolis, and got a room, and i had a great sleep and had lots of time for me to get back to the airport, my flight in Minneapolis to San Francisco was on time and a smooth flight, then i got to the airport and realized that i had to switch over 2 terminals and it was a good 2 mile walk for sure! I thought i was going to be late for the plane, but after all the crap i got in and luckily my flight was delayed so i was able to rest a little bit and eat supper, well the flight was delayed and delayed and finally we were ready to go, and we got half way home and had to turn around, my emotional state was gone, i was not coping well, i was done with flights, so i told the lady at the counter i wanted a room but i was done, i called my hubby and said he had to come get me because i couldn't do it anymore i needed to get home. Then i had a panic attack, i lost it, i started crying and hyperventaling, i found a little corner, and dropped to my knees cried like a baby a airport cop stopped by asking if i need help and i couldn't really answer and i was on the phone with my husband so i handed the phone to him, and the cop refused it cause it was all slobbery, so out of no where he says if your not going to talk to me i'm going to leave and i let out a scream "fuck off then" it was a blessing i didn't get detained!!! But my hubby was gracious enough to come and get me and take me home. Ironically it was the exact day exactly 5 years ago that he picked me up from the same airport to start our lives together in California, it was a nice way to end the trip!!!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Life
Its amazing how things change from time to time, and how people change for the good and the bad, I have had a hell of a end to last year and a hell of a start for this year! Its amazing how soul searching never really ends, its seems that the existance of changes in life will make your idea of what you had before change completely!
Last Christmas my parents were out for Christmas, I knew it was a gamble for them to be in Missouri with my self and my family because my grandmother was really really sick and there was a chance that my mom would lose her mom, and part of me hoped that my mom would come out and everything would be great, and another part of me hoped that she would be out when my grandmother died so that i could be there for her to do something when i have felt so useless, as my poor mom has been struggling with the illness and deteritating condtion that her mom was in. I heard it in her tired pained voiced and my heart would bleed for her! I so wished that i could do something for her. But then on the other hand i wished that she would call me and say I cannot come i want to be with my mom, so that i wouldn't feel so guilty about taking my mom away from her mom's last few days if she died during the vacation!!
My parents came out, and i was so happy i had to admit having my mom and dad there made my christmas i didn't need anything, i was going to spend my first christmas with my husband my step daughter and my mother in law, nothing could of made me happier!! We had a great couple days my parents came in earlier then expected which was awesome and we got to just hang around and visit and do "normal" stuff at christmas time! We had bought my dad a huge blender for mixed drinks! He loved it, and we bought my mom tools, and wrapped them individually in duct tape, due to the fact that its my moms favorite thing to wrap care packages in duct tape and laughs as she hears the story about how the package was opened!! Everything was perfect!!!
Then early christmas morning, we all got up i made waffle batter and then we opened presents, god there were presents, there was wrapping paper every where, it was great!! We got lots of picture and a great morning. Then i made waffles, we had a great breakfast! And as one of my gifts i received some money and i wanted to spend some time with my parents so i asked my parents if we could go to Walmart (my super favorite store) just the three of us, because they were going to go home the next day! We went and all the walmarts in a 50 mile radius of where we were the stores were CLOSED, i was not happy! And another thing you can't find 2 dozen eggs on Christmas day either, sheesh, but i had so much fun with my parents, it was a great couple of hours just being together and enjoying each other's company i felt like a kid again, just needing my mom and dad around me to feel like things are going to be okay, with everything that has gone on in my life that whole year! As we come back we were laughing and everything, and when we got into the house, one of my uncles phoned and left a message for my mom about my grandma, it wasn't good news, they had taken her off life support and they were going to let nature take its course, and sure enough 8:30 pm Centeral time, my grandmother passed away!! What a Christmas!! I had told my parents that I would go with them to Canada if my grandmother passed away while they were out there! So i made my arrangements talked to my hubby and packed to go with my parents the next day so i could support my mom and attend my grandmothers funeral!!! It was the beginning of so much crap to come!
So me and my parents are out for a trip back home, in the middle of winter, now I haven't been home in the winter time for 5 years and i had no complaints about that, but here i was in the middle of the freezing north, I was cranky :D. But we arrived safely on the 27th of December, my older sister called and asked if she could come over which made me a little nervous cause we had left things really ugly the last time i was out! But she put her arms around me, and it felt so good i missed her so bad!!
The next day i was to go see the body of my grandmother passed on, that was an experience i never expected to have the emotions i did, i took pictures of my mom saying her goodbyes to her mother and that was tough to see my mom struggling with the loss of her mother. I kissed my grandmother goodbye on the forhead for the first time in my life, and i was as cold as ice, it sent chills down my spine.
Okay i need to stop here because something is happening to me, and my anxiety is starting to rise and i'm feeling chest pain, this is happening because this was something i couldn't feel like i could deal with up until now. I have had to fight with travel insurance in order to be reimbursed for the intruption of my flight!! Today i received my check, and something in me snapped and let go, and i feel this is all about my grandmother right now!
My grandmother was never someone who i got a long with, i never felt she loved me and i never thought i was important to her, and i can't imagine what i could of done for that!! I know myself and i know that i always wanted to feel important to everyone, i needed to feel important, i didn't feel like myself or good enough if i didn't make somewhat of an impression on anyone. I always wanted friends, and i did have friends throughout the years, the came and they went, and i wanted to have someone to confide in but it was hard to talk to teenagers about some of the deep shit i was going through.
I just always felt that things weren't good enough i had this little tape in my head going round and round saying you needed to be better so that you will be made proud of!
Last Christmas my parents were out for Christmas, I knew it was a gamble for them to be in Missouri with my self and my family because my grandmother was really really sick and there was a chance that my mom would lose her mom, and part of me hoped that my mom would come out and everything would be great, and another part of me hoped that she would be out when my grandmother died so that i could be there for her to do something when i have felt so useless, as my poor mom has been struggling with the illness and deteritating condtion that her mom was in. I heard it in her tired pained voiced and my heart would bleed for her! I so wished that i could do something for her. But then on the other hand i wished that she would call me and say I cannot come i want to be with my mom, so that i wouldn't feel so guilty about taking my mom away from her mom's last few days if she died during the vacation!!
My parents came out, and i was so happy i had to admit having my mom and dad there made my christmas i didn't need anything, i was going to spend my first christmas with my husband my step daughter and my mother in law, nothing could of made me happier!! We had a great couple days my parents came in earlier then expected which was awesome and we got to just hang around and visit and do "normal" stuff at christmas time! We had bought my dad a huge blender for mixed drinks! He loved it, and we bought my mom tools, and wrapped them individually in duct tape, due to the fact that its my moms favorite thing to wrap care packages in duct tape and laughs as she hears the story about how the package was opened!! Everything was perfect!!!
Then early christmas morning, we all got up i made waffle batter and then we opened presents, god there were presents, there was wrapping paper every where, it was great!! We got lots of picture and a great morning. Then i made waffles, we had a great breakfast! And as one of my gifts i received some money and i wanted to spend some time with my parents so i asked my parents if we could go to Walmart (my super favorite store) just the three of us, because they were going to go home the next day! We went and all the walmarts in a 50 mile radius of where we were the stores were CLOSED, i was not happy! And another thing you can't find 2 dozen eggs on Christmas day either, sheesh, but i had so much fun with my parents, it was a great couple of hours just being together and enjoying each other's company i felt like a kid again, just needing my mom and dad around me to feel like things are going to be okay, with everything that has gone on in my life that whole year! As we come back we were laughing and everything, and when we got into the house, one of my uncles phoned and left a message for my mom about my grandma, it wasn't good news, they had taken her off life support and they were going to let nature take its course, and sure enough 8:30 pm Centeral time, my grandmother passed away!! What a Christmas!! I had told my parents that I would go with them to Canada if my grandmother passed away while they were out there! So i made my arrangements talked to my hubby and packed to go with my parents the next day so i could support my mom and attend my grandmothers funeral!!! It was the beginning of so much crap to come!
So me and my parents are out for a trip back home, in the middle of winter, now I haven't been home in the winter time for 5 years and i had no complaints about that, but here i was in the middle of the freezing north, I was cranky :D. But we arrived safely on the 27th of December, my older sister called and asked if she could come over which made me a little nervous cause we had left things really ugly the last time i was out! But she put her arms around me, and it felt so good i missed her so bad!!
The next day i was to go see the body of my grandmother passed on, that was an experience i never expected to have the emotions i did, i took pictures of my mom saying her goodbyes to her mother and that was tough to see my mom struggling with the loss of her mother. I kissed my grandmother goodbye on the forhead for the first time in my life, and i was as cold as ice, it sent chills down my spine.
Okay i need to stop here because something is happening to me, and my anxiety is starting to rise and i'm feeling chest pain, this is happening because this was something i couldn't feel like i could deal with up until now. I have had to fight with travel insurance in order to be reimbursed for the intruption of my flight!! Today i received my check, and something in me snapped and let go, and i feel this is all about my grandmother right now!
My grandmother was never someone who i got a long with, i never felt she loved me and i never thought i was important to her, and i can't imagine what i could of done for that!! I know myself and i know that i always wanted to feel important to everyone, i needed to feel important, i didn't feel like myself or good enough if i didn't make somewhat of an impression on anyone. I always wanted friends, and i did have friends throughout the years, the came and they went, and i wanted to have someone to confide in but it was hard to talk to teenagers about some of the deep shit i was going through.
I just always felt that things weren't good enough i had this little tape in my head going round and round saying you needed to be better so that you will be made proud of!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
??????
This is the time where i have seem to lost myself in everything that is gone on. I am feeling very depressed today and i'm feeling hate for the world and most of the people in it! I don't like feeling these deep dark emotions, they scare the hell out of me, and they make me want to do things that aren't healthy. Every moment all i'm trying to do is catch my breath but i can't. I feel like the weight of the world is sitting right on my shoulders, and i can't budge it. Yesterday my therapist, had told me that in actualality i am the only one i can rely on for myself, for taking care of myself, for taking care of the household things, and hell just life! I know people will do their best but i am really alone. And since i'm a completely basket case today i'm really in the shitter! I was talking to my step daughter today and she was telling me about this guy she was arguing, and she shared some things that he said to her and she wouldn't stop egging him on, and i was feeling darker and darker, and finally i had to give the computer to my hubby telling him that i couldn't take it anymore, i couldn't take that shit any more, it drove me to near maddness the words whore and slut came up and i was disgusted and so saddened i guess part of some memories of mine come up with being call a slut and a whore! And it hurts to this day, its not a good day when someone things you are a slut or a whore, or a hooker.
There was a time in my life where i actually believed that of myself and i actually have the word WHORE carved in my leg, that's how much i believed it! Its not a pretty thing to believe such ugly lies, its such a hurtful and ugly thing! It takes away all the goodness in life, it takes away all the things that are good and make it so ugly and evil, when the light of the world goes dark where will we all be? I don't know, i know that darkness lives inside of me, that darkness is thick and full of such ugly words, emotions, feelings, death, pain, sickness. If we only knew what we did to each other, that words aren't just words they are as sharp as a knife, and they can leave wounds so huge they have no idea, I don't think that the kid in my 7th grade class thought twice about the incident when he called me a hooker, his life went on, and my life continue to go down hill, you start thinking well maybe he's right i mean only whores and hookers get raped right? Maybe that is all i am that is all who i am! Nothing else nothing more just a slut that causes men to do things in private that no one else would know about! Just because she's a whore!!
I don't believe that now, but a lot of hurt still lies in words and actions of men who have hurt me!
There was a time in my life where i actually believed that of myself and i actually have the word WHORE carved in my leg, that's how much i believed it! Its not a pretty thing to believe such ugly lies, its such a hurtful and ugly thing! It takes away all the goodness in life, it takes away all the things that are good and make it so ugly and evil, when the light of the world goes dark where will we all be? I don't know, i know that darkness lives inside of me, that darkness is thick and full of such ugly words, emotions, feelings, death, pain, sickness. If we only knew what we did to each other, that words aren't just words they are as sharp as a knife, and they can leave wounds so huge they have no idea, I don't think that the kid in my 7th grade class thought twice about the incident when he called me a hooker, his life went on, and my life continue to go down hill, you start thinking well maybe he's right i mean only whores and hookers get raped right? Maybe that is all i am that is all who i am! Nothing else nothing more just a slut that causes men to do things in private that no one else would know about! Just because she's a whore!!
I don't believe that now, but a lot of hurt still lies in words and actions of men who have hurt me!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Another Chapter
I'm trying to do my best to be the person who i need to be to survive these new things in my life, the newest thing is this rape support group that i enrolled myself into it may start next week but the lady wasn't for sure about that, but that group terrifys me, i know my dad would be thinking the movies that, she watches and it doesn't scare her but a group, he'd probably think i had things a little backwards, and i'm almost feeling that he would be so right! The movies i watch are bloody are gory and filled with so much violence! And a group where i am suppose to get support in a space that is suppose to be safe!
Strange it has just made my life seem like i'm a kid lost and can't find her parents. I don't know how to include my family in this new part of my life, i need support but i'm not sure how its suppose to work, i'm feeling so lost, and hate the feeling that i don't have the answers, i'm suppose to have all the answers aren't i?
I think of my opa a lot for the past month or so, i'm not sure why but i think about him, and it makes me smile!! Like my husband and i were talking about baby names, no we're not pregnant i'm just obessed so we thought about names and we happened to be watching WWE one night and one of the wrestlers names was Hunter and i said that i liked the name, and my husband did too!! And i said to myself, man wouldn't my Opa be proud naming my kid after a WWE wrestler! :D
I think about kids and babies often, almost obsessive about it! Everytime i see someone with a baby or look at all the baby stuff, my heart feels so sad!! By now i thought i would of had kids or at least a kid! But everything else has seemed to come up and taken that away from me. I know i'm only 27 i'm young it will happen when its suppose to happen, but what happened about when I wanted it to happen? What happened to having things when I wanted them not when everything outside my control wanted it! I'm so frustrated already, i feel so old and know i'm still so young! I try to figure this out and i try to accept what is but its so hard because there are just things in my life that i wanted when i wanted it!! I guess i should stop feelings sorry for myself, but i have decided right now isn't the time i'm gonna feel sorry for myself!! *sigh* At least that's one thing i have in my control!!!
My Hubby still feels like shit, he still hurts and he's still cranky!! Its hard to talk to him about anything serious because he usually just tries to fix it rather than just listen to me, so i feel a little lost and alone i missing my best friend the husband i use to have, i'm waiting for him to come back to me!!! I'm waiting for him to be able to let me just fall and he'll take care of me, i am so tired the road has been long, i love him and i wouldn't change anything if it meant living a life without him, but its been long, and i am tired and i want some peace, i want us to both have peace in our life!! The last of the doctors appointments were over in September and we haven't gotten a notice to go back, but i had to tell my hubby that if there was another notice this year to go back to the bay area that i would not make the trip with him. I thought that i was the most terrible person for saying this, but the stress of doctors that we are suppose to trust look at my husband in the face and tell him once again that they have no idea why he's hurting they way he's hurting i've had my fill for the year, actually for the last 2 years, thank you very much!!!!
But i continue to try to keep a positive look on things, and those who know me, that's not all that easy!! I've always been such a pessimistic person that this has been a challenge for me to actually try and keep my usually overly positive husband, just to struggle through another day! Just to one more appointment, one more treatment, one more thing! That things will work out, even though i'm not quite believing what i'm saying i just can't stand to see him so down and so frustrated!!! It breaks my heart!!!!!
Strange it has just made my life seem like i'm a kid lost and can't find her parents. I don't know how to include my family in this new part of my life, i need support but i'm not sure how its suppose to work, i'm feeling so lost, and hate the feeling that i don't have the answers, i'm suppose to have all the answers aren't i?
I think of my opa a lot for the past month or so, i'm not sure why but i think about him, and it makes me smile!! Like my husband and i were talking about baby names, no we're not pregnant i'm just obessed so we thought about names and we happened to be watching WWE one night and one of the wrestlers names was Hunter and i said that i liked the name, and my husband did too!! And i said to myself, man wouldn't my Opa be proud naming my kid after a WWE wrestler! :D
I think about kids and babies often, almost obsessive about it! Everytime i see someone with a baby or look at all the baby stuff, my heart feels so sad!! By now i thought i would of had kids or at least a kid! But everything else has seemed to come up and taken that away from me. I know i'm only 27 i'm young it will happen when its suppose to happen, but what happened about when I wanted it to happen? What happened to having things when I wanted them not when everything outside my control wanted it! I'm so frustrated already, i feel so old and know i'm still so young! I try to figure this out and i try to accept what is but its so hard because there are just things in my life that i wanted when i wanted it!! I guess i should stop feelings sorry for myself, but i have decided right now isn't the time i'm gonna feel sorry for myself!! *sigh* At least that's one thing i have in my control!!!
My Hubby still feels like shit, he still hurts and he's still cranky!! Its hard to talk to him about anything serious because he usually just tries to fix it rather than just listen to me, so i feel a little lost and alone i missing my best friend the husband i use to have, i'm waiting for him to come back to me!!! I'm waiting for him to be able to let me just fall and he'll take care of me, i am so tired the road has been long, i love him and i wouldn't change anything if it meant living a life without him, but its been long, and i am tired and i want some peace, i want us to both have peace in our life!! The last of the doctors appointments were over in September and we haven't gotten a notice to go back, but i had to tell my hubby that if there was another notice this year to go back to the bay area that i would not make the trip with him. I thought that i was the most terrible person for saying this, but the stress of doctors that we are suppose to trust look at my husband in the face and tell him once again that they have no idea why he's hurting they way he's hurting i've had my fill for the year, actually for the last 2 years, thank you very much!!!!
But i continue to try to keep a positive look on things, and those who know me, that's not all that easy!! I've always been such a pessimistic person that this has been a challenge for me to actually try and keep my usually overly positive husband, just to struggle through another day! Just to one more appointment, one more treatment, one more thing! That things will work out, even though i'm not quite believing what i'm saying i just can't stand to see him so down and so frustrated!!! It breaks my heart!!!!!
Monday, October 5, 2009
This isn't pretty in the least...**TRIGGER**
I HAVE POSTED PICTURES OF THE DAMAGE I DID TO MY LEGS SO PLEASE TAKE CARE IN LOOKING AT THEM IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH SI!!!
This is not a pretty entry. This is real and this is the ugly side of humanity and myself, and i am ashamed and i want to keep it safe away in between my hubby and myself, but i cannot because i don't want to live in silence with this, i need to be open and honest trust me this isn't pretty.......
It was a day like any other, my hubby and i were just hanging out at home. Then while i was in the bedroom my hubby calls me over bitching about the computer, i struggle with patience these days and i wanted to try and help him with his problem as fast as possible but every move i did he was on my ass saying that it wasn't working, and it wasn't doing what it should be doing, so i lost it and started arguing with him, we argued for a while and then he left in a huff cause i had said something probably very condesending, which for me was great because i can work better without him hasseling me! Then i found a program that he was talking about, and called him back in the room, and somehow we got back into an arugement, and here comes the horrible part, I fell into a rage, I grabbed my hubby's collar and just blasted him in the face i was piss i was seeing red, i can't even tell you what set me off, but i was a bull looking to break shit! So after he had enough, he left to go into the bedroom and i was ripe for a fight, so i followed him and was trying to get through to him that what he was talking about was crap and i was talking crap and then he started playing with his IPOD and i was pissed so again completely blind with rage, i tried to yank it out of his hand, he had, had enough of me, so as i was trying to follow him out but he closed and held the door shut! This caused me to flashback.... NOT GOOD!
As i was flashbacking i was screaming and crying i felt like a child i felt so scared and panicked! Ted needed to get away from me so bad, that while i'm on the floor feeling all this horrible stuff, he was getting ready to go away. I caused my husband to not want to be around me because i was out of control! I was feeling so low, i regressed into my teenage way of doing things, and i cut myself! I put in a horrible scary movie and i sat for two hours cutting myself, watching the blood run down my legs watching the razors slice through my flesh, the overpowering feeling of being stressless feeling euphoric, i took the easy way out, my rage and anger and my feelings of insecurity and powerlessness and not feeling loved, i cut myself to pretend all that shit didn't exisit! Instead of trying to sort through it like a normal person, i do stupid shit like this! I have disappointed myself and after others that a close to me read this, i probably have disappointed them too!
As I had time to think about I tried so hard to blame it all on my husband, i wanted it all to be his fault, he made me so angry! But it wasn't his fault it was my outburst of rage and anger! This reminds me of other family members that have the same issue, and i wonder if there isn't something that hasn't been identified within our family that causes the woman in the family to react so violently! Fights with my sisters as we were young we were so violent towards each other I used to beat my younger sister, and i use to bug the crap out of my other sister. And my mom use to do the same way, especially when we were trying to help her through a tough time!
What is going on with me, i feel so strange about that incident, i have apologized to my hubby for my actions, i told him what the repercussions of closing the door and holding it on me, even though he needed to before things got really ugly!! Who knows what could of happened, i almost didn't feel like myself!! It was ugly, i can't even remember most of the argument!
This has been hard to write but i need to show that even people who aren't normally violent or enraged, something can snap!! Thank God my hubby was quick enough to think that he needed to get some space! I don't want to be this way so i share so its not a secret!!
Attached are some photos of my cuts, they are graphic and if you don't want to look i would suggest that you don't continue on from here!!!
This is not a pretty entry. This is real and this is the ugly side of humanity and myself, and i am ashamed and i want to keep it safe away in between my hubby and myself, but i cannot because i don't want to live in silence with this, i need to be open and honest trust me this isn't pretty.......
It was a day like any other, my hubby and i were just hanging out at home. Then while i was in the bedroom my hubby calls me over bitching about the computer, i struggle with patience these days and i wanted to try and help him with his problem as fast as possible but every move i did he was on my ass saying that it wasn't working, and it wasn't doing what it should be doing, so i lost it and started arguing with him, we argued for a while and then he left in a huff cause i had said something probably very condesending, which for me was great because i can work better without him hasseling me! Then i found a program that he was talking about, and called him back in the room, and somehow we got back into an arugement, and here comes the horrible part, I fell into a rage, I grabbed my hubby's collar and just blasted him in the face i was piss i was seeing red, i can't even tell you what set me off, but i was a bull looking to break shit! So after he had enough, he left to go into the bedroom and i was ripe for a fight, so i followed him and was trying to get through to him that what he was talking about was crap and i was talking crap and then he started playing with his IPOD and i was pissed so again completely blind with rage, i tried to yank it out of his hand, he had, had enough of me, so as i was trying to follow him out but he closed and held the door shut! This caused me to flashback.... NOT GOOD!
As i was flashbacking i was screaming and crying i felt like a child i felt so scared and panicked! Ted needed to get away from me so bad, that while i'm on the floor feeling all this horrible stuff, he was getting ready to go away. I caused my husband to not want to be around me because i was out of control! I was feeling so low, i regressed into my teenage way of doing things, and i cut myself! I put in a horrible scary movie and i sat for two hours cutting myself, watching the blood run down my legs watching the razors slice through my flesh, the overpowering feeling of being stressless feeling euphoric, i took the easy way out, my rage and anger and my feelings of insecurity and powerlessness and not feeling loved, i cut myself to pretend all that shit didn't exisit! Instead of trying to sort through it like a normal person, i do stupid shit like this! I have disappointed myself and after others that a close to me read this, i probably have disappointed them too!
As I had time to think about I tried so hard to blame it all on my husband, i wanted it all to be his fault, he made me so angry! But it wasn't his fault it was my outburst of rage and anger! This reminds me of other family members that have the same issue, and i wonder if there isn't something that hasn't been identified within our family that causes the woman in the family to react so violently! Fights with my sisters as we were young we were so violent towards each other I used to beat my younger sister, and i use to bug the crap out of my other sister. And my mom use to do the same way, especially when we were trying to help her through a tough time!
What is going on with me, i feel so strange about that incident, i have apologized to my hubby for my actions, i told him what the repercussions of closing the door and holding it on me, even though he needed to before things got really ugly!! Who knows what could of happened, i almost didn't feel like myself!! It was ugly, i can't even remember most of the argument!
This has been hard to write but i need to show that even people who aren't normally violent or enraged, something can snap!! Thank God my hubby was quick enough to think that he needed to get some space! I don't want to be this way so i share so its not a secret!!
Attached are some photos of my cuts, they are graphic and if you don't want to look i would suggest that you don't continue on from here!!!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Friends
Wow, its been so long since i've had friends that were closer to my age, Ted and I have met a great couple, we get along great, we've had the guy over a couple times for lunch and for dinner and tonight they were both over, and we had such a great time! I felt normal for the first time in a long time, it felt so good and so right, i was in my element, i want friends so bad but i am afraid! I don't want to be hurt over and over, although i know its human nature for people to disappoint i have yet to stop that from breaking my heart! After an evening of laughing and supper and just a great time, they left and i was feeling like nothing else, feeling like i was somehow everything makes sense and having people to come into our lives that we can share lives with! Like friends should!!! I am attached these people are just so good and we get along so great! But my fears have surfaced, and makes my heart flutter and my mind race.
I want to get to know them, and open up to them, and do things with them, and i want to be friends but i don't want my heart to break, i don't want to be rejected, i don't want to be abandoned.
And i know some of you are thinking how can you allow someone to have so much power over your emotions, its my rule of thumb to think everyone is out to get something from me! That i am nothing but someone to take advantage of, and i usually don't do a damn thing for anyone, but here came a couple that made something inside me move! I had to help them, i didn't know them, i didn't know who they were, Ted had met them, and for some reason i was so moved to help them!!! So we helped them, and we have come to enjoy their company.
Friends are important to me and i chose them well, no one gets too close to me without being under careful scrutiny. But this couple has just taken that part away from me! I am myself! I am open with who i am i don't feel ashamed of my history and my problems! Its been a long time since i haven't been ashamed of who i was! I always have known that i am a good person, but i was a good person to others and the devil its self to me! I have punished myself for so long for things that are not my fault! And each one of those things broke my heart in to smaller and smaller pieces until i felt inhuman, like i was human garbage, until i felt like i wasn't a person but just a shell!! I told myself to show no emotion so i could be so strong that no one could penetrate my shield, i was solid!! I blamed so many people for breakin me, but i broke me. I broke me by agreeing with everyone of those people who thought bad of me! I am just as responsible by allowing others actions to make me hate myself so much that i would self distruct!!!
I know i have done a lot of things in my life i am not proud of but being loyal, caring and loving to those i am close to has always been important to me and i have taken pride in that! But i forgot to find pride in myself!
A good friend of mine online in my support group sent me a song which has touched me and i cannot say why but i am going to post the lyrics!!
Cut"
I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore
A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone
I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore
But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut
I want to get to know them, and open up to them, and do things with them, and i want to be friends but i don't want my heart to break, i don't want to be rejected, i don't want to be abandoned.
And i know some of you are thinking how can you allow someone to have so much power over your emotions, its my rule of thumb to think everyone is out to get something from me! That i am nothing but someone to take advantage of, and i usually don't do a damn thing for anyone, but here came a couple that made something inside me move! I had to help them, i didn't know them, i didn't know who they were, Ted had met them, and for some reason i was so moved to help them!!! So we helped them, and we have come to enjoy their company.
Friends are important to me and i chose them well, no one gets too close to me without being under careful scrutiny. But this couple has just taken that part away from me! I am myself! I am open with who i am i don't feel ashamed of my history and my problems! Its been a long time since i haven't been ashamed of who i was! I always have known that i am a good person, but i was a good person to others and the devil its self to me! I have punished myself for so long for things that are not my fault! And each one of those things broke my heart in to smaller and smaller pieces until i felt inhuman, like i was human garbage, until i felt like i wasn't a person but just a shell!! I told myself to show no emotion so i could be so strong that no one could penetrate my shield, i was solid!! I blamed so many people for breakin me, but i broke me. I broke me by agreeing with everyone of those people who thought bad of me! I am just as responsible by allowing others actions to make me hate myself so much that i would self distruct!!!
I know i have done a lot of things in my life i am not proud of but being loyal, caring and loving to those i am close to has always been important to me and i have taken pride in that! But i forgot to find pride in myself!
A good friend of mine online in my support group sent me a song which has touched me and i cannot say why but i am going to post the lyrics!!
Cut"
I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore
A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone
I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore
But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut
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