A new start

As i look back on my blogs i've seen that most of them have been about Ted and his back, and i realized that yes i wanted people to know that life isn't grand here in my world with a husband with a busted back, but Its not the real reason that i wanted to start blogging. So now I will begin what i wanted to do in the first place, so here it goes

Right now i am diagnoised with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Severe depression, Severe anxiety and panic attacks, and now a new one Obssesive Compulsive Disorder. I am currently in therapy once a week and see a psychitrist once a month to evaluate my medications. And of course since this is a workers compensation case i see a GP once a month to get my work release renewed.

So this is what is happening right now, I have gone for a QME which just means that I go to another shrink and tell them how i've been for the last period of time since i last saw them, and wait for them to make a dicision on whether or not this is going to have me be a percentage of disability for the rest of my life, and my temporary disability ends in January so I have no choice but to accept this disability rating, so i can get workers comp out of my life, and rebuild my life. I will not be going back to Mad River Community hospital there is just too much there i cannot handle and its just a huge stressor to be in that building, so that is why i'm still off work, not so much that i can't work but i need to deal with workers comp and get my rating so that i can make the decisions and the actions i need to get back into the work force.

I have deactivated my Facebook account because i believe it was feeding me the message that if i put something on there that was reaching out, i was hoping to have support from some people and I was disappointed in the reactions that i got. I was devestated and i grew to think that no one gave a shit about me, and was just going to leave me to rot, because hey, that's Tiffany always feeling sorry for herself, always wanting attention, never happy. One thing is true, I do want attention, and i need it. My independant streak has gotten me to a place of lonliness and unhappiness, Yes i am an independant woman, who needs attention, and somedays just doesn't know how to accept or ask for it. I feel like i've starved myself from attention for years, I wanted to be the good kid, I wanted to be the least of trouble, and i wanted people around me to think yeah she can take care of herself, we don't need to spend as much time with her, as a teen nothing could of been further from the truth, i pulled myself away the more and more i needed attention, and the attention I got was either when i got caught with scars on my arm, or after insomnia had taken over my physical well being and i passed out in school, or trying to take my own life. It was the wrong attention usually at the wrong time, i wanted to be alone, with my own pain, but of course there was nothing i could do about it, i guess in someway i enjoyed that attention too. But it would only last too long before i felt it wasn't filling the need that i needed, and everyone went on with their lives thinking once again that i was doing alright.

And now i'm 27 years old living in a beautiful place in California and so far away from the people that i truly deeply love. I live with both guilt and happiness about my life, here i am doing something different in my life, living somewhere other than Manitoba, in an beautiful town. But the guilt i feel when i'm not there to be a part of the good times, and the bad times when a sister or daughter or grand daughter should be there. I don't think that will ever go away.

So right now I am trying something different and trying to communicate better, and right now my words come out better in writing (or typing) then talking. So now i am trying to express what i am going through on an daily basis so that maybe I can reconnect and reform a support group, that will do me some good!!!