Pain....

Its funny how there are things in life that give you a reminder on how good some of your worst days seem, i'm not sure if that makes any sense but let me try and explain, today i have my period, and it is one of the most painful one's i've had in a while! I have endometriosis and it causes me grief all the time but the worst at the time of my period!! Today has been chronic pain, nothing touches it nothing makes it go away so i sit on my ass and try to make the pain go away. But every time i get a sharp shooting pain in my gut, my crotch, or my back, i am again reminded that this isn't as easy to avoid as some thoughts feelings and emotions!!! I try to make it seem as normal as possible i try to do house work and feel as good as possible, but today was not a day that it was going to allow that. And it sucks because i'm here with my family which i don't get to do often enough and i just sit around on the heating pad hoping it will get better!!

So i start thinking man i would rather be dealing with emotional crap or trying to deal with it then deal with a pain that I cannot control, this isn't even something i would even cut myself, cause its a very real reminder that i am alive, and the stabbing pain in my gut is proof of that!! So i just don't know, its easy for me to withdrawal when i'm like this because if i have to be in pain i would rather be in pain alone!! I guess that is pretty much the same with any other pain too i guess.

But that's enough about my bitching, i don't have it bad, today i heard of a young girl on her way to the hair dressers with her brother, for graduation and she was in a head on collision, she broke both her femur bones, her brother had one side of his face smashed in, and has brain swelling and bleeding. And this all happened on her graduation day, and to think about it, today would be 10 years for my graduation, and i was doing the exact same thing as she was, going to get my hair done for grad.

I was lucky nothing happened to me, but this poor girl has to suffer for the next while, if not for the rest of her life from this accident, it just makes me continue to realize that life can go from one thing to the next in such short time!!!

And that is why i find it so important to talk about death. I know its an ugly subject that no one wants to think about, but for me, i know that if i go tomorrow i have lived my life the way i wanted to, given my heart and soul into the people that i love. I am so lucky that i found my true love my soul mate in Ted, and that i have an amazing Niece and 2 amazing Nephews. I know that i will be remembered for my horrible humor that my family can only find truly funny when i watch it and hurt so bad because i am laughing so hard because someone in a movie farted!! i am so grateful for my life, and i know that it has been amazing journey that i could of never imagined that i would find myself in. I have a will and i have made power of attorney because i don't want someone other than my loved ones to decide my fate if it should so happen!! I'm not dying and i'm not even thinking about dying, but i know death is reality and some day the people i love are going to die, and that breaks my heart now as i speak, i can't help but cry to think that one day i will be without my mom and dad, and who knows what else might happen. I suggest that you prepare for the inevitable because you never know when it might strike.

I have lived a long life, i have felt a lot of pain, i experience things differently then most people, and i am who i am, scars and all, but i do know that i am loved! no matter what there are a pair of waiting arms to hold me and to care for me, and one day when its time for me to go and go wherever we go when we die, i know that the people i love will be waiting for me because i know true love never dies!