The next few months

The struggle between the real world and the world that i was diving into head first, I was so bad off i couldn't even stay home alone. The first time Ted left me alone, the power went out and i froze it was day time and it wasn't really dark but the lights went out and i freaked I texted Ted that the lights went out he called me and he rushed home to be with me and said that he would not leave me alone anymore, so the next couple months Ted didn't' leave my side! The nightmares were horrible, the flashbacks were so frightening. Therapy 2 times a week, some times 3 times. I worked hard, i did everything my doctors, therapists asked of me, I tried so hard, and i worked so hard. I went to Ted's doctors appointment and i tried to be a good wife, but i think i was just avoiding myself and my emotions, cause when the day we went to Ted's appointment to see what his last MRI had to say, and that was a sad day, we sat in the room and his doctor was going through his MRI and his doctor was telling us that his injury was permanent and he wasn't going to get any better and he wasn't going to be any worse, and this would be our lives forever, and the only treatment would be pain management. But drugs and his pain would be there for the rest of our lives, it broke my heart, I was trying not to break down sobbing, and Ted kept poking at me asking me if there was anything i wanted to ask the doctor, there wasn't i was so shocked, this was our last shot at some good news and then there wasn't any good news, and oh god it it hurt, everything about the last months of hell we had gone through was going to be the rest of our life, the rest of MY life. I was mourning, i was afraid, i was every emotion there is was.





But on the other hand i had to be there for Ted, don't get me wrong I wanted to be there for Ted. So when he asked me in the car on the way home how i felt, i wanted to make sure that he had said all he had to say, and that i wouldn't be interrupted and when he finished he asked me again, I started to tell him how i felt, and how scary this was for me he would interject his feelings and emotions again, and i lost it, all the months of holding back my feelings of guilt anger frustration, sadness, pain, came out and I told him you just don't care about how i feel, its always about you and you don't allow me to get what i need to say off my chest. Well both of us were angry and sad and devastated it was our biggest fight ever, Ted got angry because I kept saying you just don't care about anyone but yourself, then he threw the back pack across the room and he flipped the futon and chair over, and came up at me like a bully would and said does that show you that i care, i was scared nervous and so sad that it had come to this. I went over to the neighbours and i cried and drank and cried some more, had dinner then went back home, and found him drunk on the couch. I put him to bed, and i sat and thought what am i going to do, but my emotions were starting to overwhelm me, and i couldn't get out from under it, i just kept getting worse and worse and worse, and so my therapist thought it might be a good idea if i went to see my family in Canada. So after i went home and told Ted i need to go home, there is nothing you can offer me right now that I need and my family can so I made a 3 week vacation to Canada.



So off i went. I was spent, i wasn't even sure how to communicate to my family properly i kept feeling that i was alone. And it made me so sad. But the vacation made me feel better by the end and ready to take back my role as wife. And hopefully back to work, and slowly things got better and the first week of September I was back at work, and I was moved to Medical Records, which was awesome I loved it there the people were nice and i got to do my own thing after i learnt what i needed to do! Things were going great until one day at the end of October when I had a flash back one night just before falling asleep, i didn't think of it much but all of a sudden the next day was blacker then before, just when i was feeling better and working, and feeling better about myself, i took a nose dive and it was bad, it was so bad that in the middle of November i went into the Psychiatric emergency hold building for a night, i wanted to kill myself, I wanted to be done with pain, i didn't want to fight with Ted about how i was feeling, and have him not understand, not have his support, but really i didn't want to go on, I was tired, my mind was not clear i just wanted to be free from all responsibility. Death was that for me. But I also realized that these thoughts were not good, so i called the cops on myself told them what i wanted to do, and they came over and got me.

So after all that and i got checked into this place where i was suppose to have someone to talk to, they led me into a room that had 4 beds, which had one male, two females, and a guard. I was terrified. There was a 2 men in the room and i was suppose to sleep, well i sat on my bed which was right by the window, being in the middle of November it was cold, and all of a sudden lights go out and i realize that they just dumped me in here, that was keeping me safe it was bullshit, so after about an hour of listening to the "employees" talking about each patient in a unprofessional fashion, i got up to pee, then told the employees that i was so uncomfortable with 2 men in the room and i was stressed out and anxious. She told me, that we are closely watched, and no one would get hurt, and i told them i want to go home. They wouldn't let me, they just told me to go lie down, and so i was waiting for them to bring my meds to me, but it never happened and i struggled with sleep at that time and i needed my sleeping pill they wouldn't give it to me because they weren't from "their" doctors, so i suffered, I was cold i was sleep deprived and terrified, I even heard the guard tell the staff that they should give me something "cause the poor girl is talking to herself and sitting up and lying down." but nothing, that was the longest night of my life. Finally after all that waiting they told me I was in too much therapy and that i needed to get out more, and that life is great!

After that I went home and pretended like nothing happened like it was one big joke, but i still have memories about that night. God it was awful. I told myself i should of just cut myself to end the pain, and it would of been less traumatic then that damn building.

But i was at home and vowed never to go back. But now after medication things started to level out again.

Then a big surprise for Thanksgiving I got a wonderful surprise, my parents came out to have thanksgiving with Ted, Tom, and myself. It was great and I got to spend my Birthday with them too which was awesome. It was a great surprise I loved every moment of it.

and i was getting ready for my first Christmas with Ted's Mom and Ted's Daughter Kirsten. So that came up and i was trying to not stress out too much, but it turned out to be a great vacation, a few bumps here and there, but other than that great. I enjoyed myself, and met some amazing family members that I am now connected to. That was my greatest Christmas gift.