My Anger

I wanted to write how sad i was by the events that have happened over the vacation i was here for, but i cannot, the only feelings i actually feel right now is rage. A dark rage, it has seemed to me that the events of this vacation have opened the gate of hell so to speak inside me, which have come very much as a surprise to me, and i cannot grasp all the feeling i do have but i am angry, i am pissed and surprisingly enough i have finally found my voice of anger that i have been missing for a long time, so please to those who i love that are reading this, i need to express myself and i realize that some may not approve but i must speak my mind because my silent anger is over!!!

Over the course of the first two weeks i was in Canada, i took a brutally verbal beating from a person i cared for deeply, it was a constant attack as soon as there was something not going their way the amount of venom dripping from their mouth was huge, i couldn't believe what i was hearing, i was crushed and enraged that i had a person that i loved who would so viciously attack me, and my husband. There were threats made and i could not make any exceptions for them. My heart broke my spirit broke and caused me so much pain. I know i was suppose to just brush it off, but the things that were said were unbelievable, i didn't know it was possible but i felt hate for that person. I feel ashamed of myself but i cannot help it, this whole experience has opened me up to a whole new range of feelings of anger and hate. I know that for me there is a sense of hate to every man or woman who harms a child in anyway. But that hate is a hate that is removed, but this feeling of hate is close and is effecting me my anxiety is high, a deep pain is in my chest, and it doesn't go away. I couldn't believe that someone so close to me would use my abuse against me, saying that i was married to a child molester because i had been raped as a child, and that my marriage was abusive. What the fuck!! They clawed at my heart ripped my soul, threw me into some of my worst panic/anxiety attacks i have ever had, i think of cutting myself, and send pictures to them saying that the blood was their fault, they now had my blood on their hands.

I want to hurt them, i want to make them pay for what they have done for me. I know most of you who read this say well someone should not have that much power over how you feel or react but i am affected deeply, and i don't really give a damn about how i feel about the person who brought me so much pain. Heartless uncaring, deeply effected me, that i actually feel hate for the person, maybe in time things will change but right now i am so raw and vulnerable!! Those are my feelings, and its honest. And that's that!