Another Chapter

I'm trying to do my best to be the person who i need to be to survive these new things in my life, the newest thing is this rape support group that i enrolled myself into it may start next week but the lady wasn't for sure about that, but that group terrifys me, i know my dad would be thinking the movies that, she watches and it doesn't scare her but a group, he'd probably think i had things a little backwards, and i'm almost feeling that he would be so right! The movies i watch are bloody are gory and filled with so much violence! And a group where i am suppose to get support in a space that is suppose to be safe!

Strange it has just made my life seem like i'm a kid lost and can't find her parents. I don't know how to include my family in this new part of my life, i need support but i'm not sure how its suppose to work, i'm feeling so lost, and hate the feeling that i don't have the answers, i'm suppose to have all the answers aren't i?

I think of my opa a lot for the past month or so, i'm not sure why but i think about him, and it makes me smile!! Like my husband and i were talking about baby names, no we're not pregnant i'm just obessed so we thought about names and we happened to be watching WWE one night and one of the wrestlers names was Hunter and i said that i liked the name, and my husband did too!! And i said to myself, man wouldn't my Opa be proud naming my kid after a WWE wrestler! :D

I think about kids and babies often, almost obsessive about it! Everytime i see someone with a baby or look at all the baby stuff, my heart feels so sad!! By now i thought i would of had kids or at least a kid! But everything else has seemed to come up and taken that away from me. I know i'm only 27 i'm young it will happen when its suppose to happen, but what happened about when I wanted it to happen? What happened to having things when I wanted them not when everything outside my control wanted it! I'm so frustrated already, i feel so old and know i'm still so young! I try to figure this out and i try to accept what is but its so hard because there are just things in my life that i wanted when i wanted it!! I guess i should stop feelings sorry for myself, but i have decided right now isn't the time i'm gonna feel sorry for myself!! *sigh* At least that's one thing i have in my control!!!

My Hubby still feels like shit, he still hurts and he's still cranky!! Its hard to talk to him about anything serious because he usually just tries to fix it rather than just listen to me, so i feel a little lost and alone i missing my best friend the husband i use to have, i'm waiting for him to come back to me!!! I'm waiting for him to be able to let me just fall and he'll take care of me, i am so tired the road has been long, i love him and i wouldn't change anything if it meant living a life without him, but its been long, and i am tired and i want some peace, i want us to both have peace in our life!! The last of the doctors appointments were over in September and we haven't gotten a notice to go back, but i had to tell my hubby that if there was another notice this year to go back to the bay area that i would not make the trip with him. I thought that i was the most terrible person for saying this, but the stress of doctors that we are suppose to trust look at my husband in the face and tell him once again that they have no idea why he's hurting they way he's hurting i've had my fill for the year, actually for the last 2 years, thank you very much!!!!


But i continue to try to keep a positive look on things, and those who know me, that's not all that easy!! I've always been such a pessimistic person that this has been a challenge for me to actually try and keep my usually overly positive husband, just to struggle through another day! Just to one more appointment, one more treatment, one more thing! That things will work out, even though i'm not quite believing what i'm saying i just can't stand to see him so down and so frustrated!!! It breaks my heart!!!!!