Life Continued

My idea of impressing people has always been with me i don't know where it came from but i always remember that i felt i needed to make an impression with anyone i spent a great deal of time with such as teachers and sunday school teachers, ect ect ect. I still have that, and i don't know what that's all about but i'm totally off track right now. So as i try to push this bus back to where i was before....


My grandmother died on Christmas day, its an awful feeling to have to know that will always be a day of mourning knowing that some one in your family died on that day!! I know i will be thankful everyday that i have my mom in my life, i find myself so much like her i have her hands, i have her emotions and i have her fears! I always thought i was adopted when i was younger cause i thought i was so different but now that i'm older i can see that i have both my parents with in me and they have given me gifts both from themselves while growing up that i use on a daily basis to live my life, its amazing how you can take things you know and lived with and take things from people around you and adapt them into coping skills or what ever it is, to live your life.

But again putting the bus back on the freeway..... I was up in Canada for a while being with my family, glad i could be there with my family to help my family to grieve, especially my mom! I actually had huge range of emotions while i was there, i learnt that the funeral for my grandmother would be held back because family members had decided to go on vacation instead of burying my grandmother, i was livid, i wanted to scream, and tell them what selfish people they were. I wanted to tell them how dare they put my mom and myself through that, I was pissed because all this happens and my life stops i cancel my christmas plans because i come up for the funeral, i had very selfish thoughts, although i masked them by trying to be upset for my mom's feelings, which were part of why i was pissed but i was so pissed that someone was taking away and making choices for my life without even consulting me or talking about it, it was just decided. I tried to put that on the back burner, but my anger didn't help me, i know that but shit i was pissed!!!

But soon enough the viewing was upon us! We gathered at my Aunts place to have dinner, and i was completely stressed out, i needed someone to lean on and i felt like i didn't have anyone, i missed my hubby so much and i started to isolate myself!! I wanted to be the helper not the issue, but i lost my cool when we were having supper i started to cry, and couldn't stop, my sisters pulled me into a room and tried to console me, and i couldn't figure out how to tell them that my life was falling apart and i didn't need someone dying to screw it up more! So i made up some story about mom being stressed and it unfair for waiting so long ect ect, but really my life was becoming a hell i thought i would never live in, and i didn't know what to do!! My mom comes in after my sisters and i tell my mom that i don't feel like i fit in, the truth is i have always felt like i've never fit in, and there is some truth to that but i kept trying to make reasons up that would make everyone worry less about me. God i tried hard.

Finally i pulled myself together partly disassociating i think just to get through all this, and i was fine until i had contact with someone like a hug, then i would completely lose it, but i was losing it because i actually felt human contact i wanted to be held and allowed to cry and it made sense for me to let some of that go when people thought i was mourning my grandmother, i really didn't have a lot of mourning for my grandmother, i didn't feel a lot i always felt either rejected or demanded of from my grandmother! A lot of what was going on was so incredibly personal and so far from a funeral not a soul knew. I wish that i could just let down my guard but i still have to work on that! :)

So we go into the chaple of the funeral home and we have about an hour and a half to view grandma just family! Everyone goes up, i go up with the family, then let everyone else go up then when everyone had gone up i stood in front of my grandmother and asked her why i was never good enough, what in hell could i have done to make her treat me like she did!! Funny she didn't answer, not like i was expecting an answer, i knhow that i talked to my big sister about that later on in the week and she told me that i just had to remind myself that even though my grandmother never made me feel important that i should know that within myself that i am that important! Some needed advice!!

The next day was the funeral, i was a pallbearer, i hate that job! I hate carrying dead people in a pretty box, not my thing, i grimice everytime i have done it, except when i carried my baby girl Allyn to her final resting place! She was only 14 and i wanted to do all i could for her to have a peaceful resting place and i'm glad i was apart of that, but as for my 2 grandfathers that have passed away and now my grandmother, I cringe at the thought of carrying caskets, Never liked the idea. But here i was again carrying my grandmothers casket, walking down the isle of a church being watched by people i know and people i have no idea who they are!

Then came the time for the service to start and i sat there just waiting for things to be over i hate funerals i truly do, not so much because i hate death but because there is just to much "song and dance" to it, and i find it frustrating that this is how we have to celebrate someones life by putting their body for show putting on makeup for them to look asleep, i guess its a comfort for people to know that their loved ones are peaceful! But i wonder if they ever wondered that that look isn't natural, that they do things to the body to "make" it look "peaceful". am just turned off by the whole thing!! But that is only my opinion and that's why i have a blog for my opinions, and if anyone who reads this has opinions of their own, i would like to hear them because i know mine isn't the only one out there! :D But through that service i was listening to people talk and i was wondering who was this person they were talking about, who was this grandmother everyone was talking about, and i felt so confused!!! Not that i expected things to be negative but this whole different person i never saw any of that, growing up the only vidid memory i had as a child of my grandmother is her slapping my sister in the face cause my sister showed me a picture snake, i can't remember how old we were but that was the only memory i've had that wasn't something negative.

That is something that threw me into a loop and i think of it to this day i think the shock of it has gone away now, but it was so strange my emotions were over loaded, now that i write it out i find that its not so much of an effect on me!!! But it was the experience i had, and there it is!

But that just one of those intresting different things that happened, the rest of the time that i was at home with my family i took advantage of of spending time with them, and my neice and nephews, oh i loved the time with my sisters and my mom and dad. But i was emotionally exhausted and ready to go home too. So the day finally came where i was on the road with my mom going to meet my sister for breakfast and then off to the airport where i was going to be home that night, i was so looking forward to seeing my hubby my babies (birds) and sleep in my bed. So i go through customs and wait at the terminal and they started boarding our flight, then all of a sudden all the people on the plane had come off the plane again, and by the time we were suppose to be leaving the flight was cancelled, i woke up early and didn't eat a whole lot, and i was struggling, i was not feeling really good, so i slept on and off for a couple of hours in the terminal, and when they were trying to get everyone rebooked, they called me up and said there was no way they could get me home that night, and my heart sank. But I had a choice to get into the states spend the night then go on home, so i made it to Minneapolis, and got a room, and i had a great sleep and had lots of time for me to get back to the airport, my flight in Minneapolis to San Francisco was on time and a smooth flight, then i got to the airport and realized that i had to switch over 2 terminals and it was a good 2 mile walk for sure! I thought i was going to be late for the plane, but after all the crap i got in and luckily my flight was delayed so i was able to rest a little bit and eat supper, well the flight was delayed and delayed and finally we were ready to go, and we got half way home and had to turn around, my emotional state was gone, i was not coping well, i was done with flights, so i told the lady at the counter i wanted a room but i was done, i called my hubby and said he had to come get me because i couldn't do it anymore i needed to get home. Then i had a panic attack, i lost it, i started crying and hyperventaling, i found a little corner, and dropped to my knees cried like a baby a airport cop stopped by asking if i need help and i couldn't really answer and i was on the phone with my husband so i handed the phone to him, and the cop refused it cause it was all slobbery, so out of no where he says if your not going to talk to me i'm going to leave and i let out a scream "fuck off then" it was a blessing i didn't get detained!!! But my hubby was gracious enough to come and get me and take me home. Ironically it was the exact day exactly 5 years ago that he picked me up from the same airport to start our lives together in California, it was a nice way to end the trip!!!