??????

This is the time where i have seem to lost myself in everything that is gone on. I am feeling very depressed today and i'm feeling hate for the world and most of the people in it! I don't like feeling these deep dark emotions, they scare the hell out of me, and they make me want to do things that aren't healthy. Every moment all i'm trying to do is catch my breath but i can't. I feel like the weight of the world is sitting right on my shoulders, and i can't budge it. Yesterday my therapist, had told me that in actualality i am the only one i can rely on for myself, for taking care of myself, for taking care of the household things, and hell just life! I know people will do their best but i am really alone. And since i'm a completely basket case today i'm really in the shitter! I was talking to my step daughter today and she was telling me about this guy she was arguing, and she shared some things that he said to her and she wouldn't stop egging him on, and i was feeling darker and darker, and finally i had to give the computer to my hubby telling him that i couldn't take it anymore, i couldn't take that shit any more, it drove me to near maddness the words whore and slut came up and i was disgusted and so saddened i guess part of some memories of mine come up with being call a slut and a whore! And it hurts to this day, its not a good day when someone things you are a slut or a whore, or a hooker.

There was a time in my life where i actually believed that of myself and i actually have the word WHORE carved in my leg, that's how much i believed it! Its not a pretty thing to believe such ugly lies, its such a hurtful and ugly thing! It takes away all the goodness in life, it takes away all the things that are good and make it so ugly and evil, when the light of the world goes dark where will we all be? I don't know, i know that darkness lives inside of me, that darkness is thick and full of such ugly words, emotions, feelings, death, pain, sickness. If we only knew what we did to each other, that words aren't just words they are as sharp as a knife, and they can leave wounds so huge they have no idea, I don't think that the kid in my 7th grade class thought twice about the incident when he called me a hooker, his life went on, and my life continue to go down hill, you start thinking well maybe he's right i mean only whores and hookers get raped right? Maybe that is all i am that is all who i am! Nothing else nothing more just a slut that causes men to do things in private that no one else would know about! Just because she's a whore!!

I don't believe that now, but a lot of hurt still lies in words and actions of men who have hurt me!

Another Chapter

I'm trying to do my best to be the person who i need to be to survive these new things in my life, the newest thing is this rape support group that i enrolled myself into it may start next week but the lady wasn't for sure about that, but that group terrifys me, i know my dad would be thinking the movies that, she watches and it doesn't scare her but a group, he'd probably think i had things a little backwards, and i'm almost feeling that he would be so right! The movies i watch are bloody are gory and filled with so much violence! And a group where i am suppose to get support in a space that is suppose to be safe!

Strange it has just made my life seem like i'm a kid lost and can't find her parents. I don't know how to include my family in this new part of my life, i need support but i'm not sure how its suppose to work, i'm feeling so lost, and hate the feeling that i don't have the answers, i'm suppose to have all the answers aren't i?

I think of my opa a lot for the past month or so, i'm not sure why but i think about him, and it makes me smile!! Like my husband and i were talking about baby names, no we're not pregnant i'm just obessed so we thought about names and we happened to be watching WWE one night and one of the wrestlers names was Hunter and i said that i liked the name, and my husband did too!! And i said to myself, man wouldn't my Opa be proud naming my kid after a WWE wrestler! :D

I think about kids and babies often, almost obsessive about it! Everytime i see someone with a baby or look at all the baby stuff, my heart feels so sad!! By now i thought i would of had kids or at least a kid! But everything else has seemed to come up and taken that away from me. I know i'm only 27 i'm young it will happen when its suppose to happen, but what happened about when I wanted it to happen? What happened to having things when I wanted them not when everything outside my control wanted it! I'm so frustrated already, i feel so old and know i'm still so young! I try to figure this out and i try to accept what is but its so hard because there are just things in my life that i wanted when i wanted it!! I guess i should stop feelings sorry for myself, but i have decided right now isn't the time i'm gonna feel sorry for myself!! *sigh* At least that's one thing i have in my control!!!

My Hubby still feels like shit, he still hurts and he's still cranky!! Its hard to talk to him about anything serious because he usually just tries to fix it rather than just listen to me, so i feel a little lost and alone i missing my best friend the husband i use to have, i'm waiting for him to come back to me!!! I'm waiting for him to be able to let me just fall and he'll take care of me, i am so tired the road has been long, i love him and i wouldn't change anything if it meant living a life without him, but its been long, and i am tired and i want some peace, i want us to both have peace in our life!! The last of the doctors appointments were over in September and we haven't gotten a notice to go back, but i had to tell my hubby that if there was another notice this year to go back to the bay area that i would not make the trip with him. I thought that i was the most terrible person for saying this, but the stress of doctors that we are suppose to trust look at my husband in the face and tell him once again that they have no idea why he's hurting they way he's hurting i've had my fill for the year, actually for the last 2 years, thank you very much!!!!


But i continue to try to keep a positive look on things, and those who know me, that's not all that easy!! I've always been such a pessimistic person that this has been a challenge for me to actually try and keep my usually overly positive husband, just to struggle through another day! Just to one more appointment, one more treatment, one more thing! That things will work out, even though i'm not quite believing what i'm saying i just can't stand to see him so down and so frustrated!!! It breaks my heart!!!!!

This isn't pretty in the least...**TRIGGER**

I HAVE POSTED PICTURES OF THE DAMAGE I DID TO MY LEGS SO PLEASE TAKE CARE IN LOOKING AT THEM IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH SI!!!

This is not a pretty entry. This is real and this is the ugly side of humanity and myself, and i am ashamed and i want to keep it safe away in between my hubby and myself, but i cannot because i don't want to live in silence with this, i need to be open and honest trust me this isn't pretty.......

It was a day like any other, my hubby and i were just hanging out at home. Then while i was in the bedroom my hubby calls me over bitching about the computer, i struggle with patience these days and i wanted to try and help him with his problem as fast as possible but every move i did he was on my ass saying that it wasn't working, and it wasn't doing what it should be doing, so i lost it and started arguing with him, we argued for a while and then he left in a huff cause i had said something probably very condesending, which for me was great because i can work better without him hasseling me! Then i found a program that he was talking about, and called him back in the room, and somehow we got back into an arugement, and here comes the horrible part, I fell into a rage, I grabbed my hubby's collar and just blasted him in the face i was piss i was seeing red, i can't even tell you what set me off, but i was a bull looking to break shit! So after he had enough, he left to go into the bedroom and i was ripe for a fight, so i followed him and was trying to get through to him that what he was talking about was crap and i was talking crap and then he started playing with his IPOD and i was pissed so again completely blind with rage, i tried to yank it out of his hand, he had, had enough of me, so as i was trying to follow him out but he closed and held the door shut! This caused me to flashback.... NOT GOOD!

As i was flashbacking i was screaming and crying i felt like a child i felt so scared and panicked! Ted needed to get away from me so bad, that while i'm on the floor feeling all this horrible stuff, he was getting ready to go away. I caused my husband to not want to be around me because i was out of control! I was feeling so low, i regressed into my teenage way of doing things, and i cut myself! I put in a horrible scary movie and i sat for two hours cutting myself, watching the blood run down my legs watching the razors slice through my flesh, the overpowering feeling of being stressless feeling euphoric, i took the easy way out, my rage and anger and my feelings of insecurity and powerlessness and not feeling loved, i cut myself to pretend all that shit didn't exisit! Instead of trying to sort through it like a normal person, i do stupid shit like this! I have disappointed myself and after others that a close to me read this, i probably have disappointed them too!

As I had time to think about I tried so hard to blame it all on my husband, i wanted it all to be his fault, he made me so angry! But it wasn't his fault it was my outburst of rage and anger! This reminds me of other family members that have the same issue, and i wonder if there isn't something that hasn't been identified within our family that causes the woman in the family to react so violently! Fights with my sisters as we were young we were so violent towards each other I used to beat my younger sister, and i use to bug the crap out of my other sister. And my mom use to do the same way, especially when we were trying to help her through a tough time!

What is going on with me, i feel so strange about that incident, i have apologized to my hubby for my actions, i told him what the repercussions of closing the door and holding it on me, even though he needed to before things got really ugly!! Who knows what could of happened, i almost didn't feel like myself!! It was ugly, i can't even remember most of the argument!

This has been hard to write but i need to show that even people who aren't normally violent or enraged, something can snap!! Thank God my hubby was quick enough to think that he needed to get some space! I don't want to be this way so i share so its not a secret!!

Attached are some photos of my cuts, they are graphic and if you don't want to look i would suggest that you don't continue on from here!!!

Friends

Wow, its been so long since i've had friends that were closer to my age, Ted and I have met a great couple, we get along great, we've had the guy over a couple times for lunch and for dinner and tonight they were both over, and we had such a great time! I felt normal for the first time in a long time, it felt so good and so right, i was in my element, i want friends so bad but i am afraid! I don't want to be hurt over and over, although i know its human nature for people to disappoint i have yet to stop that from breaking my heart! After an evening of laughing and supper and just a great time, they left and i was feeling like nothing else, feeling like i was somehow everything makes sense and having people to come into our lives that we can share lives with! Like friends should!!! I am attached these people are just so good and we get along so great! But my fears have surfaced, and makes my heart flutter and my mind race.

I want to get to know them, and open up to them, and do things with them, and i want to be friends but i don't want my heart to break, i don't want to be rejected, i don't want to be abandoned.

And i know some of you are thinking how can you allow someone to have so much power over your emotions, its my rule of thumb to think everyone is out to get something from me! That i am nothing but someone to take advantage of, and i usually don't do a damn thing for anyone, but here came a couple that made something inside me move! I had to help them, i didn't know them, i didn't know who they were, Ted had met them, and for some reason i was so moved to help them!!! So we helped them, and we have come to enjoy their company.

Friends are important to me and i chose them well, no one gets too close to me without being under careful scrutiny. But this couple has just taken that part away from me! I am myself! I am open with who i am i don't feel ashamed of my history and my problems! Its been a long time since i haven't been ashamed of who i was! I always have known that i am a good person, but i was a good person to others and the devil its self to me! I have punished myself for so long for things that are not my fault! And each one of those things broke my heart in to smaller and smaller pieces until i felt inhuman, like i was human garbage, until i felt like i wasn't a person but just a shell!! I told myself to show no emotion so i could be so strong that no one could penetrate my shield, i was solid!! I blamed so many people for breakin me, but i broke me. I broke me by agreeing with everyone of those people who thought bad of me! I am just as responsible by allowing others actions to make me hate myself so much that i would self distruct!!!

I know i have done a lot of things in my life i am not proud of but being loyal, caring and loving to those i am close to has always been important to me and i have taken pride in that! But i forgot to find pride in myself!

A good friend of mine online in my support group sent me a song which has touched me and i cannot say why but i am going to post the lyrics!!

Cut"

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

A Converstaion between Me and my SI personality

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Tiffany

Tiffany tries to ignore the annoying sound in her head.. does everything to avoid it, madly cleans her kitchen the bedroom organize the bed room closet.

Hey TIFFANY.

Tiffany is still trying to ignore, maybe mindless games will help, maybe loud music will make it go away kill it with loud music!!

Hey BITCH i'm talking to you, you can't ignore me, i'm a part of you i am you i'm the better half of you. You need to take care of yourself, cut yourself, make your leg bleed, slit your flesh open, bleed that crimson blood that makes you, you know you want to, quit thinking that your therapy is working and the medication is just a little a little blanket but i come back all the time and you know it! I will prevail! You will bleed and you will remember why you do it! And you will love it.

No I won't i have worked to hard to get this far, leave me alone, fuck off, let me be normal let me be me healthy in the mind. I don't want to cut myself its the lazy way out it doesn't really work and it just causes more pain for the loved once around me. They don't want to see me put myself into that place anymore!! I don't want to cut i don't want anymore scars from the past! I'm in the present!

Yeah right, your not any better you can't control your anxiety your medication isn't working, quit trying to pretend that you don't want to cut yourself. You want to you just do the lazy thing, make things easier on you. You won't have to suffer so much, you know that dealing with emotions and you will feel free, of the constant pressure, blood will make that go away its just a cleansing, its just blood its just another scar on your body, or just use your old scars no biggie, it will soothe your mind it will take away your it will give you peace! No one can do what i can do! I can take care of you like no one else!! Come on Tiff, baby girl, come back and do it the way we it use to be lets take care of each other. Just remember how it feels to drag that blade across your skin, watching the blood rise up, then pour over your skin, remember the sigh of relief remember the Ecstasy of it all, remember that its the only way you will ever be okay!!

Raw Emotion

I have had to fight long and hard with myself to finally get up the nerve to write this blog, but i feel i need to or else i won't be able to continue. These are raw emotions and they are not pretty so please be warned!



I want to cut oh god do i want to cut! Its hard to get out of my mind i have flashes of my wrists bleeding just pouring blood, and feeling so good so relieved so at peace, but i struggle with the decision to wimp out or stay strong! But i want to wimp out so bad i don't want to deal with my emotions i want them to go away, they consume me, i feel alone, but yet i live with my beloved husband, he's going through crap i cannot even imagine and there isn't a damn thing i can do about it. I'm about as useless as tits on a boar, a phrase my husband says all the time! :D I can't do anything but boy i try, despite everything and despite it being almost 2 years i want to do whatever i can to help him be more comfortable, and some times it falls on deaf ears or I've become annoying! Which hurts because i just want to take his pain away.



But my pain is just as equal, i guess sometimes i try to help make my husbands pain go away so i don't have to deal with mine!! I feel like I'm out of control, everything is just so crazy, we have a crazy amount of doctors appointments and a few of them are out of town, and i don't want to go out of town anymore they never bring good news. I'm tired of bad news, i want good news, i want things to be happy again. But somehow they will never be like it was!! I guess this is part of marriage through some health but mostly sickness!



Drowning in my own thoughts, feeling no sense of being alive, just going through day by day feeling so numb yet overcome with emotion. I don't want to feel my heart breaking, I don't want to feel the sadness, i don't want to feel the anxiety. I just want to be me! I desperately want to move out to Missouri so i can be closer to more family, instead of feeling so alone! Feeling like i have to be prepared for the worst all the time, to deal with it on my own. Its so scary and even though things usually come out okay I always feel like i need to prepare!

I want to be a normal couple the ones who both go to work, plan vacations, be spontaneous, be a young married couple of 3 years! Not this disaster we call a life, we are both closed off from each other, we love each other so much but we cannot look to the future because right now the future is in someone Else's hands, we are pretty much prisoners until we are completely finished with my workers comp case, teds workers comp case, Ted's social security disability case, and his VA case! So everything hangs in the balance, and its so frustrating. Don't get me wrong i want to get this all finished so at least we can figure out what to do from here! But my patience is running thin and i just want a future I want to be able to go and get a job so that i can have health insurance and get my health in check, i want Ted to know where he's at so we can deal with his health without paper work or all these appointments to decided what's best for him. I want to start a family, Every time i go shopping and i see the baby items my heart seems to break, because that is what i want but for some reason i can't have the right now, and it kills me. I always think about it, i watch TV shows and am jealous of all those women who are pregnant and i want that to be me! I want to be the happy pregnant woman. But i am not and someway somehow i have to accept that, and it hurts to the core of me! Everyone says when its your time things will work out, but i feel like that isn't fair!! But it is what it is for now as shitty as it is!!


So that is my sad tale as for right now. I am trying to accept life for what it is, and its hard i don't want to accept my life!! And that's hard to do when there is nothing i can do to change it!!

My Anger

I wanted to write how sad i was by the events that have happened over the vacation i was here for, but i cannot, the only feelings i actually feel right now is rage. A dark rage, it has seemed to me that the events of this vacation have opened the gate of hell so to speak inside me, which have come very much as a surprise to me, and i cannot grasp all the feeling i do have but i am angry, i am pissed and surprisingly enough i have finally found my voice of anger that i have been missing for a long time, so please to those who i love that are reading this, i need to express myself and i realize that some may not approve but i must speak my mind because my silent anger is over!!!

Over the course of the first two weeks i was in Canada, i took a brutally verbal beating from a person i cared for deeply, it was a constant attack as soon as there was something not going their way the amount of venom dripping from their mouth was huge, i couldn't believe what i was hearing, i was crushed and enraged that i had a person that i loved who would so viciously attack me, and my husband. There were threats made and i could not make any exceptions for them. My heart broke my spirit broke and caused me so much pain. I know i was suppose to just brush it off, but the things that were said were unbelievable, i didn't know it was possible but i felt hate for that person. I feel ashamed of myself but i cannot help it, this whole experience has opened me up to a whole new range of feelings of anger and hate. I know that for me there is a sense of hate to every man or woman who harms a child in anyway. But that hate is a hate that is removed, but this feeling of hate is close and is effecting me my anxiety is high, a deep pain is in my chest, and it doesn't go away. I couldn't believe that someone so close to me would use my abuse against me, saying that i was married to a child molester because i had been raped as a child, and that my marriage was abusive. What the fuck!! They clawed at my heart ripped my soul, threw me into some of my worst panic/anxiety attacks i have ever had, i think of cutting myself, and send pictures to them saying that the blood was their fault, they now had my blood on their hands.

I want to hurt them, i want to make them pay for what they have done for me. I know most of you who read this say well someone should not have that much power over how you feel or react but i am affected deeply, and i don't really give a damn about how i feel about the person who brought me so much pain. Heartless uncaring, deeply effected me, that i actually feel hate for the person, maybe in time things will change but right now i am so raw and vulnerable!! Those are my feelings, and its honest. And that's that!

Pain....

Its funny how there are things in life that give you a reminder on how good some of your worst days seem, i'm not sure if that makes any sense but let me try and explain, today i have my period, and it is one of the most painful one's i've had in a while! I have endometriosis and it causes me grief all the time but the worst at the time of my period!! Today has been chronic pain, nothing touches it nothing makes it go away so i sit on my ass and try to make the pain go away. But every time i get a sharp shooting pain in my gut, my crotch, or my back, i am again reminded that this isn't as easy to avoid as some thoughts feelings and emotions!!! I try to make it seem as normal as possible i try to do house work and feel as good as possible, but today was not a day that it was going to allow that. And it sucks because i'm here with my family which i don't get to do often enough and i just sit around on the heating pad hoping it will get better!!

So i start thinking man i would rather be dealing with emotional crap or trying to deal with it then deal with a pain that I cannot control, this isn't even something i would even cut myself, cause its a very real reminder that i am alive, and the stabbing pain in my gut is proof of that!! So i just don't know, its easy for me to withdrawal when i'm like this because if i have to be in pain i would rather be in pain alone!! I guess that is pretty much the same with any other pain too i guess.

But that's enough about my bitching, i don't have it bad, today i heard of a young girl on her way to the hair dressers with her brother, for graduation and she was in a head on collision, she broke both her femur bones, her brother had one side of his face smashed in, and has brain swelling and bleeding. And this all happened on her graduation day, and to think about it, today would be 10 years for my graduation, and i was doing the exact same thing as she was, going to get my hair done for grad.

I was lucky nothing happened to me, but this poor girl has to suffer for the next while, if not for the rest of her life from this accident, it just makes me continue to realize that life can go from one thing to the next in such short time!!!

And that is why i find it so important to talk about death. I know its an ugly subject that no one wants to think about, but for me, i know that if i go tomorrow i have lived my life the way i wanted to, given my heart and soul into the people that i love. I am so lucky that i found my true love my soul mate in Ted, and that i have an amazing Niece and 2 amazing Nephews. I know that i will be remembered for my horrible humor that my family can only find truly funny when i watch it and hurt so bad because i am laughing so hard because someone in a movie farted!! i am so grateful for my life, and i know that it has been amazing journey that i could of never imagined that i would find myself in. I have a will and i have made power of attorney because i don't want someone other than my loved ones to decide my fate if it should so happen!! I'm not dying and i'm not even thinking about dying, but i know death is reality and some day the people i love are going to die, and that breaks my heart now as i speak, i can't help but cry to think that one day i will be without my mom and dad, and who knows what else might happen. I suggest that you prepare for the inevitable because you never know when it might strike.

I have lived a long life, i have felt a lot of pain, i experience things differently then most people, and i am who i am, scars and all, but i do know that i am loved! no matter what there are a pair of waiting arms to hold me and to care for me, and one day when its time for me to go and go wherever we go when we die, i know that the people i love will be waiting for me because i know true love never dies!

Home

Well i am back in canada visiting my family! Its been great, i have missed them espeically since Ted and myself have been struggling with so much lately! I am so happy that we are here, i can't thank my dad enough for getting us out here, somehow he just knows when to make the sun shine in our lives. So this year i found out that someone stole my dad's BBQ and so i decided that since we were blessed with a little extra cash that we would buy him a new bbq. And he's been struggling because he wants to be home but he can't because he's stuck working, and getting screwed around and is exahausted. So my brother in law and ted put it together and my niece sprayed happy father's day in the grass, and i took pictures and had the effect that i wanted, it made his day!! And i'm so grateful for that!!!

My dad has done a lot for Ted and myself while we have been in Cali! It a great surprise!! It was a great day

Ted's Injection

Well we are home again, we left on Thursday to go and get settled in the hotel because the next day he had another round of back injections, and i was stressed out and I was afraid that this was going to be as bad as the first injections where he was in so much pain he could barely get off the strecher, so i was very scared. So we get into the hotel early and we get settled in, Ted and i check out the place and they have a swimming pool and hot tub! YEAAAA. Then we saw that we had our choice of burger kind and taco bell! Yeaaa cheap greasy food, exactly what we were looking for, we were trying hard to save every penny we could so we could have a great time in Canada. There was tension with Ted and I we had a lot of worries about the next day's procedure. So we watched cheesy movies, and just laughed a lot!!

Well the morning came and we were both so nervous, so we arrive at the VA Hosptial early so we can take our time to do the things we need to do, and we get most of the things sorted out, then went to the dreaded waiting room, Ted was called in about 30 minutes after we arrived, and got settled in and next thing i knew there was a nurse coming out to talk to me about some stuff i had been worried about concerning Teds treatment, so we got that all figured out! Then i saw Ted being pushed to the procedure room, which was my cue to finish the tasks we started before the appointment, so i go and get his prescriptions and got his travel pay, then i went to shop for some comfort food for Ted so that he had something that he enjoyed just in case it was bad again for him, by the time i finished everything and got back up to the procedure waiting room, Ted came out, and so i was eager to see what was the results of this procedure. A few minutes later a nurse came and got me, and i saw the curtian closed and i wasn't sure what that meant, but i opened the curtian and took a breath and there was Ted off the gurney and getting dressed he was sore, and uncomfortable but he wasn't in the amount of pain he was last time, so i was so relieved, and my stress level went down a little, we still had to get back to the hotel which was 50 miles away and it was rush hour traffic so it took us about 3 hours to go 50 miles not getting above 45 miles an hour. So we finally get to the hotel room and i try to get Ted comfortable and we agreed to double up his meds for the day just so he can feel better and later the evening i went to the hot tub and sat and soak while Ted kept me company, along with my ducky friend. There was a duck there that swam in the pool it was so funny!! She gave me evil glances on Thursday as i entered her pool, to swim, but i scared her off and she left. But all weekend we had a pet duck!! And sometimes there were 2. It was a fun part of the day. Then a bunch of kids and their mom came around and we chatted with them, then the weirdest thing happened our landscaper and his girlfriend showed up! It was so crazy so we pushed the limits on how long we could stay in the hot tub, and just chatted, it was so good it helped me relax and forget about the last couple days.

The next two days were rough on Ted his spasms were rough and he's been so tired, so he's been sleeping a lot, and i've been hoping its just his body helping him heal, and nothing more. But today he got up today and drove home, so i was happy that he was feeling better, but i think he over did it, he's asleep right now! I'm trying to relax, glad we are home and in comfortable surroundings!!

So he's got another appointment in September and they want him a part of a pain clinic which would be every other week, so it might happen that Ted will be in San Francisco for the length of the pain clinic, so we have to wait and see about that, oh and after we get home from Canada we start a new medication regimine which will get him off the meds he is on right now, which means no more opites, but we dont want to do it before canada just incase he get sick!!

So that's the latest update from our end!!

I can finally breathe

Today I had an experience that scared the shit out of me. I have joined a support group that has groups that have sexual abuse, depression anxiety, and so on, and i met this 15 year old Canadian, and we started talking, her story was so sad, and the more she told me the more i felt so awful for her, so i put myself out there and said if she needed to talk anytime i would try and be there for her, well over the last couple weeks we have kept in contact and she was just in so much pain, her father abused her from the tender age of 4 till she was 14. I will not begin to tell you her story because she prefers her privacy, lately she was struggling and i was talking with her daily just being her friend and trying to help her understand somethings if she needed it!

But today we talked the minute i got up and we talked a bout everything and anything. Well all of a sudden she started getting down on her self and i started to think that she might have a melt down, 5 minutes later i was right, that poor girl couldn't take her flashbacks the nightmares the pain she's been through and continues to go through, she said she would be better off dead, and i asked her are you serious about suicide, she said yes, i asked did you have a plan, she said yes, pills, and i asked her when she said I am taking them right now! I fought to have her tell me where she lived so i could send emergency support to help her, but she really wanted to die, oh god i don't know how to explain the fear i had, i was so far away i didn't have anything to contact her with, and she was dying and i knew she was. I didn't have a town i didn't have anything i was going crazy i couldn't believe this was happening, she then disappeared, i couldn't get her to continue to chat with me, the bottle of Prozac was doing what she wanted, then a miracle happened, her friend came online because she had come to visit my friend, and her friend was asking who is this, i asked her where *kim* was and she said she was out cold i told her call 911 she just downed a bottle of pill and she's dying!!!!

But thank god her friend helped her, made her throw up some of the pills, and the EMT's came and took her to the hospital, and i just heard that she is doing alright and she'll sleep through the night at the hospital!

Talk about helpless feeling. That poor girl!! My heart aches for her.

A joy

Well i have found out that my wonderful father has graciously paid for tickets for me and husband to go to Canada to visit my family!! It is so what i needed, with everything else that has gone on my dad became a shining light for me to look forward to, I know that I said i didn't want to do more traveling, but this is SOOO worth it. I'm so excited. I'm going to miss my babies, but they will be well taken care of!

There will be a lot of obstacles that I will have to fight through because there is NO escaping the crazy amount of people that are in the huge airports and the inability to get off a plane when you feel like it, than god for Ted, he's my calmness when i go through this, he makes sure that I am taken care of! He'll just be so attentive and i usually can get through it, with my coping skills and Ted's ability to sense a break down! So I am so glad that he makes things so much easier for me! But Ted and I have always travelled well together, and that makes things so great.

I don't think i have much more to write about because it will just be a repeat of i can't wait to go to Canada, can't wait to Canada. My husband is tuning me out already LOL!!

YIPPEEEEEEE And I'm off like a prom dress :D

Free Counter

So many things that are going through my mind right now, i think my head is about to explode. Next Friday Ted and I have to go to San Francisco for another round of back injections, i'm not looking forward to that, there is one thing that nearly kills me is seeing Ted in pain. And after last times shots i'm wondering how its going to go this time, I know i'll get into get it done mode, to make sure he's comfortable, or as comfortable as he can be, and this time we will be spending 2 days in Santa Rosa, so he can rest and we don't have to put undue strain on his back, and i have some time to unwind too!

Ted is on another new medication, and i'm about sick of all of it. I guess he couldn't sleep last night so it looks like he was going through workers comp stuff, and i'm afraid that he's going to become more and more stressed out then he already is, and then what, there isn't a lot of patience going around this house as of late, so we don't do a whole lot of deep discussions because we both lose our tempers rather quickly. Some days I find it hard to feel any compassion for Ted because he hasn't done anything the doctor has recommended he do for his back, and for me its like how are you suppose to get to a point where the pain is manageable if you don't try anything. I find it so frustrating, I know that this is a lot and i know there is always a point where you think nothing will work, but Dr. Khan his pain management doctor has given us a little hope that we can make this better, but i feel if you don't at least try your not going to get any better!!!! So i have become a little impatient with Ted when he says he's done all he can and nothing is helping, and that there is just nothing he can do, when he hasn't done anything the doctor has recommended, cause its going to take time she says but there will be a point where we can get this under control, i guess he didn't hear that part.

I don't know how to encourage him anymore, seems everything i've done falls on deaf ears, and he's just going to wallow, it just feels very out of control and that's what i can't stand, is that i have no control over the situation and that drives me nuts, if i could put Ted into boot camp i so would!! But its just not that easy! I don't know what to do for the man anymore!!! And that hurts.

Anyway on to other things, i have officially started my bookkeeping exam, and i know i was complaining how 100 pages was a lot, but it seemed to get just a little bigger once i started writing for an hour and a half, in iddity bitty little lines with my big hand writing. Good grief. Ted was kind enough to rub my poor hand after i had finished a bout of the exam, this is gonna be a challenge and i will end up with arthritis in my right hand after this exam LOL.

Another day

Well another day has come and almost gone, and then i get to crawl into my bed, and pretend that nothing in the world is wrong, so that at least for the moment that i don't have anything i can do, and that i can relax in bed read, listen to music or play solitare on the ipod. Nightmares have become less, so now i just dream weird dreams, and at times have dreams of grandure! I am missing my family, i am missing the fact that i cannot go to my mom's place and just get out of the situation for a while, just go do stuff with sisters, just do stuff.

But i can't and i'm sad. I love California, but some days i wish i was back in Manitoba, (only in the summer). Oh well, one day at a time right!!! I should probably be working on my bookkeeping exam, but it scares me LOL a hundred pages of crap and numbers!! I guess i'm just afraid that i'm going to fail this, but that's the little kid in me so uncertain of what she can and cannot do, i know the stuff, i'm smart and i've done better then i could of even imagined, but when push comes to shove i always doubt myself. Which means that me talking to myself is a current theme with me somedays!!

I went to therapy today, it was a good therapy, my therapist says that i'm doing well. But she says i need to get out and get to work, which will help me out too. I'm impatiently waiting for the workers comp people to let me know what's up, so that i can get started with preparing for when everything shifts, if it shifts at all! So its just a waiting game, too bad i suck at waiting! lol

Although on a much lighter note, my beloved bird sqeakers has learnt the word "kiss" and the other day i heard him say "kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss" and i turn to look at him and he was bent over grooming his ass saying kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss, now picture that. Now that's comic relief!

Talking with my dad

I just remembered a conversation with my dad that i had last week, and for some reason today i thought of it and it struck me about what he said to me, the conversation was probably one of the first conversations that he and i have had about my rape and molestation, and we talked about at that time when i was growing up that it was part of the culture to trust everyone, no matter what, trust them, with your children, trust them with your secrets and trust them with your faith. Everyone is worth being around, no matter the influence. My dad had said that if he had done things differently, with 20/20 hind site, things would of been very different.

When i think of my molestation and rape, there are times where i blame everyone for not protecting me, they should of known they should of protected me. But i was thinking in a child's mind, that little girl in me that is scared and worried if she is going to live the night. And today as a 27 year old i put it together, i see it as a woman now not as a child. Sex was basic, my mom sat me down with an encyclopedia and showed me the reproduction part of the encyclopedia, and pointed to the pictures and told me, that a man has a penis, and a woman has a vagina, and they come together and then you get a baby that way. And she said if there was any questions i could ask, but there was no talk about molestation, no talk about rape, no talk that sex could end up being a very bad traumatizing thing. Its not my moms fault, I don't even know if those were topics that were talked about back then. Even in what was the little part of our one half day of sex information, they didn't mention anything bad or that there was any warning sex could be a bad thing.

I didn't know what actually happened to me until i remembered the incident, after i had seen it rape and molestation on the news that rape and molested that i was actually was being eaten alive for so long finally had a name for me. Not that it helped much but at least i had a name.

As i have watched over the last couple years as the violence on children has gotten worse, and the depravity that has come into our society it amazes me that the knowledge that we have about the people who are bad news doesn't stop the rate of violence from climbing. I admire those who speak out about child violence.

But I know that my parents did their best with what information they had available, and that they only knew what they had grown up with and were taught, if they were taught anything about sexual depravity at all. I don't know that answer, i should ask, but I'm not sure I'm ready to have the sex talk with my parents just yet. :D Thank you dad for be honest with a painful situation for both of us, it has cleared up stuff for me. I can't thank you enough for that!!! I love you dad!

A Letter to God (explicit)

God

Please give me some sign that I am not evil. That I don't have the personality or the ability to bring out the worst in people. Will I live like a scared child hoping the big bad people won't hurt me? That the number of demons I struggle with. I use to pray everyday to you begging for you to take away my pain, to protect me to love me, to hold me in your protective arms. To send someone to help me understand your place for me but in stead you send a pervert my way. You knew i needed to know someone gave a damn enough to protect me unlike my father his friends my mother, my sisters, my church my friends. What did I do wrong or do you even exist Are you just a fable to have people believe that no matter what they do they can be forgiven and held to your bosom, why do they count and i am left to fight their battles. Cause they ask for forgiveness and i ask for justice and you deny me.



YOU DENY ME EVERY TIME YOU FORGIVE THE MEN WHO HAVE DESTROYED, PART OF ME THAT I CAN'T LIVE WITH. HOW DARE YOU! YOU FAILED ME THE ALL MIGHTY GOD YOU FAILED ME. YOU FAILED ME. YOU ARE NO GOD YOUR NOT FAITHFUL AND MERCIFULLY. YOU DESTROYED ME! YOU COULD OF STOPPED IT I WAS ONLY 12. I WAS A BABY.


I don't care that more trials make one great i don't want to be great i want to feel alive without fer and without sadness because of your neglect.

Stuck

Its amazing that when you want something and you find out you can't have it, gets to be very frustrating. I am feeling very stuck today, I mean I need a change, for the last 1.5 years since Ted hurt his back i've been the only one around that is there to take care of Ted, my father in law tries, but he's unable to react in time of crisis. So Ted and i have been talking about moving to Missiouri, to be around more family, be in a place that a hospital for Ted's military issues is onlt 30 minutes away instead of 5 hours.

Don't get me wrong Eureka, is a beautiful place, but it has become a lonely place too, i feel stuck, i'm not much of a social person, and i don't make friends easily and things are tough for Ted and myself, we live in a small house with two people that don't have all their marbles in place and the stress is pretty thick, between money, bills, medical appointments, emotional breakdowns, I think its just time for a change. And i do know that Ted missing being in Missouri where he can be his country boy redneck self! :D And I wouldn't mind getting to know the rest of that side of the family.

I just need a place where we can take sometime to be able to get our feet up and under us again. As of right now in 6 months we lose ALL of our income, except Ted's va comp but that isn't even close to pay all or any of our bills monthly. We are trying to save but its hard when we are required to be here and be there for appointments. I can't do anything for work until i know what the QME doctor writes a report deciding what i will have for a future!! So since we have decided that going back to Mad river isn't the best idea for me its time to move on, and unfortunately that means waiting for someone else to do their job!!!

Ted's been out looking for jobs too but that has been unsucessful too. We are doing fine, financially right now all our bills are paid every months, and we have groceries and gas and get to go to the movies every now and then, but we don't know what the future hold and that scares me. And it scares me more when there is someone else with their future in their hands! Hopefully in the next few months things will start to figure themselves out and we can make plans accourdingly. Today I am missing my family a lot, its been a lazy day, but its a lazy day i could of spent with my family.

But everything is alright today for the most part.

Just for warning, i am going to be posting some of my poems that i have written, some of them are pretty dark, and its something i want to share with you all, so just be prepared.

I am off for today! thanks again for reading

Stuff

Spent the night in my tent, where it seems to be a place of calm and peace Ted stayed with me until about 4 until he couldn't sleep outside anymore, and i stayed out until about 9. I miss being camping, and being able just to take a breather, and that's what staying in the tent does for me, all the great memories and good times we had in and around that tent, send me to a place that makes me feel good, and when things get really bad and the world just seems dark and ugly, i can go in the tent, leave all electronics in the house, i have my journal, my coloring book, crayons, a bed and a chair, and i just feel like its my own refuge which i was needing so badly.

Things are stressful, with trying to deal with Ted being on anti depressants, its a new medication and the side effects are showing up with Ted and he's not been the happiest person to be around, and its tough when you need a shoulder and its not there because, your loved one is going through their own stuff, and unable to be there for you.

But I am on a waiting list for a rape support group, Its a 10 week program 2 hours a week, and i'm really waiting to have some place to go where i am understood, and don't feel so lonely and actually be with people that experience the same things that i do on a daily basis. So while i wait for a spot i have a rape councelor call me every 2 weeks or so checking up on me, and continuing to support me, and continue to remind me that there are people to help me, anytime 24 hrs, and with my bad experience with some of the 24 hr help around here that's been something i've been so leary with, but honestly i think with the rape crisis line, i guess they have more understanding then just a regular crisis line.

Today I sent Susie and e-mail ending our friendship, i have asked her to stop contacting my family and myself, I have weird feelings about sending it as an email but i needed to say what i had to say and i know Susie wouldn't allow me to finish, so i did it the the only thing i knew how to do. I feel awful and guilty, i know its what i needed to do but it still feels pretty shitty.

Well laundry calls and i need to go finish it sometime today so thanks for reading, love you and i'll write more tomorrow!

That time of month

I don't want to complain but my period is getting worse, and that is all thanks to the endometriosis. The pain is like someone takes an electric knife and throws it in my pelvic area, the pain makes me nauseous. My energy is drained and i feel more emotionally vulernable, and i struggle more with things, like nightmares don't end when i wake up the feelings and emotions stay with me all day, and today those feelings are of worthlessness and that i'll never be able to fit into the world the way everyone else does, and of course that sounds crazy but that is how i feel, and i try to help my self see that those thoughts are irrational, but somedays the feelings stay with me for the entire day.

I went outside into my tent and colored, it helps me just go back to a better thought and a better time, that tent has so many good many memories, and its just a good aura in there i always seem to come out feeling better after i've been in the tent for a while, as weird as that sounds :D

today i had a memory about when Uncle Bill came over and yelled and scresmed at mom and dad over church things, i remember sitting under the desk in the room i shared with my sister and couldn't believe that a person i called uncle was betraying and abandoning our family that way. I was so scared the tone in uncle bill's voice sounded murderous, it scared me, i was praying that they would leave us alone, if they had nothing good to say then just leave. I have random memories and i hope to share them here as often as i can.

I miss my family so much, it feels so lonely here sometimes, just to goto the spa with my sisters, have my mom take care of me when i am unable, go to a movie with dad then discuss it at length. Take my Neice and nephews out for a weekend in a hotel and have a weekend of adventures.

But i am here for a reason, and i have found myself out here and continue to find myself and that's a good thing. I think that things will work out as they come, i know that the next chance i get i am going to visit my family, take Ted with me. And be a big family!

But as i write this, i hear my little sqeakers saying kiss kiss kiss kiss behind me and i can't help but laugh because he's been saying that for the last 45 minutes. I'm glad he's here he always can bring a smile to my face.

My hair is slowly growing back and its still weird i don't quite recogonize myself somedays, somedays i see a guy in the mirror trust me that can be distrubing LOL. Well i'm not sure what else to write, so i'll sign off for today.

Learning

Today has been a busy day, between therapy, my dad calling, and calling my step daughter, i spent about 3 hours talking and not just "stuff" but serious things about who i am, and how i am affected by things and some big changes in my life, so i am emotionally exhausted but i feel alright. I have to relearn to accept the fact that people are willing to listen to me and hear me i only need to speak up.

And its what i need right now, just to let my family know what's going on, i spent a lot of time in the tent today and tried to do some personal work, and that is still hard, but i noticed that the energy in my house is different that i took some of that stuff outside into my own space, it feels lighter in here. And that feels good, and Ted made dinner and it was good.

So today was a good day, and i surprisingly have very little to write!

So I'm done for today

A new start

As i look back on my blogs i've seen that most of them have been about Ted and his back, and i realized that yes i wanted people to know that life isn't grand here in my world with a husband with a busted back, but Its not the real reason that i wanted to start blogging. So now I will begin what i wanted to do in the first place, so here it goes

Right now i am diagnoised with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Severe depression, Severe anxiety and panic attacks, and now a new one Obssesive Compulsive Disorder. I am currently in therapy once a week and see a psychitrist once a month to evaluate my medications. And of course since this is a workers compensation case i see a GP once a month to get my work release renewed.

So this is what is happening right now, I have gone for a QME which just means that I go to another shrink and tell them how i've been for the last period of time since i last saw them, and wait for them to make a dicision on whether or not this is going to have me be a percentage of disability for the rest of my life, and my temporary disability ends in January so I have no choice but to accept this disability rating, so i can get workers comp out of my life, and rebuild my life. I will not be going back to Mad River Community hospital there is just too much there i cannot handle and its just a huge stressor to be in that building, so that is why i'm still off work, not so much that i can't work but i need to deal with workers comp and get my rating so that i can make the decisions and the actions i need to get back into the work force.

I have deactivated my Facebook account because i believe it was feeding me the message that if i put something on there that was reaching out, i was hoping to have support from some people and I was disappointed in the reactions that i got. I was devestated and i grew to think that no one gave a shit about me, and was just going to leave me to rot, because hey, that's Tiffany always feeling sorry for herself, always wanting attention, never happy. One thing is true, I do want attention, and i need it. My independant streak has gotten me to a place of lonliness and unhappiness, Yes i am an independant woman, who needs attention, and somedays just doesn't know how to accept or ask for it. I feel like i've starved myself from attention for years, I wanted to be the good kid, I wanted to be the least of trouble, and i wanted people around me to think yeah she can take care of herself, we don't need to spend as much time with her, as a teen nothing could of been further from the truth, i pulled myself away the more and more i needed attention, and the attention I got was either when i got caught with scars on my arm, or after insomnia had taken over my physical well being and i passed out in school, or trying to take my own life. It was the wrong attention usually at the wrong time, i wanted to be alone, with my own pain, but of course there was nothing i could do about it, i guess in someway i enjoyed that attention too. But it would only last too long before i felt it wasn't filling the need that i needed, and everyone went on with their lives thinking once again that i was doing alright.

And now i'm 27 years old living in a beautiful place in California and so far away from the people that i truly deeply love. I live with both guilt and happiness about my life, here i am doing something different in my life, living somewhere other than Manitoba, in an beautiful town. But the guilt i feel when i'm not there to be a part of the good times, and the bad times when a sister or daughter or grand daughter should be there. I don't think that will ever go away.

So right now I am trying something different and trying to communicate better, and right now my words come out better in writing (or typing) then talking. So now i am trying to express what i am going through on an daily basis so that maybe I can reconnect and reform a support group, that will do me some good!!!

2009 January - March

The year had a not so good beginning, we came home from the vacation, feeling good, it was seeming like a new medication Ted was taking was making him feel a little better. Then we opened out mail and found out that Ted was no longer getting checks from workers comp all of a sudden we were out of the biggest source of income we had, it was not looking good for us.







But it began a busy busy month for us, Ted had a pain clinic management appointment so that meant another trip to San Francisco, which wasn't all bad, we went to the Fisherman's Wharf, and we enjoyed ourselves, San Francisco has so many good and amazing memories there that i love going back. After that trip was over and done with the next huge task on my plate was my Immigration. My Temporary Visa was coming around to its expiration date and I needed to get that taken care of which is a HUGE undertaking, they want to know everything about you over the last 3 years, it took me about 3 weeks to actually get that all done, the stress was incredible because if i didn't do it right i would lose close to $600 and have to redo it and resubmit all the paper work along with another fee for $545. So i made sure that i was combing through it with a fine tooth comb. I was so relieved when it was finally done and there was no more i could do. We also found out that Ted had gotten an increase on his Military disability rating so we got a chunk of money which we paid off credit cards, debits and had enough to tell my friend Errin, that we were going to meet Her and Ryan in Las Vegas in April. It was feeling so good, we were feeling very good. Then we got a letter in the Mail requesting a meeting with Ted's work. And at that meeting pretty much without saying out right they were letting us know that Ted was going to lose his job. And not 5 days later we received a dismissal letter in the mail, Ted lost his medical benefits along with that! He was upset and frustrated, which i can't blame him for that at all, and again I tried to be positive and try to help him through all that, but inside i was dying what was going to happen now, I have my medical benefits but it was much easier to have two for him, what were we going to do, how were we going to get through this. This is not the way I wanted the year to start, we had no money coming in for ted and that worried me, and so he's now of State disability insurance. We make it, but its not easy!!!!





But Ted looked into some careers and looked into School and kept on plugging in on the whole thing he did what he had to do with it, I myself internalized it, and created fights so that there was distance between Ted and myself so that I didn't have to get to seriously into things because i was a mess and didn't want to talk, well with everything that was going on that was a bad decision for me in the long thing, between the stress of Ted's injury, his doctors appointments that has us going to San Francisco, and my immigrations stuff, and my own demons, i was completely exhausted and emotionally damaged. And then in February I wasn't feeling myself so I finally got the guts up to see my doctor. That was not very fun, she thought I might be in premature menopause because i had put on weight withing a year, I've been having hot flashes, and i just felt off. Well we got tests done that day and she also scheduled a pap smear for a couple weeks later because I had neglected it for 2 years and with my history that was a worry, so I worried for 2 weeks about whether or not I was going to have the ability to have kids taken away from me at age 27, i was freaked out and scared, and I worried. I tried talking to Ted and he said "can you do anything about it by worrying about it? If you can't then why worry?" well that hurt and i felt so alone, he didn't understand what this might mean for me, and i am a worrier always have been, always will be. I told my family but they couldn't come over and have pity parties with me, I was on my own and i was sad. So the next few weeks were rough. Then I got to my next appointment and no premature menopause, and everything looked alright. So the pap smear was done, and a couple weeks later i was completely cleared no abnormal cells on my cervix. So that was stressful and gave me some relief but next up was Ted's back injections. Now every time there has been a procedure everything had gone wrong, and for me, its a lot to handle when you become the one and only that he relies on when it goes wrong. I was weakening but i didn't want to show it so i did my best to put a brave face for him.









His appointment was in San Francisco on March 6th, and we got there and were able to eat lunch get travel pay and kinda relax from the drive down from Eureka. Then it was time, we went to his appointment and i was trying to keep it light and fun, and making him laugh and everything else. Then they called his name and brought him back and the worry started to set in, we hadn't been through this before, we didn't know what to expect and the unknown is not a good place to be. So they brought me back and Ted was so nervous that he was shaking the gurney he was lying in, to see him in hospital clothing made my stomach turn. I didn't know what to expect but some of the people involved in the procedure came and talked to us, then Dr. Khan his pain specialist came in and chatted with us and then we were left to our own devices. We chatted a little there was more hand holding and just a silence between us because we had nothing we could say to each other to make the nervousness go away. Then they finally came to get him for the procedure. And i needed to get rid of most of the stuff I was carrying, so once they took him back, I told him I loved him and i would see him soon, so i was running back to put stuff we bought into the car and rush back to the waiting room, i was in the waiting room doing my school work for about half an hour. Then I see them bring him back and it looks like hes okay but they told me it would be another 15 minutes before i could see him. Then a nurse came and got me.









And the minute i saw him I felt sick he was hunched over and when i saw him in pain, i knew this wasn't good, i was so scared something went horribly wrong, what was I going to do, I have no one that can be with me, and take care of him, I am alone and already stressed out to the max.









But amazingly I went completely numb and into overdrive and took control of the situation, and of course one of the things i forgot to do was bring Ted's medication, stupid me. But they were trying to get him an order from the doctor but ran into trouble so i was forced to leave him all curled up in pain, I hated myself for forgetting his meds, He could of been having relief if i hadn't forgotten them. So i ran back to the car to get they medication. and he was dressed and still in pain, he took his meds and put his ENMS machine and he started to feel some relief. Now they didn't want him walking up the "hill" so since our car was parked in a parking lot on a hill i had to get the car and drive around, and I have never driven in San Francsico or the VA parking lot so i was nervous i wasn't going to get where i needed to and would of gotten lost. But finally I got him in the car and we were on our way, ted was still in Pain and still uncomfortable and I was nervous as hell because San Francisco drivers scare the hell out of me!!









But it went well and we finally got to the hotel i tried to be okay but Ted was in so much discomfort i felt so bad and sad that this wasn't something that would fix him right up. And that he had to go through so much pain just to "wait and see" if this would work and the doctor told him that for his back it wouldn't work, which is frustrating news when the damage was already done. The doctor that did the injections had told Ted that he had never experienced someones back so knotted up in spams that when the doctor tried to push the needle in to do the injection that Ted's muscles popped and cracked because his back was spasming so badly. At that time i felt hopeless, if the doctors who were suppose to be apart of his healing or pain management where saying that this procedure that would cause him pain would probably not work, then what good was any of it. This is what it would be for the rest of our lives, I hated that doctor. So Ted was out of commission and i was filling my time with school work, and my anti anxiety medication just trying to keep calm just in case I needed to drive back to San Francisco to get him back to the Emergency Room. I didn't sleep well that night. It sucked, the next morning wasn't any better, he was uncomfortable and in pain and really didn't feel all that hot, so i drove home, I was exhausted from emotions and feelings of was this going to fuck him up or will the medication just go away and not do shit for him. And it seems that its the one where it just doesn't do shit for him. Except lingering leg pain. So things got somewhat better after about a week or so. I tried to gt through it, hoping everything would just kinda pass over but it didn't then i got a surprising letter in the mail....


My health benefits had been terminated and now i had not health benefits. Because of a technicality that they are only required to hold onto my payments for 3 months after that they didn't have to but it was over a year and they had just found the problem, and took very little time that to eliminate my benefits. I was frustrated and confused. I just wanted everything to be okay, no more drama, just let everything be okay. But i felt myself falling deeper and deeper into chaos, and i was beginning to become exhausted emotionally.





Then came my re evaluation for my workers comp claim, and so that's another stress I'm been dreading. And i couldn't of even imagined how badly it would go, we arrived in Ukiah, CA, at about 11 am on the 26th of March, and we got settled into our hotel room, it was beautiful i had reserved a room with a jacuzzi in it. Hoping that at the end of the day i would be able to relax my stresses away. Well I went to the appointment and all of a sudden its a Permanent and stationary review which means they are determining the percentage of my disability for the rest of my life. Which isn't a fair thing to do because they haven't gotten any information from my therapist and doctors. So now there is a big fight about all that and we are trying to get things straitened out so we can finish this and just have the right things done at the right time.

But we got through it and we went back home and then it was a day by day wait until we go to Las Vegas the only thing that i have really looked forward to in a long time. So everyday something was done so we could make an early departure on Wednesday April 1st.

The next few months

The struggle between the real world and the world that i was diving into head first, I was so bad off i couldn't even stay home alone. The first time Ted left me alone, the power went out and i froze it was day time and it wasn't really dark but the lights went out and i freaked I texted Ted that the lights went out he called me and he rushed home to be with me and said that he would not leave me alone anymore, so the next couple months Ted didn't' leave my side! The nightmares were horrible, the flashbacks were so frightening. Therapy 2 times a week, some times 3 times. I worked hard, i did everything my doctors, therapists asked of me, I tried so hard, and i worked so hard. I went to Ted's doctors appointment and i tried to be a good wife, but i think i was just avoiding myself and my emotions, cause when the day we went to Ted's appointment to see what his last MRI had to say, and that was a sad day, we sat in the room and his doctor was going through his MRI and his doctor was telling us that his injury was permanent and he wasn't going to get any better and he wasn't going to be any worse, and this would be our lives forever, and the only treatment would be pain management. But drugs and his pain would be there for the rest of our lives, it broke my heart, I was trying not to break down sobbing, and Ted kept poking at me asking me if there was anything i wanted to ask the doctor, there wasn't i was so shocked, this was our last shot at some good news and then there wasn't any good news, and oh god it it hurt, everything about the last months of hell we had gone through was going to be the rest of our life, the rest of MY life. I was mourning, i was afraid, i was every emotion there is was.





But on the other hand i had to be there for Ted, don't get me wrong I wanted to be there for Ted. So when he asked me in the car on the way home how i felt, i wanted to make sure that he had said all he had to say, and that i wouldn't be interrupted and when he finished he asked me again, I started to tell him how i felt, and how scary this was for me he would interject his feelings and emotions again, and i lost it, all the months of holding back my feelings of guilt anger frustration, sadness, pain, came out and I told him you just don't care about how i feel, its always about you and you don't allow me to get what i need to say off my chest. Well both of us were angry and sad and devastated it was our biggest fight ever, Ted got angry because I kept saying you just don't care about anyone but yourself, then he threw the back pack across the room and he flipped the futon and chair over, and came up at me like a bully would and said does that show you that i care, i was scared nervous and so sad that it had come to this. I went over to the neighbours and i cried and drank and cried some more, had dinner then went back home, and found him drunk on the couch. I put him to bed, and i sat and thought what am i going to do, but my emotions were starting to overwhelm me, and i couldn't get out from under it, i just kept getting worse and worse and worse, and so my therapist thought it might be a good idea if i went to see my family in Canada. So after i went home and told Ted i need to go home, there is nothing you can offer me right now that I need and my family can so I made a 3 week vacation to Canada.



So off i went. I was spent, i wasn't even sure how to communicate to my family properly i kept feeling that i was alone. And it made me so sad. But the vacation made me feel better by the end and ready to take back my role as wife. And hopefully back to work, and slowly things got better and the first week of September I was back at work, and I was moved to Medical Records, which was awesome I loved it there the people were nice and i got to do my own thing after i learnt what i needed to do! Things were going great until one day at the end of October when I had a flash back one night just before falling asleep, i didn't think of it much but all of a sudden the next day was blacker then before, just when i was feeling better and working, and feeling better about myself, i took a nose dive and it was bad, it was so bad that in the middle of November i went into the Psychiatric emergency hold building for a night, i wanted to kill myself, I wanted to be done with pain, i didn't want to fight with Ted about how i was feeling, and have him not understand, not have his support, but really i didn't want to go on, I was tired, my mind was not clear i just wanted to be free from all responsibility. Death was that for me. But I also realized that these thoughts were not good, so i called the cops on myself told them what i wanted to do, and they came over and got me.

So after all that and i got checked into this place where i was suppose to have someone to talk to, they led me into a room that had 4 beds, which had one male, two females, and a guard. I was terrified. There was a 2 men in the room and i was suppose to sleep, well i sat on my bed which was right by the window, being in the middle of November it was cold, and all of a sudden lights go out and i realize that they just dumped me in here, that was keeping me safe it was bullshit, so after about an hour of listening to the "employees" talking about each patient in a unprofessional fashion, i got up to pee, then told the employees that i was so uncomfortable with 2 men in the room and i was stressed out and anxious. She told me, that we are closely watched, and no one would get hurt, and i told them i want to go home. They wouldn't let me, they just told me to go lie down, and so i was waiting for them to bring my meds to me, but it never happened and i struggled with sleep at that time and i needed my sleeping pill they wouldn't give it to me because they weren't from "their" doctors, so i suffered, I was cold i was sleep deprived and terrified, I even heard the guard tell the staff that they should give me something "cause the poor girl is talking to herself and sitting up and lying down." but nothing, that was the longest night of my life. Finally after all that waiting they told me I was in too much therapy and that i needed to get out more, and that life is great!

After that I went home and pretended like nothing happened like it was one big joke, but i still have memories about that night. God it was awful. I told myself i should of just cut myself to end the pain, and it would of been less traumatic then that damn building.

But i was at home and vowed never to go back. But now after medication things started to level out again.

Then a big surprise for Thanksgiving I got a wonderful surprise, my parents came out to have thanksgiving with Ted, Tom, and myself. It was great and I got to spend my Birthday with them too which was awesome. It was a great surprise I loved every moment of it.

and i was getting ready for my first Christmas with Ted's Mom and Ted's Daughter Kirsten. So that came up and i was trying to not stress out too much, but it turned out to be a great vacation, a few bumps here and there, but other than that great. I enjoyed myself, and met some amazing family members that I am now connected to. That was my greatest Christmas gift.

January 23, 2008

This day still haunts me today, it brings a sadness and hatred into my life that i don't know what to do with most of the time, hopefully sharing it will allow me some healing. It was like any other day, i had to work, but Ted had an appointment for the results of the mylogram, so i was thinking it was going to be a good day, but as i was preparing to leave for a couple hours at work, i was in the walk in freezer looking for ice cream when all of a sudden the door closes, the lights go out and i am in the dark, at first i look around then i see the glow in the dark handle in which i am suppose to be able to get out, but i couldn't the door was being held shut, i panicked and flashed back to the day i was raped. I had a panic attack i was lost and confused, then my co worker opened the door, and laughed at me, but i was afraid, so very afraid, and panicked.







Everything from then on was a blur, i don't remember much of the day, after that, i don't even much of the appointment that Ted had. I was there physically but that's about it. I was numb i was on auto pilot. I just did my job till it was done, then went home, not sure how i got home exactly but thank god safely. Then as i started to relax a little then my world fell apart, Ted kept pushing to what happened, and then i started to talk about it, and just fell apart, i cried, and shook and became terrified of everything. All of a sudden my world became small, and evil. I was afraid of my bathroom, i was afraid of falling a sleep i was afraid of everything. Nightmares plagued me if i did fall asleep i cried all the time, i hated life.







The next day Ted had thought it a good idea to go and talk to my supervisor. I didn't want to go, i was too afraid, i didn't want to see the guy that did this to me i didn't want to be back at the hospital. But he thought it was the best, so off we went, if i had eaten anything i would of probably thrown it up. We got into the hospital and all i wanted to do is run, far far away, i became stiff and terrified. We made it to Art's office, and i find the corner in which no one could see me if they came into the storage room. Ted did most of the talking, and i just tried not to cry, but i failed. Art didn't seem to understand why this was affecting me like it was, and i wasn't about to tell him, but all i wanted was to go home and be safe. Well once we got out of there and headed back to the car on of my co workers hugged me, and off to the house, i called my therapist, and made an appointment with her and just went home to be with Ted. Nothing was getting better, the fear got worse and worse by the hour, my inability to function went away, i didn't eat unless ted told me i had to and watched me eat. I kept having flash backs so terrifying i was going completely crazy, i was losing my mind, my sanity and everything else. I wasn't sure that i was going to survive this and that i would probably end up in the nut house.





The next day I struggled to get out of bed, i was exhausted from all the nightmares the anxiety, and the flash backs, but i got up and made my appointment with my therapist. She had told me that i was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and severe depression and that i needed to see a doctor immediately to get some medication so that I wouldn't get worse, so i tried to get a hold of my general doctor, but that took too long, then i called Mad River occupational health and they tried to set up an appointment for the next week, and i told them I'm sorry but i can't wait till next week I'm bad and I'm suffering i need in today. So from the goodness of their hearts they got me in over their lunch hour, and i had to fill all the workers comp forms and all that crap while trying not to fall apart, that was too late. So they sent me home with Paxil (an anti depressant) and Xanax (an anti anxiety) and went home filled the prescription and for the first time i slept. My anxiety finally felt like it was going away if only for a little while! It took months before i was able to sleep without some kind of night light, i still have nightmares to this day, and the sadness never leaves.



Trying to deal with Ted's back injury and my complete lack of confidence in myself i was a mess, i didn't know how to be in a relationship, i didn't know how to function anymore, it was like i was a child lost in a grown up world. Who was going to take me serious, who was going to take care of me, how was life going to go on, i started cutting again. I was mad at me, and Ted was frustrated with me, because i had made a promise to him that i wouldn't cut myself ever again, i hated myself. I wasn't sure if Ted actually wanted to be with ME because i didn't want to be me. I actually believed that Ted would leave me if i didn't get better so i worked so hard, i ran on the treadmill every day i took my meds i kept the house neat, i went to therapy i went to my doctors appointments, i went to his appointments, i took care of his needs and yet the loathing i had for myself grew stronger and stronger every day and one day i just didn't give a shit. I stopped running, i stopped journaling, i still went to therapy and doctors cause I had to but i hate the world. Ted and i got into huge fights and i felt worse and worse and worse. Then more bad news from Ted's neurosurgeon, saying that Ted will not get better but will not get worse! It was more than my poor brain heart and emotions could have, that was the huge blow out in our relationship and decided to go to Canada for 3 weeks to get my head on right, the trip was alright, but i was exhausted and so confused. I was so lonely and heart broken.

So not only does my husband have a problem i had one two, two people in that amount of pain is never has a good outcome.

Ted's Mylogram

It was a day of nerves we were both nervous about the procedure, we didn't know what to expect and were thinking that this was going to be the day that we would finally know what the hell was going on with Ted's back, so it was fear, some home, and a lot of nervousness, so i bring Ted to St. Joe's hospital and its going to be about 3 hours, so i go to Mad River to pick up my pay check, chat with one of my co workers, then back to Eureka, deposit my check and get back to the hospital before ted got out of his procedure. I got back and i waited impatiently. Finally someone called me back to a room where ted was, and they wanted him to pee, and he was having such a hard time, he was feeling unwell and just struggled to go to the bathroom, then i was asked to leave again, so they could finish up, and then i pulled the car around and waited for ted to be brought out in a wheel chair, we had specific instructions for when we got home, but he wasn't feeling bad. So we just got home and relaxed, but ted could not sit still so he did some stuff and the headache started that very evening. The I was awakened by Ted throwing up in the middle of the night, i asked if there was anything i could do for him and he said no, so throughout out the early morning i heard ted throw up time and time and time again. He was still having trouble going pee that it would make his headache worse and make him throw up, i begged him for 2 days to go to the hospital he said no just wait a little longer so i suffered through trying not to cry every time he went to the bathroom, to either pee or to throw up the meal i just gave him. I didn't know what was happening and no one told me this would happen i was alone, i was scared and no where to go. I started to wonder if we were going to make it through all this. Finally after 3 days, the day we opened presents with my family, he was laying sick on the couch, while we opened mail. God he was so sick it was so painful for him to open the presents. Then he slept through most of the rest, while i sat with dread knowing that after this we would be back at the hospital, merry freakin Christmas Tiffany. After all the wishing in the world, i couldn't get my family to visually appear. so i signed off the Internet and said my goodbyes to my family, and once again had to take charge, i called Ted's dad, but he said he couldn't leave work, so again i was alone and afraid.

So after i finished up with my family, ted tried to pee once more and ended up the same way, for 30 minutes on the floor feeling like he was dying. So i had to pull him off the floor and take him to hospital, i ran into the ER leaving ted in the car and asked for the nurses to help, they pulled him right into the hospital and i finished with all the paper work, shortly there after they let me in, and again i am in the ER trying to be brave for ted, and they put a catheter in, and gave him an injection so the he would stop throwing up. So after about an hour i took him home, and he slept and i went and got new medication and some groceries. I was exhausted, wishing i had someone to take care of this stuff for me, or just help me. But there was no one i was alone, scare alone, wondering if my husband was actually going to get through this OK. Finally the right meds started to work, he could pee lying down so he didn't have to get back up, so slowly he started to heal from the painful side effects. But i wasn't healing, i didn't have time, it was one thing after another, i couldn't breathe, i couldn't figure which was up and which was down, i felt so lost. Nothing was making any sense plus i was getting problems from the hospital and the people i was working with, i was finding myself the but of someones joke, someone had put grease on my car, i was not happy, i made a police report, and i was trying my best to continue learning my new position as both diet aide and supervisor, and ted and his back i couldn't tell my ass from the ground. Then as we were both trying to recover from his Mylogram, my worst nightmare happened and changed my life once again, for the worse.

December 2, 2007

This day is still so fresh in my head, and a sense of terror fills my stomach every time that i think about it. It was pretty much like any other day, Ted wasn't feeling well and i was getting ready for work, nothing seemed out of the ordinary, i kissed Ted good bye and left for work, i was driving to work, getting ready for another day at work, I had just been promoted supervisor and been trained to be a Diet Aide and I was excited about going to work. Things were good, well all except for ted not a 100%, well it was 11 am and my name is called over the loud speaker saying i had a phone call. so i picked up the phone and Ted was on the other line as soon as i heard his voice i knew something was very very wrong. He had a hard time talking and all I asked was do I need to come home? He said yes. That scared the shit out of me, Ted has always said that he could take care of himself and made things seem less serious then they were. The minute he told me he needed me at home, i knew it was bad. The weather that day was crap, the wind was blowing, there was debris all over the road and i was sobbing and scared, and was trying to drive safely and as close to the speed limit as i could. i didn't know what was going to be waiting for me when i got home, I had called Tom before i left the Hospital and he was on his way over to the house, so i thought that he would call the ambulance and all that stuff. Well i finally got home and my baby was sitting on the couch, bent over, sobbing, snot hanging off his nose, in so much pain, I was terrified, and there was my father in law just standing over ted. I think he was frozen in fear, which at the time didn't help me one bit. So i go over to my hubby and i took one look at him and said he needs a doctor, so i called 911 and got an ambulance. The came, and everytime they moved him Ted cried out in pain, I thought I was going to throw up, I didn't know what to do, i didn't know how to make him better i didn't know how to take care of him. So off to the hospital which Tom and I went behind the ambulance. They took him to the hospital, and i was scared, i went back to be with him and Ted looked so frail, i looked at the man who vowed to protect me always and I knew at that moment I had no one to protect me, I was on my own, I was terrified, I didn't know what to do. Then i got my period, i was in so much pain, the cramps were hellish, and with the stress i was in so much pain. but of course i was not prepared for my period so i had to go home, well i go home and realize that i have left my house keys at the hospital and i thought oh god i have to go back, then I remembered that my dear step daughter had climbed through the kitchen window one day when we had accidentally locked her out of the house, so i prayed that the window was unlocked, and it was thank god. So i broke into my own home, ass over tea kettle. Then rushed back to the hospital, Ted was getting x rays and ct scans, so we waited. Once Ted got back from his tests, we waited for the results but Ted finally got some relief with pain medication.

So once the doctor came in he told us that nothing showed up on the tests that they did, i was heart broken, i couldn't believe that with that amount of pain, they couldn't find a damn thing. But ted started to feel better and that was all that mattered. So I took him home, and asked Tom to stay with him while i was gone, but just before i left Ted started throwing up violently. I was scared, ted had never been so sick before, everything was so new and scary. But i quickly went out and filled his prescriptions for new pain meds and a steroid to see if the inflammation would go down. Ted spend the next 2 hours throwing up, then after he had kinda calmed down a little he went to sleep, and slept for a while. I had time to myself and i was wishing i hadn't i didn't know how to process everything i was in fear, everything went through my mind, what if having sex made this happen, what if us doing things going out to movies, walking around the mall, driving, ect, ect, ect. I became afraid to do anything i would try and make it sound like i didn't want to do anything, i worked a lot of hours, so that i wasn't going to be responsible for his pain in anyway. After all that ted was suppose to go to work the next day and I fought with him not to go to work, i wanted him to take care of himself so at the cost of how he felt i pissed him off enough to get him to make the phone call to say he wasn't going into work and he was going to call his doctor and get a NO WORK slip. I knew it was the best thing for him, and i knew that he could maybe heal. So it was a stressful month and Christmas was coming around and I was working like a mad dog. Ted and I had decided that things just weren't going to well and we decided that Christmas just wasn't going to happen for us, so we weren't going to do anything, which was very sad, but i was working anyway. Ted had a mylogram CT scan scheduled for December 26th to see if anything could be diagnose so we were waiting for that. That became the most scary ordeal i have ever experienced in my life time.