The day my life changed

I'm not sure why i am writing this but i don't know what else to do to save my sanity and maybe i won't feel so alone. I will warm you that there is some stuff in here that is brutally honest but i need to do this, so that's for reading....


September 13th, 2007

That day will haunt me for the rest of my life, I had a bad bad feeling the morning i woke up wasn't sure what it was but i knew something was wrong, but i had to get ready for work so i tried not to worry about it too much. Then i got a call from Ted, and he had told me he had hurt his back, my heart stopped my stomach dropped and i was in complete and utter fear. He tried to make it sound like it was nothing but i tried so badly to allow me to come pick him up and take him to the hospital. But he said no and that he would try to get through it. I felt sick. I got to work talked to my supervisor and asked them if i could keep my phone on me because i was sure that i was going to have to pick Ted up from work or he was going to show up in an ambulance. I was trying to get through my routine at work, and i was struggling, i was just waiting for the shoe to drop, and to my horror i had missed Ted's phone call saying that he was on his way to the hospital, and he was driving himself there! So i panic i am so scared i don't know what to do, i'm so scare i don't know how bad it is, and Ted has a tendacy to do this that he probably shouldn't and tell me that he's better off than he really is. I meet him in the ER and his face is white he can barely walk i can see how bad he's in pain, I have never seen him like this before, i am terrified, what am i going to do, how am i going to take care of him, oh god i don't know what to do. So we spend a couple hours in the ER waiting to be seen, and the doctor there says that its a strain or a torn muscle and it should heal in a couple weeks, and says that we need to make an appointment with the occupational health doctor in a week. So we go home, and i realize that we are late in picking Kirsten up from school, so i can't get Ted home and comfortable so we get Kirsten, and another worry comes in my mind how am i going to take care of 2 peoples needs and work full time, I am sick to my stomach, i feel alone but I'm suppose to be the strength of the family and I don't know how to do that, I wonder if i even have the capablilities to make it all work!

And everyday after his injury i find myself, realizing that things have to change. No more goofing around, or wrestling like we use to because it makes him flare up, sex is hard because it causes him so much pain, in which i feel an incredible amount of guilt over. I am stressed out I am falling apart my relationship with Kirsten fell apart because i didn't know what to do, i was feeling overwhelmed and cranky and not sure how to deal with her at times, i wanted the best for her but i wasn't sure what that was, and the conflict in within myself and in my life was blowing up in my face.

But i felt there was still hope, but everyday when Ted would continue to tell me that he still wasn't feeling better and he wasn't getting any better inspite of the medication he was on, i felt something in my gut that scared the hell out of me, what if there is something more, what if this wasn't temparary, what if this would be longer then expected.

After 10 days after the injury everyone wanted him to go back to work, so we started on light and restricted duties back at his job. which was outside in the cold, (not good for a messed up back) and Ted would come home everyday in more and more pain, and he would tell me that he had to double even triple his medication intake just to get through the day. I was angry, and scared that one Ted would allow this to go on, and not say i just can't work right now, and Two, that these doctores no matter how many times we told them that he was in pain and not getting any better just didn't listen and didn't do anything else and Ted was suffering and I was suffering and the relationship with Kirsten was suffering. It was bad. Then Kirsen announced that she was leaving us and going to New York to be with her boyfriend and his family. I was crushed and hurt, my ego was bruised and i shut down towards her, she had hurt me so deeply and i allowed myself to just give up on the relationship with her because it felt like she didn't want one anyway i was SO sad, and my heart was broken. So as the time moved on, the more exhausted and the less time i have to relax and unwind. October 30th came and it was time for Kirsten to move on with her life i was so upset and saddened i didn't go to the airport with her because i had to go to work really early and so Ted took her, and when he got home he was SO sad, and it broke my heart and made me so angry all at the time time, I wanted Kirsten to know how much this hurt Ted and that i didn't know what to do.

November came around and Ted and I was trying to deal with his pain levels, and his feelings of being less of a man because he couldn't do what he wanted to what he wanted. We were kinda getting into a place of calmness and thought maybe things would stop rushing in and maybe it would calm down enough so we could finally take a breath and try to deal with what was on our plate. Then Ted had an appointment with a neruologist and his neurologist thought he might have a pinched or buldging disk. I was scared the doctor had told him that he should probably not work until more tests could be done, but Ted thought he would be okay, so he continued to work. Then December 2, 2007 happened and EVERYTHING changed.