Pain....

Its funny how there are things in life that give you a reminder on how good some of your worst days seem, i'm not sure if that makes any sense but let me try and explain, today i have my period, and it is one of the most painful one's i've had in a while! I have endometriosis and it causes me grief all the time but the worst at the time of my period!! Today has been chronic pain, nothing touches it nothing makes it go away so i sit on my ass and try to make the pain go away. But every time i get a sharp shooting pain in my gut, my crotch, or my back, i am again reminded that this isn't as easy to avoid as some thoughts feelings and emotions!!! I try to make it seem as normal as possible i try to do house work and feel as good as possible, but today was not a day that it was going to allow that. And it sucks because i'm here with my family which i don't get to do often enough and i just sit around on the heating pad hoping it will get better!!

So i start thinking man i would rather be dealing with emotional crap or trying to deal with it then deal with a pain that I cannot control, this isn't even something i would even cut myself, cause its a very real reminder that i am alive, and the stabbing pain in my gut is proof of that!! So i just don't know, its easy for me to withdrawal when i'm like this because if i have to be in pain i would rather be in pain alone!! I guess that is pretty much the same with any other pain too i guess.

But that's enough about my bitching, i don't have it bad, today i heard of a young girl on her way to the hair dressers with her brother, for graduation and she was in a head on collision, she broke both her femur bones, her brother had one side of his face smashed in, and has brain swelling and bleeding. And this all happened on her graduation day, and to think about it, today would be 10 years for my graduation, and i was doing the exact same thing as she was, going to get my hair done for grad.

I was lucky nothing happened to me, but this poor girl has to suffer for the next while, if not for the rest of her life from this accident, it just makes me continue to realize that life can go from one thing to the next in such short time!!!

And that is why i find it so important to talk about death. I know its an ugly subject that no one wants to think about, but for me, i know that if i go tomorrow i have lived my life the way i wanted to, given my heart and soul into the people that i love. I am so lucky that i found my true love my soul mate in Ted, and that i have an amazing Niece and 2 amazing Nephews. I know that i will be remembered for my horrible humor that my family can only find truly funny when i watch it and hurt so bad because i am laughing so hard because someone in a movie farted!! i am so grateful for my life, and i know that it has been amazing journey that i could of never imagined that i would find myself in. I have a will and i have made power of attorney because i don't want someone other than my loved ones to decide my fate if it should so happen!! I'm not dying and i'm not even thinking about dying, but i know death is reality and some day the people i love are going to die, and that breaks my heart now as i speak, i can't help but cry to think that one day i will be without my mom and dad, and who knows what else might happen. I suggest that you prepare for the inevitable because you never know when it might strike.

I have lived a long life, i have felt a lot of pain, i experience things differently then most people, and i am who i am, scars and all, but i do know that i am loved! no matter what there are a pair of waiting arms to hold me and to care for me, and one day when its time for me to go and go wherever we go when we die, i know that the people i love will be waiting for me because i know true love never dies!

Home

Well i am back in canada visiting my family! Its been great, i have missed them espeically since Ted and myself have been struggling with so much lately! I am so happy that we are here, i can't thank my dad enough for getting us out here, somehow he just knows when to make the sun shine in our lives. So this year i found out that someone stole my dad's BBQ and so i decided that since we were blessed with a little extra cash that we would buy him a new bbq. And he's been struggling because he wants to be home but he can't because he's stuck working, and getting screwed around and is exahausted. So my brother in law and ted put it together and my niece sprayed happy father's day in the grass, and i took pictures and had the effect that i wanted, it made his day!! And i'm so grateful for that!!!

My dad has done a lot for Ted and myself while we have been in Cali! It a great surprise!! It was a great day

Ted's Injection

Well we are home again, we left on Thursday to go and get settled in the hotel because the next day he had another round of back injections, and i was stressed out and I was afraid that this was going to be as bad as the first injections where he was in so much pain he could barely get off the strecher, so i was very scared. So we get into the hotel early and we get settled in, Ted and i check out the place and they have a swimming pool and hot tub! YEAAAA. Then we saw that we had our choice of burger kind and taco bell! Yeaaa cheap greasy food, exactly what we were looking for, we were trying hard to save every penny we could so we could have a great time in Canada. There was tension with Ted and I we had a lot of worries about the next day's procedure. So we watched cheesy movies, and just laughed a lot!!

Well the morning came and we were both so nervous, so we arrive at the VA Hosptial early so we can take our time to do the things we need to do, and we get most of the things sorted out, then went to the dreaded waiting room, Ted was called in about 30 minutes after we arrived, and got settled in and next thing i knew there was a nurse coming out to talk to me about some stuff i had been worried about concerning Teds treatment, so we got that all figured out! Then i saw Ted being pushed to the procedure room, which was my cue to finish the tasks we started before the appointment, so i go and get his prescriptions and got his travel pay, then i went to shop for some comfort food for Ted so that he had something that he enjoyed just in case it was bad again for him, by the time i finished everything and got back up to the procedure waiting room, Ted came out, and so i was eager to see what was the results of this procedure. A few minutes later a nurse came and got me, and i saw the curtian closed and i wasn't sure what that meant, but i opened the curtian and took a breath and there was Ted off the gurney and getting dressed he was sore, and uncomfortable but he wasn't in the amount of pain he was last time, so i was so relieved, and my stress level went down a little, we still had to get back to the hotel which was 50 miles away and it was rush hour traffic so it took us about 3 hours to go 50 miles not getting above 45 miles an hour. So we finally get to the hotel room and i try to get Ted comfortable and we agreed to double up his meds for the day just so he can feel better and later the evening i went to the hot tub and sat and soak while Ted kept me company, along with my ducky friend. There was a duck there that swam in the pool it was so funny!! She gave me evil glances on Thursday as i entered her pool, to swim, but i scared her off and she left. But all weekend we had a pet duck!! And sometimes there were 2. It was a fun part of the day. Then a bunch of kids and their mom came around and we chatted with them, then the weirdest thing happened our landscaper and his girlfriend showed up! It was so crazy so we pushed the limits on how long we could stay in the hot tub, and just chatted, it was so good it helped me relax and forget about the last couple days.

The next two days were rough on Ted his spasms were rough and he's been so tired, so he's been sleeping a lot, and i've been hoping its just his body helping him heal, and nothing more. But today he got up today and drove home, so i was happy that he was feeling better, but i think he over did it, he's asleep right now! I'm trying to relax, glad we are home and in comfortable surroundings!!

So he's got another appointment in September and they want him a part of a pain clinic which would be every other week, so it might happen that Ted will be in San Francisco for the length of the pain clinic, so we have to wait and see about that, oh and after we get home from Canada we start a new medication regimine which will get him off the meds he is on right now, which means no more opites, but we dont want to do it before canada just incase he get sick!!

So that's the latest update from our end!!

I can finally breathe

Today I had an experience that scared the shit out of me. I have joined a support group that has groups that have sexual abuse, depression anxiety, and so on, and i met this 15 year old Canadian, and we started talking, her story was so sad, and the more she told me the more i felt so awful for her, so i put myself out there and said if she needed to talk anytime i would try and be there for her, well over the last couple weeks we have kept in contact and she was just in so much pain, her father abused her from the tender age of 4 till she was 14. I will not begin to tell you her story because she prefers her privacy, lately she was struggling and i was talking with her daily just being her friend and trying to help her understand somethings if she needed it!

But today we talked the minute i got up and we talked a bout everything and anything. Well all of a sudden she started getting down on her self and i started to think that she might have a melt down, 5 minutes later i was right, that poor girl couldn't take her flashbacks the nightmares the pain she's been through and continues to go through, she said she would be better off dead, and i asked her are you serious about suicide, she said yes, i asked did you have a plan, she said yes, pills, and i asked her when she said I am taking them right now! I fought to have her tell me where she lived so i could send emergency support to help her, but she really wanted to die, oh god i don't know how to explain the fear i had, i was so far away i didn't have anything to contact her with, and she was dying and i knew she was. I didn't have a town i didn't have anything i was going crazy i couldn't believe this was happening, she then disappeared, i couldn't get her to continue to chat with me, the bottle of Prozac was doing what she wanted, then a miracle happened, her friend came online because she had come to visit my friend, and her friend was asking who is this, i asked her where *kim* was and she said she was out cold i told her call 911 she just downed a bottle of pill and she's dying!!!!

But thank god her friend helped her, made her throw up some of the pills, and the EMT's came and took her to the hospital, and i just heard that she is doing alright and she'll sleep through the night at the hospital!

Talk about helpless feeling. That poor girl!! My heart aches for her.

A joy

Well i have found out that my wonderful father has graciously paid for tickets for me and husband to go to Canada to visit my family!! It is so what i needed, with everything else that has gone on my dad became a shining light for me to look forward to, I know that I said i didn't want to do more traveling, but this is SOOO worth it. I'm so excited. I'm going to miss my babies, but they will be well taken care of!

There will be a lot of obstacles that I will have to fight through because there is NO escaping the crazy amount of people that are in the huge airports and the inability to get off a plane when you feel like it, than god for Ted, he's my calmness when i go through this, he makes sure that I am taken care of! He'll just be so attentive and i usually can get through it, with my coping skills and Ted's ability to sense a break down! So I am so glad that he makes things so much easier for me! But Ted and I have always travelled well together, and that makes things so great.

I don't think i have much more to write about because it will just be a repeat of i can't wait to go to Canada, can't wait to Canada. My husband is tuning me out already LOL!!

YIPPEEEEEEE And I'm off like a prom dress :D

Free Counter

So many things that are going through my mind right now, i think my head is about to explode. Next Friday Ted and I have to go to San Francisco for another round of back injections, i'm not looking forward to that, there is one thing that nearly kills me is seeing Ted in pain. And after last times shots i'm wondering how its going to go this time, I know i'll get into get it done mode, to make sure he's comfortable, or as comfortable as he can be, and this time we will be spending 2 days in Santa Rosa, so he can rest and we don't have to put undue strain on his back, and i have some time to unwind too!

Ted is on another new medication, and i'm about sick of all of it. I guess he couldn't sleep last night so it looks like he was going through workers comp stuff, and i'm afraid that he's going to become more and more stressed out then he already is, and then what, there isn't a lot of patience going around this house as of late, so we don't do a whole lot of deep discussions because we both lose our tempers rather quickly. Some days I find it hard to feel any compassion for Ted because he hasn't done anything the doctor has recommended he do for his back, and for me its like how are you suppose to get to a point where the pain is manageable if you don't try anything. I find it so frustrating, I know that this is a lot and i know there is always a point where you think nothing will work, but Dr. Khan his pain management doctor has given us a little hope that we can make this better, but i feel if you don't at least try your not going to get any better!!!! So i have become a little impatient with Ted when he says he's done all he can and nothing is helping, and that there is just nothing he can do, when he hasn't done anything the doctor has recommended, cause its going to take time she says but there will be a point where we can get this under control, i guess he didn't hear that part.

I don't know how to encourage him anymore, seems everything i've done falls on deaf ears, and he's just going to wallow, it just feels very out of control and that's what i can't stand, is that i have no control over the situation and that drives me nuts, if i could put Ted into boot camp i so would!! But its just not that easy! I don't know what to do for the man anymore!!! And that hurts.

Anyway on to other things, i have officially started my bookkeeping exam, and i know i was complaining how 100 pages was a lot, but it seemed to get just a little bigger once i started writing for an hour and a half, in iddity bitty little lines with my big hand writing. Good grief. Ted was kind enough to rub my poor hand after i had finished a bout of the exam, this is gonna be a challenge and i will end up with arthritis in my right hand after this exam LOL.

Another day

Well another day has come and almost gone, and then i get to crawl into my bed, and pretend that nothing in the world is wrong, so that at least for the moment that i don't have anything i can do, and that i can relax in bed read, listen to music or play solitare on the ipod. Nightmares have become less, so now i just dream weird dreams, and at times have dreams of grandure! I am missing my family, i am missing the fact that i cannot go to my mom's place and just get out of the situation for a while, just go do stuff with sisters, just do stuff.

But i can't and i'm sad. I love California, but some days i wish i was back in Manitoba, (only in the summer). Oh well, one day at a time right!!! I should probably be working on my bookkeeping exam, but it scares me LOL a hundred pages of crap and numbers!! I guess i'm just afraid that i'm going to fail this, but that's the little kid in me so uncertain of what she can and cannot do, i know the stuff, i'm smart and i've done better then i could of even imagined, but when push comes to shove i always doubt myself. Which means that me talking to myself is a current theme with me somedays!!

I went to therapy today, it was a good therapy, my therapist says that i'm doing well. But she says i need to get out and get to work, which will help me out too. I'm impatiently waiting for the workers comp people to let me know what's up, so that i can get started with preparing for when everything shifts, if it shifts at all! So its just a waiting game, too bad i suck at waiting! lol

Although on a much lighter note, my beloved bird sqeakers has learnt the word "kiss" and the other day i heard him say "kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss" and i turn to look at him and he was bent over grooming his ass saying kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss, now picture that. Now that's comic relief!

Talking with my dad

I just remembered a conversation with my dad that i had last week, and for some reason today i thought of it and it struck me about what he said to me, the conversation was probably one of the first conversations that he and i have had about my rape and molestation, and we talked about at that time when i was growing up that it was part of the culture to trust everyone, no matter what, trust them, with your children, trust them with your secrets and trust them with your faith. Everyone is worth being around, no matter the influence. My dad had said that if he had done things differently, with 20/20 hind site, things would of been very different.

When i think of my molestation and rape, there are times where i blame everyone for not protecting me, they should of known they should of protected me. But i was thinking in a child's mind, that little girl in me that is scared and worried if she is going to live the night. And today as a 27 year old i put it together, i see it as a woman now not as a child. Sex was basic, my mom sat me down with an encyclopedia and showed me the reproduction part of the encyclopedia, and pointed to the pictures and told me, that a man has a penis, and a woman has a vagina, and they come together and then you get a baby that way. And she said if there was any questions i could ask, but there was no talk about molestation, no talk about rape, no talk that sex could end up being a very bad traumatizing thing. Its not my moms fault, I don't even know if those were topics that were talked about back then. Even in what was the little part of our one half day of sex information, they didn't mention anything bad or that there was any warning sex could be a bad thing.

I didn't know what actually happened to me until i remembered the incident, after i had seen it rape and molestation on the news that rape and molested that i was actually was being eaten alive for so long finally had a name for me. Not that it helped much but at least i had a name.

As i have watched over the last couple years as the violence on children has gotten worse, and the depravity that has come into our society it amazes me that the knowledge that we have about the people who are bad news doesn't stop the rate of violence from climbing. I admire those who speak out about child violence.

But I know that my parents did their best with what information they had available, and that they only knew what they had grown up with and were taught, if they were taught anything about sexual depravity at all. I don't know that answer, i should ask, but I'm not sure I'm ready to have the sex talk with my parents just yet. :D Thank you dad for be honest with a painful situation for both of us, it has cleared up stuff for me. I can't thank you enough for that!!! I love you dad!

A Letter to God (explicit)

God

Please give me some sign that I am not evil. That I don't have the personality or the ability to bring out the worst in people. Will I live like a scared child hoping the big bad people won't hurt me? That the number of demons I struggle with. I use to pray everyday to you begging for you to take away my pain, to protect me to love me, to hold me in your protective arms. To send someone to help me understand your place for me but in stead you send a pervert my way. You knew i needed to know someone gave a damn enough to protect me unlike my father his friends my mother, my sisters, my church my friends. What did I do wrong or do you even exist Are you just a fable to have people believe that no matter what they do they can be forgiven and held to your bosom, why do they count and i am left to fight their battles. Cause they ask for forgiveness and i ask for justice and you deny me.



YOU DENY ME EVERY TIME YOU FORGIVE THE MEN WHO HAVE DESTROYED, PART OF ME THAT I CAN'T LIVE WITH. HOW DARE YOU! YOU FAILED ME THE ALL MIGHTY GOD YOU FAILED ME. YOU FAILED ME. YOU ARE NO GOD YOUR NOT FAITHFUL AND MERCIFULLY. YOU DESTROYED ME! YOU COULD OF STOPPED IT I WAS ONLY 12. I WAS A BABY.


I don't care that more trials make one great i don't want to be great i want to feel alive without fer and without sadness because of your neglect.