??????

This is the time where i have seem to lost myself in everything that is gone on. I am feeling very depressed today and i'm feeling hate for the world and most of the people in it! I don't like feeling these deep dark emotions, they scare the hell out of me, and they make me want to do things that aren't healthy. Every moment all i'm trying to do is catch my breath but i can't. I feel like the weight of the world is sitting right on my shoulders, and i can't budge it. Yesterday my therapist, had told me that in actualality i am the only one i can rely on for myself, for taking care of myself, for taking care of the household things, and hell just life! I know people will do their best but i am really alone. And since i'm a completely basket case today i'm really in the shitter! I was talking to my step daughter today and she was telling me about this guy she was arguing, and she shared some things that he said to her and she wouldn't stop egging him on, and i was feeling darker and darker, and finally i had to give the computer to my hubby telling him that i couldn't take it anymore, i couldn't take that shit any more, it drove me to near maddness the words whore and slut came up and i was disgusted and so saddened i guess part of some memories of mine come up with being call a slut and a whore! And it hurts to this day, its not a good day when someone things you are a slut or a whore, or a hooker.

There was a time in my life where i actually believed that of myself and i actually have the word WHORE carved in my leg, that's how much i believed it! Its not a pretty thing to believe such ugly lies, its such a hurtful and ugly thing! It takes away all the goodness in life, it takes away all the things that are good and make it so ugly and evil, when the light of the world goes dark where will we all be? I don't know, i know that darkness lives inside of me, that darkness is thick and full of such ugly words, emotions, feelings, death, pain, sickness. If we only knew what we did to each other, that words aren't just words they are as sharp as a knife, and they can leave wounds so huge they have no idea, I don't think that the kid in my 7th grade class thought twice about the incident when he called me a hooker, his life went on, and my life continue to go down hill, you start thinking well maybe he's right i mean only whores and hookers get raped right? Maybe that is all i am that is all who i am! Nothing else nothing more just a slut that causes men to do things in private that no one else would know about! Just because she's a whore!!

I don't believe that now, but a lot of hurt still lies in words and actions of men who have hurt me!

Another Chapter

I'm trying to do my best to be the person who i need to be to survive these new things in my life, the newest thing is this rape support group that i enrolled myself into it may start next week but the lady wasn't for sure about that, but that group terrifys me, i know my dad would be thinking the movies that, she watches and it doesn't scare her but a group, he'd probably think i had things a little backwards, and i'm almost feeling that he would be so right! The movies i watch are bloody are gory and filled with so much violence! And a group where i am suppose to get support in a space that is suppose to be safe!

Strange it has just made my life seem like i'm a kid lost and can't find her parents. I don't know how to include my family in this new part of my life, i need support but i'm not sure how its suppose to work, i'm feeling so lost, and hate the feeling that i don't have the answers, i'm suppose to have all the answers aren't i?

I think of my opa a lot for the past month or so, i'm not sure why but i think about him, and it makes me smile!! Like my husband and i were talking about baby names, no we're not pregnant i'm just obessed so we thought about names and we happened to be watching WWE one night and one of the wrestlers names was Hunter and i said that i liked the name, and my husband did too!! And i said to myself, man wouldn't my Opa be proud naming my kid after a WWE wrestler! :D

I think about kids and babies often, almost obsessive about it! Everytime i see someone with a baby or look at all the baby stuff, my heart feels so sad!! By now i thought i would of had kids or at least a kid! But everything else has seemed to come up and taken that away from me. I know i'm only 27 i'm young it will happen when its suppose to happen, but what happened about when I wanted it to happen? What happened to having things when I wanted them not when everything outside my control wanted it! I'm so frustrated already, i feel so old and know i'm still so young! I try to figure this out and i try to accept what is but its so hard because there are just things in my life that i wanted when i wanted it!! I guess i should stop feelings sorry for myself, but i have decided right now isn't the time i'm gonna feel sorry for myself!! *sigh* At least that's one thing i have in my control!!!

My Hubby still feels like shit, he still hurts and he's still cranky!! Its hard to talk to him about anything serious because he usually just tries to fix it rather than just listen to me, so i feel a little lost and alone i missing my best friend the husband i use to have, i'm waiting for him to come back to me!!! I'm waiting for him to be able to let me just fall and he'll take care of me, i am so tired the road has been long, i love him and i wouldn't change anything if it meant living a life without him, but its been long, and i am tired and i want some peace, i want us to both have peace in our life!! The last of the doctors appointments were over in September and we haven't gotten a notice to go back, but i had to tell my hubby that if there was another notice this year to go back to the bay area that i would not make the trip with him. I thought that i was the most terrible person for saying this, but the stress of doctors that we are suppose to trust look at my husband in the face and tell him once again that they have no idea why he's hurting they way he's hurting i've had my fill for the year, actually for the last 2 years, thank you very much!!!!


But i continue to try to keep a positive look on things, and those who know me, that's not all that easy!! I've always been such a pessimistic person that this has been a challenge for me to actually try and keep my usually overly positive husband, just to struggle through another day! Just to one more appointment, one more treatment, one more thing! That things will work out, even though i'm not quite believing what i'm saying i just can't stand to see him so down and so frustrated!!! It breaks my heart!!!!!

This isn't pretty in the least...**TRIGGER**

I HAVE POSTED PICTURES OF THE DAMAGE I DID TO MY LEGS SO PLEASE TAKE CARE IN LOOKING AT THEM IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH SI!!!

This is not a pretty entry. This is real and this is the ugly side of humanity and myself, and i am ashamed and i want to keep it safe away in between my hubby and myself, but i cannot because i don't want to live in silence with this, i need to be open and honest trust me this isn't pretty.......

It was a day like any other, my hubby and i were just hanging out at home. Then while i was in the bedroom my hubby calls me over bitching about the computer, i struggle with patience these days and i wanted to try and help him with his problem as fast as possible but every move i did he was on my ass saying that it wasn't working, and it wasn't doing what it should be doing, so i lost it and started arguing with him, we argued for a while and then he left in a huff cause i had said something probably very condesending, which for me was great because i can work better without him hasseling me! Then i found a program that he was talking about, and called him back in the room, and somehow we got back into an arugement, and here comes the horrible part, I fell into a rage, I grabbed my hubby's collar and just blasted him in the face i was piss i was seeing red, i can't even tell you what set me off, but i was a bull looking to break shit! So after he had enough, he left to go into the bedroom and i was ripe for a fight, so i followed him and was trying to get through to him that what he was talking about was crap and i was talking crap and then he started playing with his IPOD and i was pissed so again completely blind with rage, i tried to yank it out of his hand, he had, had enough of me, so as i was trying to follow him out but he closed and held the door shut! This caused me to flashback.... NOT GOOD!

As i was flashbacking i was screaming and crying i felt like a child i felt so scared and panicked! Ted needed to get away from me so bad, that while i'm on the floor feeling all this horrible stuff, he was getting ready to go away. I caused my husband to not want to be around me because i was out of control! I was feeling so low, i regressed into my teenage way of doing things, and i cut myself! I put in a horrible scary movie and i sat for two hours cutting myself, watching the blood run down my legs watching the razors slice through my flesh, the overpowering feeling of being stressless feeling euphoric, i took the easy way out, my rage and anger and my feelings of insecurity and powerlessness and not feeling loved, i cut myself to pretend all that shit didn't exisit! Instead of trying to sort through it like a normal person, i do stupid shit like this! I have disappointed myself and after others that a close to me read this, i probably have disappointed them too!

As I had time to think about I tried so hard to blame it all on my husband, i wanted it all to be his fault, he made me so angry! But it wasn't his fault it was my outburst of rage and anger! This reminds me of other family members that have the same issue, and i wonder if there isn't something that hasn't been identified within our family that causes the woman in the family to react so violently! Fights with my sisters as we were young we were so violent towards each other I used to beat my younger sister, and i use to bug the crap out of my other sister. And my mom use to do the same way, especially when we were trying to help her through a tough time!

What is going on with me, i feel so strange about that incident, i have apologized to my hubby for my actions, i told him what the repercussions of closing the door and holding it on me, even though he needed to before things got really ugly!! Who knows what could of happened, i almost didn't feel like myself!! It was ugly, i can't even remember most of the argument!

This has been hard to write but i need to show that even people who aren't normally violent or enraged, something can snap!! Thank God my hubby was quick enough to think that he needed to get some space! I don't want to be this way so i share so its not a secret!!

Attached are some photos of my cuts, they are graphic and if you don't want to look i would suggest that you don't continue on from here!!!