Life

Its amazing how things change from time to time, and how people change for the good and the bad, I have had a hell of a end to last year and a hell of a start for this year! Its amazing how soul searching never really ends, its seems that the existance of changes in life will make your idea of what you had before change completely!

Last Christmas my parents were out for Christmas, I knew it was a gamble for them to be in Missouri with my self and my family because my grandmother was really really sick and there was a chance that my mom would lose her mom, and part of me hoped that my mom would come out and everything would be great, and another part of me hoped that she would be out when my grandmother died so that i could be there for her to do something when i have felt so useless, as my poor mom has been struggling with the illness and deteritating condtion that her mom was in. I heard it in her tired pained voiced and my heart would bleed for her! I so wished that i could do something for her. But then on the other hand i wished that she would call me and say I cannot come i want to be with my mom, so that i wouldn't feel so guilty about taking my mom away from her mom's last few days if she died during the vacation!!

My parents came out, and i was so happy i had to admit having my mom and dad there made my christmas i didn't need anything, i was going to spend my first christmas with my husband my step daughter and my mother in law, nothing could of made me happier!! We had a great couple days my parents came in earlier then expected which was awesome and we got to just hang around and visit and do "normal" stuff at christmas time! We had bought my dad a huge blender for mixed drinks! He loved it, and we bought my mom tools, and wrapped them individually in duct tape, due to the fact that its my moms favorite thing to wrap care packages in duct tape and laughs as she hears the story about how the package was opened!! Everything was perfect!!!

Then early christmas morning, we all got up i made waffle batter and then we opened presents, god there were presents, there was wrapping paper every where, it was great!! We got lots of picture and a great morning. Then i made waffles, we had a great breakfast! And as one of my gifts i received some money and i wanted to spend some time with my parents so i asked my parents if we could go to Walmart (my super favorite store) just the three of us, because they were going to go home the next day! We went and all the walmarts in a 50 mile radius of where we were the stores were CLOSED, i was not happy! And another thing you can't find 2 dozen eggs on Christmas day either, sheesh, but i had so much fun with my parents, it was a great couple of hours just being together and enjoying each other's company i felt like a kid again, just needing my mom and dad around me to feel like things are going to be okay, with everything that has gone on in my life that whole year! As we come back we were laughing and everything, and when we got into the house, one of my uncles phoned and left a message for my mom about my grandma, it wasn't good news, they had taken her off life support and they were going to let nature take its course, and sure enough 8:30 pm Centeral time, my grandmother passed away!! What a Christmas!! I had told my parents that I would go with them to Canada if my grandmother passed away while they were out there! So i made my arrangements talked to my hubby and packed to go with my parents the next day so i could support my mom and attend my grandmothers funeral!!! It was the beginning of so much crap to come!

So me and my parents are out for a trip back home, in the middle of winter, now I haven't been home in the winter time for 5 years and i had no complaints about that, but here i was in the middle of the freezing north, I was cranky :D. But we arrived safely on the 27th of December, my older sister called and asked if she could come over which made me a little nervous cause we had left things really ugly the last time i was out! But she put her arms around me, and it felt so good i missed her so bad!!

The next day i was to go see the body of my grandmother passed on, that was an experience i never expected to have the emotions i did, i took pictures of my mom saying her goodbyes to her mother and that was tough to see my mom struggling with the loss of her mother. I kissed my grandmother goodbye on the forhead for the first time in my life, and i was as cold as ice, it sent chills down my spine.


Okay i need to stop here because something is happening to me, and my anxiety is starting to rise and i'm feeling chest pain, this is happening because this was something i couldn't feel like i could deal with up until now. I have had to fight with travel insurance in order to be reimbursed for the intruption of my flight!! Today i received my check, and something in me snapped and let go, and i feel this is all about my grandmother right now!

My grandmother was never someone who i got a long with, i never felt she loved me and i never thought i was important to her, and i can't imagine what i could of done for that!! I know myself and i know that i always wanted to feel important to everyone, i needed to feel important, i didn't feel like myself or good enough if i didn't make somewhat of an impression on anyone. I always wanted friends, and i did have friends throughout the years, the came and they went, and i wanted to have someone to confide in but it was hard to talk to teenagers about some of the deep shit i was going through.

I just always felt that things weren't good enough i had this little tape in my head going round and round saying you needed to be better so that you will be made proud of!