Raw Emotion

I have had to fight long and hard with myself to finally get up the nerve to write this blog, but i feel i need to or else i won't be able to continue. These are raw emotions and they are not pretty so please be warned!



I want to cut oh god do i want to cut! Its hard to get out of my mind i have flashes of my wrists bleeding just pouring blood, and feeling so good so relieved so at peace, but i struggle with the decision to wimp out or stay strong! But i want to wimp out so bad i don't want to deal with my emotions i want them to go away, they consume me, i feel alone, but yet i live with my beloved husband, he's going through crap i cannot even imagine and there isn't a damn thing i can do about it. I'm about as useless as tits on a boar, a phrase my husband says all the time! :D I can't do anything but boy i try, despite everything and despite it being almost 2 years i want to do whatever i can to help him be more comfortable, and some times it falls on deaf ears or I've become annoying! Which hurts because i just want to take his pain away.



But my pain is just as equal, i guess sometimes i try to help make my husbands pain go away so i don't have to deal with mine!! I feel like I'm out of control, everything is just so crazy, we have a crazy amount of doctors appointments and a few of them are out of town, and i don't want to go out of town anymore they never bring good news. I'm tired of bad news, i want good news, i want things to be happy again. But somehow they will never be like it was!! I guess this is part of marriage through some health but mostly sickness!



Drowning in my own thoughts, feeling no sense of being alive, just going through day by day feeling so numb yet overcome with emotion. I don't want to feel my heart breaking, I don't want to feel the sadness, i don't want to feel the anxiety. I just want to be me! I desperately want to move out to Missouri so i can be closer to more family, instead of feeling so alone! Feeling like i have to be prepared for the worst all the time, to deal with it on my own. Its so scary and even though things usually come out okay I always feel like i need to prepare!

I want to be a normal couple the ones who both go to work, plan vacations, be spontaneous, be a young married couple of 3 years! Not this disaster we call a life, we are both closed off from each other, we love each other so much but we cannot look to the future because right now the future is in someone Else's hands, we are pretty much prisoners until we are completely finished with my workers comp case, teds workers comp case, Ted's social security disability case, and his VA case! So everything hangs in the balance, and its so frustrating. Don't get me wrong i want to get this all finished so at least we can figure out what to do from here! But my patience is running thin and i just want a future I want to be able to go and get a job so that i can have health insurance and get my health in check, i want Ted to know where he's at so we can deal with his health without paper work or all these appointments to decided what's best for him. I want to start a family, Every time i go shopping and i see the baby items my heart seems to break, because that is what i want but for some reason i can't have the right now, and it kills me. I always think about it, i watch TV shows and am jealous of all those women who are pregnant and i want that to be me! I want to be the happy pregnant woman. But i am not and someway somehow i have to accept that, and it hurts to the core of me! Everyone says when its your time things will work out, but i feel like that isn't fair!! But it is what it is for now as shitty as it is!!


So that is my sad tale as for right now. I am trying to accept life for what it is, and its hard i don't want to accept my life!! And that's hard to do when there is nothing i can do to change it!!

My Anger

I wanted to write how sad i was by the events that have happened over the vacation i was here for, but i cannot, the only feelings i actually feel right now is rage. A dark rage, it has seemed to me that the events of this vacation have opened the gate of hell so to speak inside me, which have come very much as a surprise to me, and i cannot grasp all the feeling i do have but i am angry, i am pissed and surprisingly enough i have finally found my voice of anger that i have been missing for a long time, so please to those who i love that are reading this, i need to express myself and i realize that some may not approve but i must speak my mind because my silent anger is over!!!

Over the course of the first two weeks i was in Canada, i took a brutally verbal beating from a person i cared for deeply, it was a constant attack as soon as there was something not going their way the amount of venom dripping from their mouth was huge, i couldn't believe what i was hearing, i was crushed and enraged that i had a person that i loved who would so viciously attack me, and my husband. There were threats made and i could not make any exceptions for them. My heart broke my spirit broke and caused me so much pain. I know i was suppose to just brush it off, but the things that were said were unbelievable, i didn't know it was possible but i felt hate for that person. I feel ashamed of myself but i cannot help it, this whole experience has opened me up to a whole new range of feelings of anger and hate. I know that for me there is a sense of hate to every man or woman who harms a child in anyway. But that hate is a hate that is removed, but this feeling of hate is close and is effecting me my anxiety is high, a deep pain is in my chest, and it doesn't go away. I couldn't believe that someone so close to me would use my abuse against me, saying that i was married to a child molester because i had been raped as a child, and that my marriage was abusive. What the fuck!! They clawed at my heart ripped my soul, threw me into some of my worst panic/anxiety attacks i have ever had, i think of cutting myself, and send pictures to them saying that the blood was their fault, they now had my blood on their hands.

I want to hurt them, i want to make them pay for what they have done for me. I know most of you who read this say well someone should not have that much power over how you feel or react but i am affected deeply, and i don't really give a damn about how i feel about the person who brought me so much pain. Heartless uncaring, deeply effected me, that i actually feel hate for the person, maybe in time things will change but right now i am so raw and vulnerable!! Those are my feelings, and its honest. And that's that!