January 23, 2008

This day still haunts me today, it brings a sadness and hatred into my life that i don't know what to do with most of the time, hopefully sharing it will allow me some healing. It was like any other day, i had to work, but Ted had an appointment for the results of the mylogram, so i was thinking it was going to be a good day, but as i was preparing to leave for a couple hours at work, i was in the walk in freezer looking for ice cream when all of a sudden the door closes, the lights go out and i am in the dark, at first i look around then i see the glow in the dark handle in which i am suppose to be able to get out, but i couldn't the door was being held shut, i panicked and flashed back to the day i was raped. I had a panic attack i was lost and confused, then my co worker opened the door, and laughed at me, but i was afraid, so very afraid, and panicked.







Everything from then on was a blur, i don't remember much of the day, after that, i don't even much of the appointment that Ted had. I was there physically but that's about it. I was numb i was on auto pilot. I just did my job till it was done, then went home, not sure how i got home exactly but thank god safely. Then as i started to relax a little then my world fell apart, Ted kept pushing to what happened, and then i started to talk about it, and just fell apart, i cried, and shook and became terrified of everything. All of a sudden my world became small, and evil. I was afraid of my bathroom, i was afraid of falling a sleep i was afraid of everything. Nightmares plagued me if i did fall asleep i cried all the time, i hated life.







The next day Ted had thought it a good idea to go and talk to my supervisor. I didn't want to go, i was too afraid, i didn't want to see the guy that did this to me i didn't want to be back at the hospital. But he thought it was the best, so off we went, if i had eaten anything i would of probably thrown it up. We got into the hospital and all i wanted to do is run, far far away, i became stiff and terrified. We made it to Art's office, and i find the corner in which no one could see me if they came into the storage room. Ted did most of the talking, and i just tried not to cry, but i failed. Art didn't seem to understand why this was affecting me like it was, and i wasn't about to tell him, but all i wanted was to go home and be safe. Well once we got out of there and headed back to the car on of my co workers hugged me, and off to the house, i called my therapist, and made an appointment with her and just went home to be with Ted. Nothing was getting better, the fear got worse and worse by the hour, my inability to function went away, i didn't eat unless ted told me i had to and watched me eat. I kept having flash backs so terrifying i was going completely crazy, i was losing my mind, my sanity and everything else. I wasn't sure that i was going to survive this and that i would probably end up in the nut house.





The next day I struggled to get out of bed, i was exhausted from all the nightmares the anxiety, and the flash backs, but i got up and made my appointment with my therapist. She had told me that i was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and severe depression and that i needed to see a doctor immediately to get some medication so that I wouldn't get worse, so i tried to get a hold of my general doctor, but that took too long, then i called Mad River occupational health and they tried to set up an appointment for the next week, and i told them I'm sorry but i can't wait till next week I'm bad and I'm suffering i need in today. So from the goodness of their hearts they got me in over their lunch hour, and i had to fill all the workers comp forms and all that crap while trying not to fall apart, that was too late. So they sent me home with Paxil (an anti depressant) and Xanax (an anti anxiety) and went home filled the prescription and for the first time i slept. My anxiety finally felt like it was going away if only for a little while! It took months before i was able to sleep without some kind of night light, i still have nightmares to this day, and the sadness never leaves.



Trying to deal with Ted's back injury and my complete lack of confidence in myself i was a mess, i didn't know how to be in a relationship, i didn't know how to function anymore, it was like i was a child lost in a grown up world. Who was going to take me serious, who was going to take care of me, how was life going to go on, i started cutting again. I was mad at me, and Ted was frustrated with me, because i had made a promise to him that i wouldn't cut myself ever again, i hated myself. I wasn't sure if Ted actually wanted to be with ME because i didn't want to be me. I actually believed that Ted would leave me if i didn't get better so i worked so hard, i ran on the treadmill every day i took my meds i kept the house neat, i went to therapy i went to my doctors appointments, i went to his appointments, i took care of his needs and yet the loathing i had for myself grew stronger and stronger every day and one day i just didn't give a shit. I stopped running, i stopped journaling, i still went to therapy and doctors cause I had to but i hate the world. Ted and i got into huge fights and i felt worse and worse and worse. Then more bad news from Ted's neurosurgeon, saying that Ted will not get better but will not get worse! It was more than my poor brain heart and emotions could have, that was the huge blow out in our relationship and decided to go to Canada for 3 weeks to get my head on right, the trip was alright, but i was exhausted and so confused. I was so lonely and heart broken.

So not only does my husband have a problem i had one two, two people in that amount of pain is never has a good outcome.