The year had a not so good beginning, we came home from the vacation, feeling good, it was seeming like a new medication Ted was taking was making him feel a little better. Then we opened out mail and found out that Ted was no longer getting checks from workers comp all of a sudden we were out of the biggest source of income we had, it was not looking good for us.
But it began a busy busy month for us, Ted had a pain clinic management appointment so that meant another trip to San Francisco, which wasn't all bad, we went to the Fisherman's Wharf, and we enjoyed ourselves, San Francisco has so many good and amazing memories there that i love going back. After that trip was over and done with the next huge task on my plate was my Immigration. My Temporary Visa was coming around to its expiration date and I needed to get that taken care of which is a HUGE undertaking, they want to know everything about you over the last 3 years, it took me about 3 weeks to actually get that all done, the stress was incredible because if i didn't do it right i would lose close to $600 and have to redo it and resubmit all the paper work along with another fee for $545. So i made sure that i was combing through it with a fine tooth comb. I was so relieved when it was finally done and there was no more i could do. We also found out that Ted had gotten an increase on his Military disability rating so we got a chunk of money which we paid off credit cards, debits and had enough to tell my friend Errin, that we were going to meet Her and Ryan in Las Vegas in April. It was feeling so good, we were feeling very good. Then we got a letter in the Mail requesting a meeting with Ted's work. And at that meeting pretty much without saying out right they were letting us know that Ted was going to lose his job. And not 5 days later we received a dismissal letter in the mail, Ted lost his medical benefits along with that! He was upset and frustrated, which i can't blame him for that at all, and again I tried to be positive and try to help him through all that, but inside i was dying what was going to happen now, I have my medical benefits but it was much easier to have two for him, what were we going to do, how were we going to get through this. This is not the way I wanted the year to start, we had no money coming in for ted and that worried me, and so he's now of State disability insurance. We make it, but its not easy!!!!
But Ted looked into some careers and looked into School and kept on plugging in on the whole thing he did what he had to do with it, I myself internalized it, and created fights so that there was distance between Ted and myself so that I didn't have to get to seriously into things because i was a mess and didn't want to talk, well with everything that was going on that was a bad decision for me in the long thing, between the stress of Ted's injury, his doctors appointments that has us going to San Francisco, and my immigrations stuff, and my own demons, i was completely exhausted and emotionally damaged. And then in February I wasn't feeling myself so I finally got the guts up to see my doctor. That was not very fun, she thought I might be in premature menopause because i had put on weight withing a year, I've been having hot flashes, and i just felt off. Well we got tests done that day and she also scheduled a pap smear for a couple weeks later because I had neglected it for 2 years and with my history that was a worry, so I worried for 2 weeks about whether or not I was going to have the ability to have kids taken away from me at age 27, i was freaked out and scared, and I worried. I tried talking to Ted and he said "can you do anything about it by worrying about it? If you can't then why worry?" well that hurt and i felt so alone, he didn't understand what this might mean for me, and i am a worrier always have been, always will be. I told my family but they couldn't come over and have pity parties with me, I was on my own and i was sad. So the next few weeks were rough. Then I got to my next appointment and no premature menopause, and everything looked alright. So the pap smear was done, and a couple weeks later i was completely cleared no abnormal cells on my cervix. So that was stressful and gave me some relief but next up was Ted's back injections. Now every time there has been a procedure everything had gone wrong, and for me, its a lot to handle when you become the one and only that he relies on when it goes wrong. I was weakening but i didn't want to show it so i did my best to put a brave face for him.
His appointment was in San Francisco on March 6th, and we got there and were able to eat lunch get travel pay and kinda relax from the drive down from Eureka. Then it was time, we went to his appointment and i was trying to keep it light and fun, and making him laugh and everything else. Then they called his name and brought him back and the worry started to set in, we hadn't been through this before, we didn't know what to expect and the unknown is not a good place to be. So they brought me back and Ted was so nervous that he was shaking the gurney he was lying in, to see him in hospital clothing made my stomach turn. I didn't know what to expect but some of the people involved in the procedure came and talked to us, then Dr. Khan his pain specialist came in and chatted with us and then we were left to our own devices. We chatted a little there was more hand holding and just a silence between us because we had nothing we could say to each other to make the nervousness go away. Then they finally came to get him for the procedure. And i needed to get rid of most of the stuff I was carrying, so once they took him back, I told him I loved him and i would see him soon, so i was running back to put stuff we bought into the car and rush back to the waiting room, i was in the waiting room doing my school work for about half an hour. Then I see them bring him back and it looks like hes okay but they told me it would be another 15 minutes before i could see him. Then a nurse came and got me.
And the minute i saw him I felt sick he was hunched over and when i saw him in pain, i knew this wasn't good, i was so scared something went horribly wrong, what was I going to do, I have no one that can be with me, and take care of him, I am alone and already stressed out to the max.
But amazingly I went completely numb and into overdrive and took control of the situation, and of course one of the things i forgot to do was bring Ted's medication, stupid me. But they were trying to get him an order from the doctor but ran into trouble so i was forced to leave him all curled up in pain, I hated myself for forgetting his meds, He could of been having relief if i hadn't forgotten them. So i ran back to the car to get they medication. and he was dressed and still in pain, he took his meds and put his ENMS machine and he started to feel some relief. Now they didn't want him walking up the "hill" so since our car was parked in a parking lot on a hill i had to get the car and drive around, and I have never driven in San Francsico or the VA parking lot so i was nervous i wasn't going to get where i needed to and would of gotten lost. But finally I got him in the car and we were on our way, ted was still in Pain and still uncomfortable and I was nervous as hell because San Francisco drivers scare the hell out of me!!
But it went well and we finally got to the hotel i tried to be okay but Ted was in so much discomfort i felt so bad and sad that this wasn't something that would fix him right up. And that he had to go through so much pain just to "wait and see" if this would work and the doctor told him that for his back it wouldn't work, which is frustrating news when the damage was already done. The doctor that did the injections had told Ted that he had never experienced someones back so knotted up in spams that when the doctor tried to push the needle in to do the injection that Ted's muscles popped and cracked because his back was spasming so badly. At that time i felt hopeless, if the doctors who were suppose to be apart of his healing or pain management where saying that this procedure that would cause him pain would probably not work, then what good was any of it. This is what it would be for the rest of our lives, I hated that doctor. So Ted was out of commission and i was filling my time with school work, and my anti anxiety medication just trying to keep calm just in case I needed to drive back to San Francisco to get him back to the Emergency Room. I didn't sleep well that night. It sucked, the next morning wasn't any better, he was uncomfortable and in pain and really didn't feel all that hot, so i drove home, I was exhausted from emotions and feelings of was this going to fuck him up or will the medication just go away and not do shit for him. And it seems that its the one where it just doesn't do shit for him. Except lingering leg pain. So things got somewhat better after about a week or so. I tried to gt through it, hoping everything would just kinda pass over but it didn't then i got a surprising letter in the mail....
My health benefits had been terminated and now i had not health benefits. Because of a technicality that they are only required to hold onto my payments for 3 months after that they didn't have to but it was over a year and they had just found the problem, and took very little time that to eliminate my benefits. I was frustrated and confused. I just wanted everything to be okay, no more drama, just let everything be okay. But i felt myself falling deeper and deeper into chaos, and i was beginning to become exhausted emotionally.
Then came my re evaluation for my workers comp claim, and so that's another stress I'm been dreading. And i couldn't of even imagined how badly it would go, we arrived in Ukiah, CA, at about 11 am on the 26th of March, and we got settled into our hotel room, it was beautiful i had reserved a room with a jacuzzi in it. Hoping that at the end of the day i would be able to relax my stresses away. Well I went to the appointment and all of a sudden its a Permanent and stationary review which means they are determining the percentage of my disability for the rest of my life. Which isn't a fair thing to do because they haven't gotten any information from my therapist and doctors. So now there is a big fight about all that and we are trying to get things straitened out so we can finish this and just have the right things done at the right time.
But we got through it and we went back home and then it was a day by day wait until we go to Las Vegas the only thing that i have really looked forward to in a long time. So everyday something was done so we could make an early departure on Wednesday April 1st.
Monday, March 23, 2009
The next few months
The struggle between the real world and the world that i was diving into head first, I was so bad off i couldn't even stay home alone. The first time Ted left me alone, the power went out and i froze it was day time and it wasn't really dark but the lights went out and i freaked I texted Ted that the lights went out he called me and he rushed home to be with me and said that he would not leave me alone anymore, so the next couple months Ted didn't' leave my side! The nightmares were horrible, the flashbacks were so frightening. Therapy 2 times a week, some times 3 times. I worked hard, i did everything my doctors, therapists asked of me, I tried so hard, and i worked so hard. I went to Ted's doctors appointment and i tried to be a good wife, but i think i was just avoiding myself and my emotions, cause when the day we went to Ted's appointment to see what his last MRI had to say, and that was a sad day, we sat in the room and his doctor was going through his MRI and his doctor was telling us that his injury was permanent and he wasn't going to get any better and he wasn't going to be any worse, and this would be our lives forever, and the only treatment would be pain management. But drugs and his pain would be there for the rest of our lives, it broke my heart, I was trying not to break down sobbing, and Ted kept poking at me asking me if there was anything i wanted to ask the doctor, there wasn't i was so shocked, this was our last shot at some good news and then there wasn't any good news, and oh god it it hurt, everything about the last months of hell we had gone through was going to be the rest of our life, the rest of MY life. I was mourning, i was afraid, i was every emotion there is was.
But on the other hand i had to be there for Ted, don't get me wrong I wanted to be there for Ted. So when he asked me in the car on the way home how i felt, i wanted to make sure that he had said all he had to say, and that i wouldn't be interrupted and when he finished he asked me again, I started to tell him how i felt, and how scary this was for me he would interject his feelings and emotions again, and i lost it, all the months of holding back my feelings of guilt anger frustration, sadness, pain, came out and I told him you just don't care about how i feel, its always about you and you don't allow me to get what i need to say off my chest. Well both of us were angry and sad and devastated it was our biggest fight ever, Ted got angry because I kept saying you just don't care about anyone but yourself, then he threw the back pack across the room and he flipped the futon and chair over, and came up at me like a bully would and said does that show you that i care, i was scared nervous and so sad that it had come to this. I went over to the neighbours and i cried and drank and cried some more, had dinner then went back home, and found him drunk on the couch. I put him to bed, and i sat and thought what am i going to do, but my emotions were starting to overwhelm me, and i couldn't get out from under it, i just kept getting worse and worse and worse, and so my therapist thought it might be a good idea if i went to see my family in Canada. So after i went home and told Ted i need to go home, there is nothing you can offer me right now that I need and my family can so I made a 3 week vacation to Canada.
So off i went. I was spent, i wasn't even sure how to communicate to my family properly i kept feeling that i was alone. And it made me so sad. But the vacation made me feel better by the end and ready to take back my role as wife. And hopefully back to work, and slowly things got better and the first week of September I was back at work, and I was moved to Medical Records, which was awesome I loved it there the people were nice and i got to do my own thing after i learnt what i needed to do! Things were going great until one day at the end of October when I had a flash back one night just before falling asleep, i didn't think of it much but all of a sudden the next day was blacker then before, just when i was feeling better and working, and feeling better about myself, i took a nose dive and it was bad, it was so bad that in the middle of November i went into the Psychiatric emergency hold building for a night, i wanted to kill myself, I wanted to be done with pain, i didn't want to fight with Ted about how i was feeling, and have him not understand, not have his support, but really i didn't want to go on, I was tired, my mind was not clear i just wanted to be free from all responsibility. Death was that for me. But I also realized that these thoughts were not good, so i called the cops on myself told them what i wanted to do, and they came over and got me.
So after all that and i got checked into this place where i was suppose to have someone to talk to, they led me into a room that had 4 beds, which had one male, two females, and a guard. I was terrified. There was a 2 men in the room and i was suppose to sleep, well i sat on my bed which was right by the window, being in the middle of November it was cold, and all of a sudden lights go out and i realize that they just dumped me in here, that was keeping me safe it was bullshit, so after about an hour of listening to the "employees" talking about each patient in a unprofessional fashion, i got up to pee, then told the employees that i was so uncomfortable with 2 men in the room and i was stressed out and anxious. She told me, that we are closely watched, and no one would get hurt, and i told them i want to go home. They wouldn't let me, they just told me to go lie down, and so i was waiting for them to bring my meds to me, but it never happened and i struggled with sleep at that time and i needed my sleeping pill they wouldn't give it to me because they weren't from "their" doctors, so i suffered, I was cold i was sleep deprived and terrified, I even heard the guard tell the staff that they should give me something "cause the poor girl is talking to herself and sitting up and lying down." but nothing, that was the longest night of my life. Finally after all that waiting they told me I was in too much therapy and that i needed to get out more, and that life is great!
After that I went home and pretended like nothing happened like it was one big joke, but i still have memories about that night. God it was awful. I told myself i should of just cut myself to end the pain, and it would of been less traumatic then that damn building.
But i was at home and vowed never to go back. But now after medication things started to level out again.
Then a big surprise for Thanksgiving I got a wonderful surprise, my parents came out to have thanksgiving with Ted, Tom, and myself. It was great and I got to spend my Birthday with them too which was awesome. It was a great surprise I loved every moment of it.
and i was getting ready for my first Christmas with Ted's Mom and Ted's Daughter Kirsten. So that came up and i was trying to not stress out too much, but it turned out to be a great vacation, a few bumps here and there, but other than that great. I enjoyed myself, and met some amazing family members that I am now connected to. That was my greatest Christmas gift.
But on the other hand i had to be there for Ted, don't get me wrong I wanted to be there for Ted. So when he asked me in the car on the way home how i felt, i wanted to make sure that he had said all he had to say, and that i wouldn't be interrupted and when he finished he asked me again, I started to tell him how i felt, and how scary this was for me he would interject his feelings and emotions again, and i lost it, all the months of holding back my feelings of guilt anger frustration, sadness, pain, came out and I told him you just don't care about how i feel, its always about you and you don't allow me to get what i need to say off my chest. Well both of us were angry and sad and devastated it was our biggest fight ever, Ted got angry because I kept saying you just don't care about anyone but yourself, then he threw the back pack across the room and he flipped the futon and chair over, and came up at me like a bully would and said does that show you that i care, i was scared nervous and so sad that it had come to this. I went over to the neighbours and i cried and drank and cried some more, had dinner then went back home, and found him drunk on the couch. I put him to bed, and i sat and thought what am i going to do, but my emotions were starting to overwhelm me, and i couldn't get out from under it, i just kept getting worse and worse and worse, and so my therapist thought it might be a good idea if i went to see my family in Canada. So after i went home and told Ted i need to go home, there is nothing you can offer me right now that I need and my family can so I made a 3 week vacation to Canada.
So off i went. I was spent, i wasn't even sure how to communicate to my family properly i kept feeling that i was alone. And it made me so sad. But the vacation made me feel better by the end and ready to take back my role as wife. And hopefully back to work, and slowly things got better and the first week of September I was back at work, and I was moved to Medical Records, which was awesome I loved it there the people were nice and i got to do my own thing after i learnt what i needed to do! Things were going great until one day at the end of October when I had a flash back one night just before falling asleep, i didn't think of it much but all of a sudden the next day was blacker then before, just when i was feeling better and working, and feeling better about myself, i took a nose dive and it was bad, it was so bad that in the middle of November i went into the Psychiatric emergency hold building for a night, i wanted to kill myself, I wanted to be done with pain, i didn't want to fight with Ted about how i was feeling, and have him not understand, not have his support, but really i didn't want to go on, I was tired, my mind was not clear i just wanted to be free from all responsibility. Death was that for me. But I also realized that these thoughts were not good, so i called the cops on myself told them what i wanted to do, and they came over and got me.
So after all that and i got checked into this place where i was suppose to have someone to talk to, they led me into a room that had 4 beds, which had one male, two females, and a guard. I was terrified. There was a 2 men in the room and i was suppose to sleep, well i sat on my bed which was right by the window, being in the middle of November it was cold, and all of a sudden lights go out and i realize that they just dumped me in here, that was keeping me safe it was bullshit, so after about an hour of listening to the "employees" talking about each patient in a unprofessional fashion, i got up to pee, then told the employees that i was so uncomfortable with 2 men in the room and i was stressed out and anxious. She told me, that we are closely watched, and no one would get hurt, and i told them i want to go home. They wouldn't let me, they just told me to go lie down, and so i was waiting for them to bring my meds to me, but it never happened and i struggled with sleep at that time and i needed my sleeping pill they wouldn't give it to me because they weren't from "their" doctors, so i suffered, I was cold i was sleep deprived and terrified, I even heard the guard tell the staff that they should give me something "cause the poor girl is talking to herself and sitting up and lying down." but nothing, that was the longest night of my life. Finally after all that waiting they told me I was in too much therapy and that i needed to get out more, and that life is great!
After that I went home and pretended like nothing happened like it was one big joke, but i still have memories about that night. God it was awful. I told myself i should of just cut myself to end the pain, and it would of been less traumatic then that damn building.
But i was at home and vowed never to go back. But now after medication things started to level out again.
Then a big surprise for Thanksgiving I got a wonderful surprise, my parents came out to have thanksgiving with Ted, Tom, and myself. It was great and I got to spend my Birthday with them too which was awesome. It was a great surprise I loved every moment of it.
and i was getting ready for my first Christmas with Ted's Mom and Ted's Daughter Kirsten. So that came up and i was trying to not stress out too much, but it turned out to be a great vacation, a few bumps here and there, but other than that great. I enjoyed myself, and met some amazing family members that I am now connected to. That was my greatest Christmas gift.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
January 23, 2008
This day still haunts me today, it brings a sadness and hatred into my life that i don't know what to do with most of the time, hopefully sharing it will allow me some healing. It was like any other day, i had to work, but Ted had an appointment for the results of the mylogram, so i was thinking it was going to be a good day, but as i was preparing to leave for a couple hours at work, i was in the walk in freezer looking for ice cream when all of a sudden the door closes, the lights go out and i am in the dark, at first i look around then i see the glow in the dark handle in which i am suppose to be able to get out, but i couldn't the door was being held shut, i panicked and flashed back to the day i was raped. I had a panic attack i was lost and confused, then my co worker opened the door, and laughed at me, but i was afraid, so very afraid, and panicked.
Everything from then on was a blur, i don't remember much of the day, after that, i don't even much of the appointment that Ted had. I was there physically but that's about it. I was numb i was on auto pilot. I just did my job till it was done, then went home, not sure how i got home exactly but thank god safely. Then as i started to relax a little then my world fell apart, Ted kept pushing to what happened, and then i started to talk about it, and just fell apart, i cried, and shook and became terrified of everything. All of a sudden my world became small, and evil. I was afraid of my bathroom, i was afraid of falling a sleep i was afraid of everything. Nightmares plagued me if i did fall asleep i cried all the time, i hated life.
The next day Ted had thought it a good idea to go and talk to my supervisor. I didn't want to go, i was too afraid, i didn't want to see the guy that did this to me i didn't want to be back at the hospital. But he thought it was the best, so off we went, if i had eaten anything i would of probably thrown it up. We got into the hospital and all i wanted to do is run, far far away, i became stiff and terrified. We made it to Art's office, and i find the corner in which no one could see me if they came into the storage room. Ted did most of the talking, and i just tried not to cry, but i failed. Art didn't seem to understand why this was affecting me like it was, and i wasn't about to tell him, but all i wanted was to go home and be safe. Well once we got out of there and headed back to the car on of my co workers hugged me, and off to the house, i called my therapist, and made an appointment with her and just went home to be with Ted. Nothing was getting better, the fear got worse and worse by the hour, my inability to function went away, i didn't eat unless ted told me i had to and watched me eat. I kept having flash backs so terrifying i was going completely crazy, i was losing my mind, my sanity and everything else. I wasn't sure that i was going to survive this and that i would probably end up in the nut house.
The next day I struggled to get out of bed, i was exhausted from all the nightmares the anxiety, and the flash backs, but i got up and made my appointment with my therapist. She had told me that i was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and severe depression and that i needed to see a doctor immediately to get some medication so that I wouldn't get worse, so i tried to get a hold of my general doctor, but that took too long, then i called Mad River occupational health and they tried to set up an appointment for the next week, and i told them I'm sorry but i can't wait till next week I'm bad and I'm suffering i need in today. So from the goodness of their hearts they got me in over their lunch hour, and i had to fill all the workers comp forms and all that crap while trying not to fall apart, that was too late. So they sent me home with Paxil (an anti depressant) and Xanax (an anti anxiety) and went home filled the prescription and for the first time i slept. My anxiety finally felt like it was going away if only for a little while! It took months before i was able to sleep without some kind of night light, i still have nightmares to this day, and the sadness never leaves.
Trying to deal with Ted's back injury and my complete lack of confidence in myself i was a mess, i didn't know how to be in a relationship, i didn't know how to function anymore, it was like i was a child lost in a grown up world. Who was going to take me serious, who was going to take care of me, how was life going to go on, i started cutting again. I was mad at me, and Ted was frustrated with me, because i had made a promise to him that i wouldn't cut myself ever again, i hated myself. I wasn't sure if Ted actually wanted to be with ME because i didn't want to be me. I actually believed that Ted would leave me if i didn't get better so i worked so hard, i ran on the treadmill every day i took my meds i kept the house neat, i went to therapy i went to my doctors appointments, i went to his appointments, i took care of his needs and yet the loathing i had for myself grew stronger and stronger every day and one day i just didn't give a shit. I stopped running, i stopped journaling, i still went to therapy and doctors cause I had to but i hate the world. Ted and i got into huge fights and i felt worse and worse and worse. Then more bad news from Ted's neurosurgeon, saying that Ted will not get better but will not get worse! It was more than my poor brain heart and emotions could have, that was the huge blow out in our relationship and decided to go to Canada for 3 weeks to get my head on right, the trip was alright, but i was exhausted and so confused. I was so lonely and heart broken.
So not only does my husband have a problem i had one two, two people in that amount of pain is never has a good outcome.
Everything from then on was a blur, i don't remember much of the day, after that, i don't even much of the appointment that Ted had. I was there physically but that's about it. I was numb i was on auto pilot. I just did my job till it was done, then went home, not sure how i got home exactly but thank god safely. Then as i started to relax a little then my world fell apart, Ted kept pushing to what happened, and then i started to talk about it, and just fell apart, i cried, and shook and became terrified of everything. All of a sudden my world became small, and evil. I was afraid of my bathroom, i was afraid of falling a sleep i was afraid of everything. Nightmares plagued me if i did fall asleep i cried all the time, i hated life.
The next day Ted had thought it a good idea to go and talk to my supervisor. I didn't want to go, i was too afraid, i didn't want to see the guy that did this to me i didn't want to be back at the hospital. But he thought it was the best, so off we went, if i had eaten anything i would of probably thrown it up. We got into the hospital and all i wanted to do is run, far far away, i became stiff and terrified. We made it to Art's office, and i find the corner in which no one could see me if they came into the storage room. Ted did most of the talking, and i just tried not to cry, but i failed. Art didn't seem to understand why this was affecting me like it was, and i wasn't about to tell him, but all i wanted was to go home and be safe. Well once we got out of there and headed back to the car on of my co workers hugged me, and off to the house, i called my therapist, and made an appointment with her and just went home to be with Ted. Nothing was getting better, the fear got worse and worse by the hour, my inability to function went away, i didn't eat unless ted told me i had to and watched me eat. I kept having flash backs so terrifying i was going completely crazy, i was losing my mind, my sanity and everything else. I wasn't sure that i was going to survive this and that i would probably end up in the nut house.
The next day I struggled to get out of bed, i was exhausted from all the nightmares the anxiety, and the flash backs, but i got up and made my appointment with my therapist. She had told me that i was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and severe depression and that i needed to see a doctor immediately to get some medication so that I wouldn't get worse, so i tried to get a hold of my general doctor, but that took too long, then i called Mad River occupational health and they tried to set up an appointment for the next week, and i told them I'm sorry but i can't wait till next week I'm bad and I'm suffering i need in today. So from the goodness of their hearts they got me in over their lunch hour, and i had to fill all the workers comp forms and all that crap while trying not to fall apart, that was too late. So they sent me home with Paxil (an anti depressant) and Xanax (an anti anxiety) and went home filled the prescription and for the first time i slept. My anxiety finally felt like it was going away if only for a little while! It took months before i was able to sleep without some kind of night light, i still have nightmares to this day, and the sadness never leaves.
Trying to deal with Ted's back injury and my complete lack of confidence in myself i was a mess, i didn't know how to be in a relationship, i didn't know how to function anymore, it was like i was a child lost in a grown up world. Who was going to take me serious, who was going to take care of me, how was life going to go on, i started cutting again. I was mad at me, and Ted was frustrated with me, because i had made a promise to him that i wouldn't cut myself ever again, i hated myself. I wasn't sure if Ted actually wanted to be with ME because i didn't want to be me. I actually believed that Ted would leave me if i didn't get better so i worked so hard, i ran on the treadmill every day i took my meds i kept the house neat, i went to therapy i went to my doctors appointments, i went to his appointments, i took care of his needs and yet the loathing i had for myself grew stronger and stronger every day and one day i just didn't give a shit. I stopped running, i stopped journaling, i still went to therapy and doctors cause I had to but i hate the world. Ted and i got into huge fights and i felt worse and worse and worse. Then more bad news from Ted's neurosurgeon, saying that Ted will not get better but will not get worse! It was more than my poor brain heart and emotions could have, that was the huge blow out in our relationship and decided to go to Canada for 3 weeks to get my head on right, the trip was alright, but i was exhausted and so confused. I was so lonely and heart broken.
So not only does my husband have a problem i had one two, two people in that amount of pain is never has a good outcome.
Ted's Mylogram
It was a day of nerves we were both nervous about the procedure, we didn't know what to expect and were thinking that this was going to be the day that we would finally know what the hell was going on with Ted's back, so it was fear, some home, and a lot of nervousness, so i bring Ted to St. Joe's hospital and its going to be about 3 hours, so i go to Mad River to pick up my pay check, chat with one of my co workers, then back to Eureka, deposit my check and get back to the hospital before ted got out of his procedure. I got back and i waited impatiently. Finally someone called me back to a room where ted was, and they wanted him to pee, and he was having such a hard time, he was feeling unwell and just struggled to go to the bathroom, then i was asked to leave again, so they could finish up, and then i pulled the car around and waited for ted to be brought out in a wheel chair, we had specific instructions for when we got home, but he wasn't feeling bad. So we just got home and relaxed, but ted could not sit still so he did some stuff and the headache started that very evening. The I was awakened by Ted throwing up in the middle of the night, i asked if there was anything i could do for him and he said no, so throughout out the early morning i heard ted throw up time and time and time again. He was still having trouble going pee that it would make his headache worse and make him throw up, i begged him for 2 days to go to the hospital he said no just wait a little longer so i suffered through trying not to cry every time he went to the bathroom, to either pee or to throw up the meal i just gave him. I didn't know what was happening and no one told me this would happen i was alone, i was scared and no where to go. I started to wonder if we were going to make it through all this. Finally after 3 days, the day we opened presents with my family, he was laying sick on the couch, while we opened mail. God he was so sick it was so painful for him to open the presents. Then he slept through most of the rest, while i sat with dread knowing that after this we would be back at the hospital, merry freakin Christmas Tiffany. After all the wishing in the world, i couldn't get my family to visually appear. so i signed off the Internet and said my goodbyes to my family, and once again had to take charge, i called Ted's dad, but he said he couldn't leave work, so again i was alone and afraid.
So after i finished up with my family, ted tried to pee once more and ended up the same way, for 30 minutes on the floor feeling like he was dying. So i had to pull him off the floor and take him to hospital, i ran into the ER leaving ted in the car and asked for the nurses to help, they pulled him right into the hospital and i finished with all the paper work, shortly there after they let me in, and again i am in the ER trying to be brave for ted, and they put a catheter in, and gave him an injection so the he would stop throwing up. So after about an hour i took him home, and he slept and i went and got new medication and some groceries. I was exhausted, wishing i had someone to take care of this stuff for me, or just help me. But there was no one i was alone, scare alone, wondering if my husband was actually going to get through this OK. Finally the right meds started to work, he could pee lying down so he didn't have to get back up, so slowly he started to heal from the painful side effects. But i wasn't healing, i didn't have time, it was one thing after another, i couldn't breathe, i couldn't figure which was up and which was down, i felt so lost. Nothing was making any sense plus i was getting problems from the hospital and the people i was working with, i was finding myself the but of someones joke, someone had put grease on my car, i was not happy, i made a police report, and i was trying my best to continue learning my new position as both diet aide and supervisor, and ted and his back i couldn't tell my ass from the ground. Then as we were both trying to recover from his Mylogram, my worst nightmare happened and changed my life once again, for the worse.
So after i finished up with my family, ted tried to pee once more and ended up the same way, for 30 minutes on the floor feeling like he was dying. So i had to pull him off the floor and take him to hospital, i ran into the ER leaving ted in the car and asked for the nurses to help, they pulled him right into the hospital and i finished with all the paper work, shortly there after they let me in, and again i am in the ER trying to be brave for ted, and they put a catheter in, and gave him an injection so the he would stop throwing up. So after about an hour i took him home, and he slept and i went and got new medication and some groceries. I was exhausted, wishing i had someone to take care of this stuff for me, or just help me. But there was no one i was alone, scare alone, wondering if my husband was actually going to get through this OK. Finally the right meds started to work, he could pee lying down so he didn't have to get back up, so slowly he started to heal from the painful side effects. But i wasn't healing, i didn't have time, it was one thing after another, i couldn't breathe, i couldn't figure which was up and which was down, i felt so lost. Nothing was making any sense plus i was getting problems from the hospital and the people i was working with, i was finding myself the but of someones joke, someone had put grease on my car, i was not happy, i made a police report, and i was trying my best to continue learning my new position as both diet aide and supervisor, and ted and his back i couldn't tell my ass from the ground. Then as we were both trying to recover from his Mylogram, my worst nightmare happened and changed my life once again, for the worse.
December 2, 2007
This day is still so fresh in my head, and a sense of terror fills my stomach every time that i think about it. It was pretty much like any other day, Ted wasn't feeling well and i was getting ready for work, nothing seemed out of the ordinary, i kissed Ted good bye and left for work, i was driving to work, getting ready for another day at work, I had just been promoted supervisor and been trained to be a Diet Aide and I was excited about going to work. Things were good, well all except for ted not a 100%, well it was 11 am and my name is called over the loud speaker saying i had a phone call. so i picked up the phone and Ted was on the other line as soon as i heard his voice i knew something was very very wrong. He had a hard time talking and all I asked was do I need to come home? He said yes. That scared the shit out of me, Ted has always said that he could take care of himself and made things seem less serious then they were. The minute he told me he needed me at home, i knew it was bad. The weather that day was crap, the wind was blowing, there was debris all over the road and i was sobbing and scared, and was trying to drive safely and as close to the speed limit as i could. i didn't know what was going to be waiting for me when i got home, I had called Tom before i left the Hospital and he was on his way over to the house, so i thought that he would call the ambulance and all that stuff. Well i finally got home and my baby was sitting on the couch, bent over, sobbing, snot hanging off his nose, in so much pain, I was terrified, and there was my father in law just standing over ted. I think he was frozen in fear, which at the time didn't help me one bit. So i go over to my hubby and i took one look at him and said he needs a doctor, so i called 911 and got an ambulance. The came, and everytime they moved him Ted cried out in pain, I thought I was going to throw up, I didn't know what to do, i didn't know how to make him better i didn't know how to take care of him. So off to the hospital which Tom and I went behind the ambulance. They took him to the hospital, and i was scared, i went back to be with him and Ted looked so frail, i looked at the man who vowed to protect me always and I knew at that moment I had no one to protect me, I was on my own, I was terrified, I didn't know what to do. Then i got my period, i was in so much pain, the cramps were hellish, and with the stress i was in so much pain. but of course i was not prepared for my period so i had to go home, well i go home and realize that i have left my house keys at the hospital and i thought oh god i have to go back, then I remembered that my dear step daughter had climbed through the kitchen window one day when we had accidentally locked her out of the house, so i prayed that the window was unlocked, and it was thank god. So i broke into my own home, ass over tea kettle. Then rushed back to the hospital, Ted was getting x rays and ct scans, so we waited. Once Ted got back from his tests, we waited for the results but Ted finally got some relief with pain medication.
So once the doctor came in he told us that nothing showed up on the tests that they did, i was heart broken, i couldn't believe that with that amount of pain, they couldn't find a damn thing. But ted started to feel better and that was all that mattered. So I took him home, and asked Tom to stay with him while i was gone, but just before i left Ted started throwing up violently. I was scared, ted had never been so sick before, everything was so new and scary. But i quickly went out and filled his prescriptions for new pain meds and a steroid to see if the inflammation would go down. Ted spend the next 2 hours throwing up, then after he had kinda calmed down a little he went to sleep, and slept for a while. I had time to myself and i was wishing i hadn't i didn't know how to process everything i was in fear, everything went through my mind, what if having sex made this happen, what if us doing things going out to movies, walking around the mall, driving, ect, ect, ect. I became afraid to do anything i would try and make it sound like i didn't want to do anything, i worked a lot of hours, so that i wasn't going to be responsible for his pain in anyway. After all that ted was suppose to go to work the next day and I fought with him not to go to work, i wanted him to take care of himself so at the cost of how he felt i pissed him off enough to get him to make the phone call to say he wasn't going into work and he was going to call his doctor and get a NO WORK slip. I knew it was the best thing for him, and i knew that he could maybe heal. So it was a stressful month and Christmas was coming around and I was working like a mad dog. Ted and I had decided that things just weren't going to well and we decided that Christmas just wasn't going to happen for us, so we weren't going to do anything, which was very sad, but i was working anyway. Ted had a mylogram CT scan scheduled for December 26th to see if anything could be diagnose so we were waiting for that. That became the most scary ordeal i have ever experienced in my life time.
So once the doctor came in he told us that nothing showed up on the tests that they did, i was heart broken, i couldn't believe that with that amount of pain, they couldn't find a damn thing. But ted started to feel better and that was all that mattered. So I took him home, and asked Tom to stay with him while i was gone, but just before i left Ted started throwing up violently. I was scared, ted had never been so sick before, everything was so new and scary. But i quickly went out and filled his prescriptions for new pain meds and a steroid to see if the inflammation would go down. Ted spend the next 2 hours throwing up, then after he had kinda calmed down a little he went to sleep, and slept for a while. I had time to myself and i was wishing i hadn't i didn't know how to process everything i was in fear, everything went through my mind, what if having sex made this happen, what if us doing things going out to movies, walking around the mall, driving, ect, ect, ect. I became afraid to do anything i would try and make it sound like i didn't want to do anything, i worked a lot of hours, so that i wasn't going to be responsible for his pain in anyway. After all that ted was suppose to go to work the next day and I fought with him not to go to work, i wanted him to take care of himself so at the cost of how he felt i pissed him off enough to get him to make the phone call to say he wasn't going into work and he was going to call his doctor and get a NO WORK slip. I knew it was the best thing for him, and i knew that he could maybe heal. So it was a stressful month and Christmas was coming around and I was working like a mad dog. Ted and I had decided that things just weren't going to well and we decided that Christmas just wasn't going to happen for us, so we weren't going to do anything, which was very sad, but i was working anyway. Ted had a mylogram CT scan scheduled for December 26th to see if anything could be diagnose so we were waiting for that. That became the most scary ordeal i have ever experienced in my life time.
The day my life changed
I'm not sure why i am writing this but i don't know what else to do to save my sanity and maybe i won't feel so alone. I will warm you that there is some stuff in here that is brutally honest but i need to do this, so that's for reading....
September 13th, 2007
That day will haunt me for the rest of my life, I had a bad bad feeling the morning i woke up wasn't sure what it was but i knew something was wrong, but i had to get ready for work so i tried not to worry about it too much. Then i got a call from Ted, and he had told me he had hurt his back, my heart stopped my stomach dropped and i was in complete and utter fear. He tried to make it sound like it was nothing but i tried so badly to allow me to come pick him up and take him to the hospital. But he said no and that he would try to get through it. I felt sick. I got to work talked to my supervisor and asked them if i could keep my phone on me because i was sure that i was going to have to pick Ted up from work or he was going to show up in an ambulance. I was trying to get through my routine at work, and i was struggling, i was just waiting for the shoe to drop, and to my horror i had missed Ted's phone call saying that he was on his way to the hospital, and he was driving himself there! So i panic i am so scared i don't know what to do, i'm so scare i don't know how bad it is, and Ted has a tendacy to do this that he probably shouldn't and tell me that he's better off than he really is. I meet him in the ER and his face is white he can barely walk i can see how bad he's in pain, I have never seen him like this before, i am terrified, what am i going to do, how am i going to take care of him, oh god i don't know what to do. So we spend a couple hours in the ER waiting to be seen, and the doctor there says that its a strain or a torn muscle and it should heal in a couple weeks, and says that we need to make an appointment with the occupational health doctor in a week. So we go home, and i realize that we are late in picking Kirsten up from school, so i can't get Ted home and comfortable so we get Kirsten, and another worry comes in my mind how am i going to take care of 2 peoples needs and work full time, I am sick to my stomach, i feel alone but I'm suppose to be the strength of the family and I don't know how to do that, I wonder if i even have the capablilities to make it all work!
And everyday after his injury i find myself, realizing that things have to change. No more goofing around, or wrestling like we use to because it makes him flare up, sex is hard because it causes him so much pain, in which i feel an incredible amount of guilt over. I am stressed out I am falling apart my relationship with Kirsten fell apart because i didn't know what to do, i was feeling overwhelmed and cranky and not sure how to deal with her at times, i wanted the best for her but i wasn't sure what that was, and the conflict in within myself and in my life was blowing up in my face.
But i felt there was still hope, but everyday when Ted would continue to tell me that he still wasn't feeling better and he wasn't getting any better inspite of the medication he was on, i felt something in my gut that scared the hell out of me, what if there is something more, what if this wasn't temparary, what if this would be longer then expected.
After 10 days after the injury everyone wanted him to go back to work, so we started on light and restricted duties back at his job. which was outside in the cold, (not good for a messed up back) and Ted would come home everyday in more and more pain, and he would tell me that he had to double even triple his medication intake just to get through the day. I was angry, and scared that one Ted would allow this to go on, and not say i just can't work right now, and Two, that these doctores no matter how many times we told them that he was in pain and not getting any better just didn't listen and didn't do anything else and Ted was suffering and I was suffering and the relationship with Kirsten was suffering. It was bad. Then Kirsen announced that she was leaving us and going to New York to be with her boyfriend and his family. I was crushed and hurt, my ego was bruised and i shut down towards her, she had hurt me so deeply and i allowed myself to just give up on the relationship with her because it felt like she didn't want one anyway i was SO sad, and my heart was broken. So as the time moved on, the more exhausted and the less time i have to relax and unwind. October 30th came and it was time for Kirsten to move on with her life i was so upset and saddened i didn't go to the airport with her because i had to go to work really early and so Ted took her, and when he got home he was SO sad, and it broke my heart and made me so angry all at the time time, I wanted Kirsten to know how much this hurt Ted and that i didn't know what to do.
November came around and Ted and I was trying to deal with his pain levels, and his feelings of being less of a man because he couldn't do what he wanted to what he wanted. We were kinda getting into a place of calmness and thought maybe things would stop rushing in and maybe it would calm down enough so we could finally take a breath and try to deal with what was on our plate. Then Ted had an appointment with a neruologist and his neurologist thought he might have a pinched or buldging disk. I was scared the doctor had told him that he should probably not work until more tests could be done, but Ted thought he would be okay, so he continued to work. Then December 2, 2007 happened and EVERYTHING changed.
September 13th, 2007
That day will haunt me for the rest of my life, I had a bad bad feeling the morning i woke up wasn't sure what it was but i knew something was wrong, but i had to get ready for work so i tried not to worry about it too much. Then i got a call from Ted, and he had told me he had hurt his back, my heart stopped my stomach dropped and i was in complete and utter fear. He tried to make it sound like it was nothing but i tried so badly to allow me to come pick him up and take him to the hospital. But he said no and that he would try to get through it. I felt sick. I got to work talked to my supervisor and asked them if i could keep my phone on me because i was sure that i was going to have to pick Ted up from work or he was going to show up in an ambulance. I was trying to get through my routine at work, and i was struggling, i was just waiting for the shoe to drop, and to my horror i had missed Ted's phone call saying that he was on his way to the hospital, and he was driving himself there! So i panic i am so scared i don't know what to do, i'm so scare i don't know how bad it is, and Ted has a tendacy to do this that he probably shouldn't and tell me that he's better off than he really is. I meet him in the ER and his face is white he can barely walk i can see how bad he's in pain, I have never seen him like this before, i am terrified, what am i going to do, how am i going to take care of him, oh god i don't know what to do. So we spend a couple hours in the ER waiting to be seen, and the doctor there says that its a strain or a torn muscle and it should heal in a couple weeks, and says that we need to make an appointment with the occupational health doctor in a week. So we go home, and i realize that we are late in picking Kirsten up from school, so i can't get Ted home and comfortable so we get Kirsten, and another worry comes in my mind how am i going to take care of 2 peoples needs and work full time, I am sick to my stomach, i feel alone but I'm suppose to be the strength of the family and I don't know how to do that, I wonder if i even have the capablilities to make it all work!
And everyday after his injury i find myself, realizing that things have to change. No more goofing around, or wrestling like we use to because it makes him flare up, sex is hard because it causes him so much pain, in which i feel an incredible amount of guilt over. I am stressed out I am falling apart my relationship with Kirsten fell apart because i didn't know what to do, i was feeling overwhelmed and cranky and not sure how to deal with her at times, i wanted the best for her but i wasn't sure what that was, and the conflict in within myself and in my life was blowing up in my face.
But i felt there was still hope, but everyday when Ted would continue to tell me that he still wasn't feeling better and he wasn't getting any better inspite of the medication he was on, i felt something in my gut that scared the hell out of me, what if there is something more, what if this wasn't temparary, what if this would be longer then expected.
After 10 days after the injury everyone wanted him to go back to work, so we started on light and restricted duties back at his job. which was outside in the cold, (not good for a messed up back) and Ted would come home everyday in more and more pain, and he would tell me that he had to double even triple his medication intake just to get through the day. I was angry, and scared that one Ted would allow this to go on, and not say i just can't work right now, and Two, that these doctores no matter how many times we told them that he was in pain and not getting any better just didn't listen and didn't do anything else and Ted was suffering and I was suffering and the relationship with Kirsten was suffering. It was bad. Then Kirsen announced that she was leaving us and going to New York to be with her boyfriend and his family. I was crushed and hurt, my ego was bruised and i shut down towards her, she had hurt me so deeply and i allowed myself to just give up on the relationship with her because it felt like she didn't want one anyway i was SO sad, and my heart was broken. So as the time moved on, the more exhausted and the less time i have to relax and unwind. October 30th came and it was time for Kirsten to move on with her life i was so upset and saddened i didn't go to the airport with her because i had to go to work really early and so Ted took her, and when he got home he was SO sad, and it broke my heart and made me so angry all at the time time, I wanted Kirsten to know how much this hurt Ted and that i didn't know what to do.
November came around and Ted and I was trying to deal with his pain levels, and his feelings of being less of a man because he couldn't do what he wanted to what he wanted. We were kinda getting into a place of calmness and thought maybe things would stop rushing in and maybe it would calm down enough so we could finally take a breath and try to deal with what was on our plate. Then Ted had an appointment with a neruologist and his neurologist thought he might have a pinched or buldging disk. I was scared the doctor had told him that he should probably not work until more tests could be done, but Ted thought he would be okay, so he continued to work. Then December 2, 2007 happened and EVERYTHING changed.
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