2009 January - March

The year had a not so good beginning, we came home from the vacation, feeling good, it was seeming like a new medication Ted was taking was making him feel a little better. Then we opened out mail and found out that Ted was no longer getting checks from workers comp all of a sudden we were out of the biggest source of income we had, it was not looking good for us.







But it began a busy busy month for us, Ted had a pain clinic management appointment so that meant another trip to San Francisco, which wasn't all bad, we went to the Fisherman's Wharf, and we enjoyed ourselves, San Francisco has so many good and amazing memories there that i love going back. After that trip was over and done with the next huge task on my plate was my Immigration. My Temporary Visa was coming around to its expiration date and I needed to get that taken care of which is a HUGE undertaking, they want to know everything about you over the last 3 years, it took me about 3 weeks to actually get that all done, the stress was incredible because if i didn't do it right i would lose close to $600 and have to redo it and resubmit all the paper work along with another fee for $545. So i made sure that i was combing through it with a fine tooth comb. I was so relieved when it was finally done and there was no more i could do. We also found out that Ted had gotten an increase on his Military disability rating so we got a chunk of money which we paid off credit cards, debits and had enough to tell my friend Errin, that we were going to meet Her and Ryan in Las Vegas in April. It was feeling so good, we were feeling very good. Then we got a letter in the Mail requesting a meeting with Ted's work. And at that meeting pretty much without saying out right they were letting us know that Ted was going to lose his job. And not 5 days later we received a dismissal letter in the mail, Ted lost his medical benefits along with that! He was upset and frustrated, which i can't blame him for that at all, and again I tried to be positive and try to help him through all that, but inside i was dying what was going to happen now, I have my medical benefits but it was much easier to have two for him, what were we going to do, how were we going to get through this. This is not the way I wanted the year to start, we had no money coming in for ted and that worried me, and so he's now of State disability insurance. We make it, but its not easy!!!!





But Ted looked into some careers and looked into School and kept on plugging in on the whole thing he did what he had to do with it, I myself internalized it, and created fights so that there was distance between Ted and myself so that I didn't have to get to seriously into things because i was a mess and didn't want to talk, well with everything that was going on that was a bad decision for me in the long thing, between the stress of Ted's injury, his doctors appointments that has us going to San Francisco, and my immigrations stuff, and my own demons, i was completely exhausted and emotionally damaged. And then in February I wasn't feeling myself so I finally got the guts up to see my doctor. That was not very fun, she thought I might be in premature menopause because i had put on weight withing a year, I've been having hot flashes, and i just felt off. Well we got tests done that day and she also scheduled a pap smear for a couple weeks later because I had neglected it for 2 years and with my history that was a worry, so I worried for 2 weeks about whether or not I was going to have the ability to have kids taken away from me at age 27, i was freaked out and scared, and I worried. I tried talking to Ted and he said "can you do anything about it by worrying about it? If you can't then why worry?" well that hurt and i felt so alone, he didn't understand what this might mean for me, and i am a worrier always have been, always will be. I told my family but they couldn't come over and have pity parties with me, I was on my own and i was sad. So the next few weeks were rough. Then I got to my next appointment and no premature menopause, and everything looked alright. So the pap smear was done, and a couple weeks later i was completely cleared no abnormal cells on my cervix. So that was stressful and gave me some relief but next up was Ted's back injections. Now every time there has been a procedure everything had gone wrong, and for me, its a lot to handle when you become the one and only that he relies on when it goes wrong. I was weakening but i didn't want to show it so i did my best to put a brave face for him.









His appointment was in San Francisco on March 6th, and we got there and were able to eat lunch get travel pay and kinda relax from the drive down from Eureka. Then it was time, we went to his appointment and i was trying to keep it light and fun, and making him laugh and everything else. Then they called his name and brought him back and the worry started to set in, we hadn't been through this before, we didn't know what to expect and the unknown is not a good place to be. So they brought me back and Ted was so nervous that he was shaking the gurney he was lying in, to see him in hospital clothing made my stomach turn. I didn't know what to expect but some of the people involved in the procedure came and talked to us, then Dr. Khan his pain specialist came in and chatted with us and then we were left to our own devices. We chatted a little there was more hand holding and just a silence between us because we had nothing we could say to each other to make the nervousness go away. Then they finally came to get him for the procedure. And i needed to get rid of most of the stuff I was carrying, so once they took him back, I told him I loved him and i would see him soon, so i was running back to put stuff we bought into the car and rush back to the waiting room, i was in the waiting room doing my school work for about half an hour. Then I see them bring him back and it looks like hes okay but they told me it would be another 15 minutes before i could see him. Then a nurse came and got me.









And the minute i saw him I felt sick he was hunched over and when i saw him in pain, i knew this wasn't good, i was so scared something went horribly wrong, what was I going to do, I have no one that can be with me, and take care of him, I am alone and already stressed out to the max.









But amazingly I went completely numb and into overdrive and took control of the situation, and of course one of the things i forgot to do was bring Ted's medication, stupid me. But they were trying to get him an order from the doctor but ran into trouble so i was forced to leave him all curled up in pain, I hated myself for forgetting his meds, He could of been having relief if i hadn't forgotten them. So i ran back to the car to get they medication. and he was dressed and still in pain, he took his meds and put his ENMS machine and he started to feel some relief. Now they didn't want him walking up the "hill" so since our car was parked in a parking lot on a hill i had to get the car and drive around, and I have never driven in San Francsico or the VA parking lot so i was nervous i wasn't going to get where i needed to and would of gotten lost. But finally I got him in the car and we were on our way, ted was still in Pain and still uncomfortable and I was nervous as hell because San Francisco drivers scare the hell out of me!!









But it went well and we finally got to the hotel i tried to be okay but Ted was in so much discomfort i felt so bad and sad that this wasn't something that would fix him right up. And that he had to go through so much pain just to "wait and see" if this would work and the doctor told him that for his back it wouldn't work, which is frustrating news when the damage was already done. The doctor that did the injections had told Ted that he had never experienced someones back so knotted up in spams that when the doctor tried to push the needle in to do the injection that Ted's muscles popped and cracked because his back was spasming so badly. At that time i felt hopeless, if the doctors who were suppose to be apart of his healing or pain management where saying that this procedure that would cause him pain would probably not work, then what good was any of it. This is what it would be for the rest of our lives, I hated that doctor. So Ted was out of commission and i was filling my time with school work, and my anti anxiety medication just trying to keep calm just in case I needed to drive back to San Francisco to get him back to the Emergency Room. I didn't sleep well that night. It sucked, the next morning wasn't any better, he was uncomfortable and in pain and really didn't feel all that hot, so i drove home, I was exhausted from emotions and feelings of was this going to fuck him up or will the medication just go away and not do shit for him. And it seems that its the one where it just doesn't do shit for him. Except lingering leg pain. So things got somewhat better after about a week or so. I tried to gt through it, hoping everything would just kinda pass over but it didn't then i got a surprising letter in the mail....


My health benefits had been terminated and now i had not health benefits. Because of a technicality that they are only required to hold onto my payments for 3 months after that they didn't have to but it was over a year and they had just found the problem, and took very little time that to eliminate my benefits. I was frustrated and confused. I just wanted everything to be okay, no more drama, just let everything be okay. But i felt myself falling deeper and deeper into chaos, and i was beginning to become exhausted emotionally.





Then came my re evaluation for my workers comp claim, and so that's another stress I'm been dreading. And i couldn't of even imagined how badly it would go, we arrived in Ukiah, CA, at about 11 am on the 26th of March, and we got settled into our hotel room, it was beautiful i had reserved a room with a jacuzzi in it. Hoping that at the end of the day i would be able to relax my stresses away. Well I went to the appointment and all of a sudden its a Permanent and stationary review which means they are determining the percentage of my disability for the rest of my life. Which isn't a fair thing to do because they haven't gotten any information from my therapist and doctors. So now there is a big fight about all that and we are trying to get things straitened out so we can finish this and just have the right things done at the right time.

But we got through it and we went back home and then it was a day by day wait until we go to Las Vegas the only thing that i have really looked forward to in a long time. So everyday something was done so we could make an early departure on Wednesday April 1st.