TODAY

Today seems to be the day where everything is on my mind, i have so much on my mind these days it seems that I'm doing everything to avoid them, so i need to sort them out before i lose any headway that I've made!!

On my mind, is my upcoming doctors appointment with my tests results and options on what to do with my abnormal cells on my cervix, this is a meeting where i may have to choose between my health, or having a normal pregnancy, if i can and do have kids. Nothing is guaranteed but still, my heart wrestles over that fact cause all i want to do is have babies, that is the final thing in my life to make it complete, I can have everything else in the world and i can even adopt a baby or whatever but not being able to do it in my own body its a heart wrenching decision, of course i do what's best for my health in no way do i want to have cancer, and this is a problem that can cause cancer, so i do what i need to be healthy both for me and my hubby and for any future kids that we may have.

I get a lot of, when its your time it will happen, or you guys aren't ready to have kids because of our situation, or it will happen! The thing that they don't understand is that we tried for 2 years and nothing, i had to go back on birth control because my endometriosis became so bad and so painful that i had to do something to help with the pain! My best friend, is due next month, and we were suppose to be pregnant together and have our kids grow up, she's so excited and I'm so jealous! I know its terrible but to see her pregnant all i think is i want to trade places with her just once just to experience it!

The only other experience i had with pregnancy was when i was living with my sister helping her take care of the house and the kids while she was at the end of her pregnancy she was gracious enough to answer all my stupid questions about being pregnant and how it feels to have a life inside her! Those for my personal memories are some of the best i have. She trusted me with those precious kids of hers, and now i don't even have that to hold onto because i believe that i am destined to be here in the US right now, and a part of me dies every time i have to say good bye to those kids!!!

I don't want to feel sorry for myself but i have to admit today that i feel sorry for myself, my heart feels like its ripped in half, i have fought most of my life, and i will fight for having kids, but i am hurting knowing that its another thing, I wanted this part of my life to be easy and beautiful!! But right now its not even close to being in the near future, and when its time its gonna be a fight.

Today i miss my sisters, what i wouldn't give to have them hear to go to the spa and go to dinner and a movie with lots of farts so that we would laugh until we cried. It gets so eerie here sometimes knowing that i am so far away from family, I know this is where my heart is suppose to be, but the choices i have made in my life are not easy ones.

I miss my dad, thinking of how we would rent Butterfly effect for the millionth time and still have a debate on what's really going on in the movie, i swear its a different debate every time. Or just having conversations in his pride and joy of his pick up truck talking about everything, from death, to politics, to silly things dad has done in his younger days. I miss watching him with his family together and seeing pride in his eyes, I miss Dad and everything we have in our relationship!!

I miss my mom, watching her get "tipsy" with communion wine, she would make a terrible catholic! I miss her cheating at every game we ever played, and i miss the way she asks to go for a "little" walk and it turns out to be two hours with a rest in the middle somewhere! I miss when i get sick for her to come over and feed me crap that makes me feel better! And the way she would support me with all my doctors appointments and painful treatments i was going through, wishing she was here now!!

I know that my choice to have my life in California, is my own, and i know it is the right one for me, and that i will never regret, but to realize the pain that i realize every day with my family so far away hurts like you would not believe!!!