Stuck

Its amazing that when you want something and you find out you can't have it, gets to be very frustrating. I am feeling very stuck today, I mean I need a change, for the last 1.5 years since Ted hurt his back i've been the only one around that is there to take care of Ted, my father in law tries, but he's unable to react in time of crisis. So Ted and i have been talking about moving to Missiouri, to be around more family, be in a place that a hospital for Ted's military issues is onlt 30 minutes away instead of 5 hours.

Don't get me wrong Eureka, is a beautiful place, but it has become a lonely place too, i feel stuck, i'm not much of a social person, and i don't make friends easily and things are tough for Ted and myself, we live in a small house with two people that don't have all their marbles in place and the stress is pretty thick, between money, bills, medical appointments, emotional breakdowns, I think its just time for a change. And i do know that Ted missing being in Missouri where he can be his country boy redneck self! :D And I wouldn't mind getting to know the rest of that side of the family.

I just need a place where we can take sometime to be able to get our feet up and under us again. As of right now in 6 months we lose ALL of our income, except Ted's va comp but that isn't even close to pay all or any of our bills monthly. We are trying to save but its hard when we are required to be here and be there for appointments. I can't do anything for work until i know what the QME doctor writes a report deciding what i will have for a future!! So since we have decided that going back to Mad river isn't the best idea for me its time to move on, and unfortunately that means waiting for someone else to do their job!!!

Ted's been out looking for jobs too but that has been unsucessful too. We are doing fine, financially right now all our bills are paid every months, and we have groceries and gas and get to go to the movies every now and then, but we don't know what the future hold and that scares me. And it scares me more when there is someone else with their future in their hands! Hopefully in the next few months things will start to figure themselves out and we can make plans accourdingly. Today I am missing my family a lot, its been a lazy day, but its a lazy day i could of spent with my family.

But everything is alright today for the most part.

Just for warning, i am going to be posting some of my poems that i have written, some of them are pretty dark, and its something i want to share with you all, so just be prepared.

I am off for today! thanks again for reading

Stuff

Spent the night in my tent, where it seems to be a place of calm and peace Ted stayed with me until about 4 until he couldn't sleep outside anymore, and i stayed out until about 9. I miss being camping, and being able just to take a breather, and that's what staying in the tent does for me, all the great memories and good times we had in and around that tent, send me to a place that makes me feel good, and when things get really bad and the world just seems dark and ugly, i can go in the tent, leave all electronics in the house, i have my journal, my coloring book, crayons, a bed and a chair, and i just feel like its my own refuge which i was needing so badly.

Things are stressful, with trying to deal with Ted being on anti depressants, its a new medication and the side effects are showing up with Ted and he's not been the happiest person to be around, and its tough when you need a shoulder and its not there because, your loved one is going through their own stuff, and unable to be there for you.

But I am on a waiting list for a rape support group, Its a 10 week program 2 hours a week, and i'm really waiting to have some place to go where i am understood, and don't feel so lonely and actually be with people that experience the same things that i do on a daily basis. So while i wait for a spot i have a rape councelor call me every 2 weeks or so checking up on me, and continuing to support me, and continue to remind me that there are people to help me, anytime 24 hrs, and with my bad experience with some of the 24 hr help around here that's been something i've been so leary with, but honestly i think with the rape crisis line, i guess they have more understanding then just a regular crisis line.

Today I sent Susie and e-mail ending our friendship, i have asked her to stop contacting my family and myself, I have weird feelings about sending it as an email but i needed to say what i had to say and i know Susie wouldn't allow me to finish, so i did it the the only thing i knew how to do. I feel awful and guilty, i know its what i needed to do but it still feels pretty shitty.

Well laundry calls and i need to go finish it sometime today so thanks for reading, love you and i'll write more tomorrow!

That time of month

I don't want to complain but my period is getting worse, and that is all thanks to the endometriosis. The pain is like someone takes an electric knife and throws it in my pelvic area, the pain makes me nauseous. My energy is drained and i feel more emotionally vulernable, and i struggle more with things, like nightmares don't end when i wake up the feelings and emotions stay with me all day, and today those feelings are of worthlessness and that i'll never be able to fit into the world the way everyone else does, and of course that sounds crazy but that is how i feel, and i try to help my self see that those thoughts are irrational, but somedays the feelings stay with me for the entire day.

I went outside into my tent and colored, it helps me just go back to a better thought and a better time, that tent has so many good many memories, and its just a good aura in there i always seem to come out feeling better after i've been in the tent for a while, as weird as that sounds :D

today i had a memory about when Uncle Bill came over and yelled and scresmed at mom and dad over church things, i remember sitting under the desk in the room i shared with my sister and couldn't believe that a person i called uncle was betraying and abandoning our family that way. I was so scared the tone in uncle bill's voice sounded murderous, it scared me, i was praying that they would leave us alone, if they had nothing good to say then just leave. I have random memories and i hope to share them here as often as i can.

I miss my family so much, it feels so lonely here sometimes, just to goto the spa with my sisters, have my mom take care of me when i am unable, go to a movie with dad then discuss it at length. Take my Neice and nephews out for a weekend in a hotel and have a weekend of adventures.

But i am here for a reason, and i have found myself out here and continue to find myself and that's a good thing. I think that things will work out as they come, i know that the next chance i get i am going to visit my family, take Ted with me. And be a big family!

But as i write this, i hear my little sqeakers saying kiss kiss kiss kiss behind me and i can't help but laugh because he's been saying that for the last 45 minutes. I'm glad he's here he always can bring a smile to my face.

My hair is slowly growing back and its still weird i don't quite recogonize myself somedays, somedays i see a guy in the mirror trust me that can be distrubing LOL. Well i'm not sure what else to write, so i'll sign off for today.

Learning

Today has been a busy day, between therapy, my dad calling, and calling my step daughter, i spent about 3 hours talking and not just "stuff" but serious things about who i am, and how i am affected by things and some big changes in my life, so i am emotionally exhausted but i feel alright. I have to relearn to accept the fact that people are willing to listen to me and hear me i only need to speak up.

And its what i need right now, just to let my family know what's going on, i spent a lot of time in the tent today and tried to do some personal work, and that is still hard, but i noticed that the energy in my house is different that i took some of that stuff outside into my own space, it feels lighter in here. And that feels good, and Ted made dinner and it was good.

So today was a good day, and i surprisingly have very little to write!

So I'm done for today

A new start

As i look back on my blogs i've seen that most of them have been about Ted and his back, and i realized that yes i wanted people to know that life isn't grand here in my world with a husband with a busted back, but Its not the real reason that i wanted to start blogging. So now I will begin what i wanted to do in the first place, so here it goes

Right now i am diagnoised with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Severe depression, Severe anxiety and panic attacks, and now a new one Obssesive Compulsive Disorder. I am currently in therapy once a week and see a psychitrist once a month to evaluate my medications. And of course since this is a workers compensation case i see a GP once a month to get my work release renewed.

So this is what is happening right now, I have gone for a QME which just means that I go to another shrink and tell them how i've been for the last period of time since i last saw them, and wait for them to make a dicision on whether or not this is going to have me be a percentage of disability for the rest of my life, and my temporary disability ends in January so I have no choice but to accept this disability rating, so i can get workers comp out of my life, and rebuild my life. I will not be going back to Mad River Community hospital there is just too much there i cannot handle and its just a huge stressor to be in that building, so that is why i'm still off work, not so much that i can't work but i need to deal with workers comp and get my rating so that i can make the decisions and the actions i need to get back into the work force.

I have deactivated my Facebook account because i believe it was feeding me the message that if i put something on there that was reaching out, i was hoping to have support from some people and I was disappointed in the reactions that i got. I was devestated and i grew to think that no one gave a shit about me, and was just going to leave me to rot, because hey, that's Tiffany always feeling sorry for herself, always wanting attention, never happy. One thing is true, I do want attention, and i need it. My independant streak has gotten me to a place of lonliness and unhappiness, Yes i am an independant woman, who needs attention, and somedays just doesn't know how to accept or ask for it. I feel like i've starved myself from attention for years, I wanted to be the good kid, I wanted to be the least of trouble, and i wanted people around me to think yeah she can take care of herself, we don't need to spend as much time with her, as a teen nothing could of been further from the truth, i pulled myself away the more and more i needed attention, and the attention I got was either when i got caught with scars on my arm, or after insomnia had taken over my physical well being and i passed out in school, or trying to take my own life. It was the wrong attention usually at the wrong time, i wanted to be alone, with my own pain, but of course there was nothing i could do about it, i guess in someway i enjoyed that attention too. But it would only last too long before i felt it wasn't filling the need that i needed, and everyone went on with their lives thinking once again that i was doing alright.

And now i'm 27 years old living in a beautiful place in California and so far away from the people that i truly deeply love. I live with both guilt and happiness about my life, here i am doing something different in my life, living somewhere other than Manitoba, in an beautiful town. But the guilt i feel when i'm not there to be a part of the good times, and the bad times when a sister or daughter or grand daughter should be there. I don't think that will ever go away.

So right now I am trying something different and trying to communicate better, and right now my words come out better in writing (or typing) then talking. So now i am trying to express what i am going through on an daily basis so that maybe I can reconnect and reform a support group, that will do me some good!!!