That time of month

I don't want to complain but my period is getting worse, and that is all thanks to the endometriosis. The pain is like someone takes an electric knife and throws it in my pelvic area, the pain makes me nauseous. My energy is drained and i feel more emotionally vulernable, and i struggle more with things, like nightmares don't end when i wake up the feelings and emotions stay with me all day, and today those feelings are of worthlessness and that i'll never be able to fit into the world the way everyone else does, and of course that sounds crazy but that is how i feel, and i try to help my self see that those thoughts are irrational, but somedays the feelings stay with me for the entire day.

I went outside into my tent and colored, it helps me just go back to a better thought and a better time, that tent has so many good many memories, and its just a good aura in there i always seem to come out feeling better after i've been in the tent for a while, as weird as that sounds :D

today i had a memory about when Uncle Bill came over and yelled and scresmed at mom and dad over church things, i remember sitting under the desk in the room i shared with my sister and couldn't believe that a person i called uncle was betraying and abandoning our family that way. I was so scared the tone in uncle bill's voice sounded murderous, it scared me, i was praying that they would leave us alone, if they had nothing good to say then just leave. I have random memories and i hope to share them here as often as i can.

I miss my family so much, it feels so lonely here sometimes, just to goto the spa with my sisters, have my mom take care of me when i am unable, go to a movie with dad then discuss it at length. Take my Neice and nephews out for a weekend in a hotel and have a weekend of adventures.

But i am here for a reason, and i have found myself out here and continue to find myself and that's a good thing. I think that things will work out as they come, i know that the next chance i get i am going to visit my family, take Ted with me. And be a big family!

But as i write this, i hear my little sqeakers saying kiss kiss kiss kiss behind me and i can't help but laugh because he's been saying that for the last 45 minutes. I'm glad he's here he always can bring a smile to my face.

My hair is slowly growing back and its still weird i don't quite recogonize myself somedays, somedays i see a guy in the mirror trust me that can be distrubing LOL. Well i'm not sure what else to write, so i'll sign off for today.